First - Give yourself a break and look at yourself as a kindergartener that is learning how to put words together to make a sentence.
Do you know why so many older posters or the Vets can give you advice of how to do X? or why not to do Y? Because we all make mistakes at least in the first stage of the bomb.
It all blow at once, the ground was taken from under your feet and you are like floating trying to find real ground for yourself. Put kids on the mix and you have the your pain and the pain you see and feel coming from your kids.
And that is why you need a little more then this jerk is giving you. Sorry the word, but he needs to do a lot of growing up before you can take him back.
MB and Ancaire had great words of wisdom for you. Like:
Use your time wisely and start treating the pain that inside of you by learning. There are tons of resources here and a ton of resource out there.
Get yourself some self help books to understand how you can help yourself to get to a better place, so your brain will start working for you.
The way I see it, if you want him back and he is to respect you, you need to respect yourself first and you are starting to do it. Toughen up because the road will be bumpy. He will scream and bother you to death because he does not want or does not see he can change.
Here we say it is not a sprint, it is a marathon. Now you are starting to see that. With all this pain it came the opportunity to review your part in the R, good and bad. It is giving you the gift of looking at yourself and see that you can be better.
Each sitch is different, so each situation needs to be adapted to what will work. He is pursuing, driving you crazy, but he is not apologizing for his wrong behavior. If you want him to do that then you may need to show his with your actions that there is a hard work to do before any new R.
When you are in a better place, his many calls and messages won't bother you as much. And there is nothing in the world that can make you do what you don't.
Going dark is something different and may apply in some other circumstance. Maybe you can start framing his behavior and patterns by letting him know when you will talk to him. What is allowed to talk. Leave it clear that you will let him know if there is any emergency regarding to the kids, but you won't answer any of his questions about the kids every 5min.
He thinks you are available, that you have time to spare and be there for his craziness. He thinks that he gives you the money and is taking care after you so you need to be there to answer him whatever time he decides to.
Like Ancaire, I do believe that he loves you. But love can be very toxic if the person does not understand what is love in the first place. And IMO, he needs to learn what love is.
1. Can you schedule an IC for yourself? Even if it is once every other week? 2. Did you think about getting yourself some Anti-D just to break the edge and make you see and react better to whatever tornado that comes your way? 3. Did you review your routine and found things that you can improve there? 4. Can you go to the gym once, twice a week? Exercise is very important in times of stress. Very, very important because your brain will work better. 5. Do you have a confident friend that is patient to listen to you when the loneliness hit hard? 6. Do you have friends or family that can watch the kids and you can go out once in awhile to just see yourself in a different environment, see other people, relax a little bit. It does not need to be a date, it can be to just go out with a friend and chat a little, drink a cup of water. 7. Are you going for a walk, running, biking with your kiddos? 8. What self improve or self help book are you reading? You do not need to read it in a day, you go as you have time for it. 9. How old are your kids? There is any way you can work even a little bit to make some cash and start doing some other stuff you want to do for yourself? So you are not so dependent on the money he gives to you?
These are questions to make you think that you do not need to make anything so big and resolve everything at once. If you try to get all at once, you will fail.
It is a process to get yourself in a better place for yourself. And in parallel it is a process to let him see he is better off with you. How?
1. It he is pursuing you so much, try to set a talk with him, like lunch. Get someone to watch the kids, prepare yourself and then talk to him. Let him know that you would like to work on your R, but you realized your faults and want to work on them first. 2. That you are willing to work even with him, if he would go to MC together. 3. That you have deep wounds that needs to be addressed by yourself, and that you think that he does too. 4. Tell him that you are really sorry you made him feel you didn't care, or that you nagged him so much and that you are willing to look into your own faults and build a new R with him where you both can be more understanding with each other needs. 5. Tell him you will respect if he decide to move on his own path, that you care about him and if this is what makes him happy that you won't stand on his way.
Be calm, say it (or what fits better for your sitch) with conviction. He will see a person he needs to respect, a grown up adult, a person that is trying to make the right thing.
That he will bend and say yes...yes...yes! Maybe not, maybe he is not there yet. But then you can set your boundaries.
Or he works on something towards making your R better, or he will need to give you the space necessary for you to think, organize, rebuild your life. No excuses, it is what you want and he will need to respect it.
The schedule with the kids does not need to come from him. You can work a schedule and give it to him and say that if he misses a day, then he is up for his next date. That you need to have that kind of schedule because you have other things to do. You can say that you will be willing to work on a schedule that works for him, that it is the right thing to do so you both don't hurt the kids even further with your own issues.
Rain, it is not going to be easy, and now it is the time you need to put your big girl pants and do the hard work.
You have a child man and he does need to grow up. He won't for a number of things, stuff from childhood, fear, rejection, whatever it is he needs to work on it. His path is his to own and he will need to make that decision himself. But it is you that will take charge on your own path, set your boundaries, tell it straight and serious about him to respect you.
And in all of this - do not include any OW, girls, phone calls - nothing that will bring you back to the nagging, complaining, letting him know how bad he is, all the wrongs he is doing. Remember that it is not about him, it is about you and what you want.
Only you know what this can cause on him, how much this can maybe change him and his perspective. But he does not need to know that.
Let me know what you think. In what order you may do some things. These are just ideas of how to keep moving forward. And remember, it is not something you need to do in a day, or week. You will know when you are ready to do it. What is the priority in this list that best fits you.
For me, I got my Anti-Ds, my IC, and then started working on me first. I was too much a mess and need the help first.
And yet, I made many mistakes. The difference is that I am happier now, even with all the troubles I still have coming from my XH. I can't change him and he chose to be miserable. But I have been changing me, and I am very thankful for that.
Great post Pink, I needed it this morning. Tons of great insight and reminders
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
I am here just upset. I do not understand and i want to confront him. I really do but should I?
He told me he couldn't give me the money he was meant to a few days ago for food and he couldn't buy a couple of things I needed. Then today he told me to use his account to pay one of my bills. I got an error message so I checked his account to make sure he got paid because sometimes his boss is a day or 2 late.
This whole time I am struggling without what we need because he is "broke" and the past few days he has spent over $300 on those websites and cam girls.
He literally left us without enough food and wipes and baby wash all while lying to me. He even got an advance of his check 4 days ago. In his mind because he says he is not meeting them he is doing nothing wrong.
All I see is that he left our kids without for his obsession. Is there even any hope of this turning around because right now I find him disgusting.
I will start working because obviously until the official court ordered child support is in place I can not count on him. And some would say he is addicted just like a drug addict but I am livid.
And i absolutely want to tell him that I know and to leave me completely alone and that he can take the kids to the park when he drops off my child support today instead of staying in our house.
I know for some people it is very hard to separate the emotional from the practical, financial side of life.
It's obvious for us, by what you post here, that he is very immature and needs to do a lot of growing up. He is also addicted, as you well said, and as you know, he is the only person to take himself to the next level and find some help on that area.
It is indeed a harsh situation for you. You have three small kids what makes it hard to work. You need to leave your kids somewhere and it can be very expensive, so the money you make working will be to pay daycare.
IMO, you need to start looking on what is offered in your state in these cases. Here in Colorado, there are social services in place to help mothers in hardship like yours. It's a process, but it works.
I had a friend in similar situation years ago. The city gave her one apartment, food, utilities and some financial help for a limited time until she could straight up her situation and get the legal child support resolved.
I also know for sure that my church helps a lot of people in hardship, many times they even hand a check so that person can get back in her feet.
Is this the best scenario that you would like in your life? Absolutely not. But this is what is in your hands right now and you need to concentrate in making it right for kids and yourself.
There are any family that can help you financially for now? Does his family knows what is going on and would help with the kids?
Stop thinking about him for awhile. Let him do what he wants or need to do. You won't solve his issues and you won't change him right now. He is spiraling out of control.
It is all you for now. Is this fair? Of course not. Does it hurts? Tremendously. But, it is what it is for now. You may have read some of the stories here were many went through the same hardship you are going through right now. And the only way to solve it, is to look for help.
Stop being sorry for yourself for a few hours a day and put your time into being productive and finding solutions for what is now your problem alone.
Once the court determines what is child support, then you may know where you stand. And remember that even child support ruled by the court does not mean money in your pocket. It is also calculated in what he makes, so it may not be the amount you really need to survive.
I am really, really sorry for your situation right now. That is the exactly reason I made my own divorce. I did not want it, I did because business comes first, feelings can be resolved with time. Empty bellies don't function, and if we don't function then we can't even hope for love.
This man is being a Jerk right now. Maybe he was a nice guy, and maybe he will come to some sense and become that nice guy again, but right now he is thinking only about himself and is not seeing any consequence. He is oblivious to any responsibility.
Stop yourself, think that for some hours of the day you need to be practical. I went to a great deal of desperation at first, and as I told you before, I realized that things wouldn't change next day. I got a counselor and anti depressants. Did all what I need to do with tears in my face, but I did what was right for me and my kids.
It worked for me to vent here in the forum, this was my pity party place, where I also found good advice and comfort for my wounds. I would go about business and then crash writing all the sorrows I had in my heart. I made time to be just business and time to be myself.
Again I say, it is very hard and you didn't ask for it. But it is what it is.
Make a list of friends, see the ones you can count to help you. It is that time in life that you need to be humble and look for the help of others. Don't leave it for tomorrow, don't expect him to just come back tomorrow, don't dream that suddenly he will be all responsible. Think that it is on you to solve the issues you have now.
I wish I did not say all the above to you, I wish there was a way to go to sleep and wake up with everything resolved. But there is no magic on this. There is only hard work.
Please, let us know what you start finding out in your area. Every time you solve a little issue, that is a victory and that will make you feel more confident and will give you energy to keep fighting. Some doors open, some closes, but you would be amazed of how much more you can push yourself.
Do you think that my life is easy? Do you think that many that are in this board have a easy way once in this R mess? The answer is NO. We all have difficulties, it is the way we handle it that will tell how we will be next week, a month, a year from here on.
I will visit you later today and I would like to hear about the phone call you did to find out what help is available in your are, what church you can ask for help. My church has an entire department just for single moms.
Forget about that XF of yours for a few hours and start thinking about you and your kids. Believe me, the story of him won't stop here. And he will also see how strong and determined you are, it will also attract his attention.
I am praying for you and your kiddos, I have you in my heart and I wish the best for you.
Hi Pink.....I called and there is a 3 plus years waiting list to get help paying for child care, unless you are in a shelter. Also it seems according to the amount he has given me I qualify for some social services.
Both our families are in another state. We both have a few distant relatives here but hours away. And the 1 close family member I have is not going to watch them full-time for a set schedule. This is why I am trying to find some freelance work.
I called a few churches as well. They all had food pantries. A couple had child care but pretty pricey even for 1 child. Yikes!
I have to figure something out. I will figure something out. I did get my child support today.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Keep trying, maybe you can find some work from home. Here, we have a place we can fill out a form with contact information and if something shows up, then they can call you to let you know.
Also, if you get anything from the church pantry, or get any social service help, do not say anything to your XF. This is some help for you and the kids, and if he knows about it he may feel entitle to give you less money. Keep it quiet and save some money, if you can.
Rain, I am so sorry you need to go through such hard time. You are already hurting for all what XF did and now you also need to face these financial issues.
I will keep praying that soon you will find something that will help you and the kids.
