WAW - Detaching is the Hardest Thing

[isittoolate]

Hi Anc, I love yr contributions so upbeat and funny , thanks for reading.

Two days on and not much to report. I'm still in Greece and GALing every afternoon/evening with a run followed by dinner with my coworker. It's nice to have young (27) female company. I'm not flirting with her as it's difficult as English is her second language and also frankly it's inappropriate.

W is detaching more than me with no contact except when she needed to access our EBay account.

I ring the kids once every evening to catch up and say goodnight. W doesn't even answer the phone but let's the kids answer it.

Am I detached? Not fully but it's getting easier. NC is easy and I'm not making excuses to contact her or using the kids as a conduit. I could easily ring her mobile to speak to the kids through her but instead ring the landline.

Am I pacing the hotel room thinking about M and R and her and our history? No not really, things pass through my brain, and I try to move them out of my brain,, and concentrate on me and my wants and needs.

I have made an impression professionally at work with my Greek hosts and they want me to return in the Spring. I always get great feedback when I work abroad, and it builds my confidence, that I am an expert in my scientific field. 4 years ago W. wrote a list of 'complaints' about what she thought I needed to 'fix' and on the list was 'your not keeping up with me professionally or physically'

Since that time I have got physically very fit and although professionally I am in the same job, I am very close to the apex of the pyramid. I can not go professionally higher unless I change career and move into sales or another scientific field. W's career pyramid is higher than mine - she earns more- but she has also been in the same job for years and although she has expanded her role and is on several national scientific committees , we are both close to the top of our trees.

I have an opportunity at work to become involved with a new cutting-edge technology. It will be a sidearm to my main job, still it's exciting. I have my first meeting in mid Feb.

[isittoolate]

I guess the reason I highlighted my professional qualities above is that I keep analysing that list W gave me 4 years ago.

This time round she gave me no reason for the ILYBINILWY speech... NO REASON. - nothing for me to work on.

I can search within myself and blame or guilt myself and certainly I know that I didn't own the sex and romance dept other than buying her gifts and words of affirmation which I am good at.

The physical side was lacking - but it takes communication and two people to have sex. It takes commitment and desire and attraction.

It's funny but whenever I speak to other women about my gift buying for W or the fact I compliment those women on a stylish handbag or great boots or nice new hair style or they are looking good today - they always say that my W is lucky, your a gem , I wish my husband was like you etc etc.... If only they knew.

[isittoolate]

So my work in Greece is complete and I have a 6 hour wait for my flight. I negotiated a 50 Euro day rate so I can relax in the hotel for 4 hours and take a shower and dinner.

This morning I was anxious about the lack of contact from W - yes I haven't fully detached! - and anxious about what reception awaits me when I get home. Will W be cold, distant , uncommunicative etc.

She hasn't phoned me at all , and only sent a few texts all relating to the kids so essentially NC. This is longest I have gone without speaking directly to her - ever and it is hard!

Well today she texted me about a small drama at home - nothing that couldn't wait until I got home - just about a nose bleed in the night by s8 and trains cancelled this morning for S11. At least she texted me and broke the NC.

I arrive home at approx 2:30am tomorrow or 4:30 am Greek time so a long tiring day. W will be up at 6 so I won't see her until Friday evening. I will see kids in the morning and then will do some exercise and work.

Next week I travel again Mon- Thurs , I am trying to get away a few nights a week to give her time and space. Normally I would make more effort to return home, but now I'm making more effort to stay away. I miss the kids of course, but hopefully the sacrifice is in the interests of a successful DB.

[Vanilla]

Hugs

V

[isittoolate]

Well it looks like the next R talk has arrived.

Just got back from my GAL activity - shout bike ride and W says ' we need to talk'

I made my excuses and said I needed a shower.

Zeus and others say I should validate whatever she says. Well validating is agreeing which would mean agreeing to a separation because that is what she will ask for.

I think she is going to give me an ultimatum, separation as soon as possible , or she will file for divorce asap.

I guess I will ask for time to think it over.

Wish me luck

[isittoolate]

W has seen a solicitor and I can expect a letter in the next few days - she has started divorce proceedings.

The conversation was brief - I kept it short as there was no way I was going to get good news and I didn't want to start pleading, begging, reasoning etc.

She said in our last R talk I had made it clear that I wouldn't D her, or separate and she said we couldn't continue just living in separate bedrooms.

She is Divorcing me under Unreasonable behaviour - which is a catch all in the UK.

She wanted to tell me in person and not just receive the letter. She said I would be angry, hurt and upset - I was actually relatively calm, and didn't raise my voice.

She said she wants an amicable divorce and we should both tell the boys in a few days when things are calmer.

She has told her sister only - and has told her mum we have been separated since Sept - in house.

I am not totally spinning , just a bit surprised she has done this so soon, and without saying separate or she will go for D.

Since the funeral 9 days ago, we haven't spent an evening together, either she goes out, goes to bed early or I have been in Greece.. I knew things were bad , the worst they have ever been.

I did ask her how she could love me this time last year and a few months later doesn't love me. She stated she had tried after our bust up in Dec 14, but doesn't love me.
For sure my snooping put the last nail in the M coffin. After that she took wedding rings off and put away wedding photos and stated I was the enemy within.

I know I must detach and concentrate on my boys. GAL is relatively easy. I will be in London on Monday working and meeting an old friend, then I am working in Wales for 3 days and will visit another old work colleague.

Any advice is welcome.

[isittoolate]

Two reflections:

I need to see a solicitor.

I could propose that I leave the house - separate . It might buy some time. In the UK either H or W can file for D after a 2 year physical separation.

It seems my not separating forced her into a corner and left her 3 choices - reconcile, live in limbo or file for D - she chose D.

[roist]

Best of luck.

Don't blame or second guess yourself.

I'll let the vets advise better.

[Zues126]

I am sorry this is so difficult. It's horrible.

Right now you are having a hard time accepting this is out of your control. Look at the following:

It seems my not separating forced her into...
I could propose that I leave the house - separate . It might buy some time
For sure my snooping put the last nail in the M coffin. After that she took wedding rings off and put away wedding photos and stated I was the enemy within.
This time round she gave me no reason for the ILYBINILWY speech... NO REASON. - nothing for me to work on.

These were all just things that caught my eye off the last few posts. It shows a pattern. You seem to think that her behavior is a reflection of what you do, and that if you can just figure out the right thing to do somehow you can get her back.

You've been trying to do that for 5 years. How's that working out?

Have you read the last few pages of my thread? Among other things I have really been exploring the process of admitting our mortality, our lack of control over the world around us, the humility that comes with. My life has never been better the more I can accept the world we actually live in.

OK, great, so you're clinging to the illusion of control, are in the denial/bargaining stage (not acknowledging that you two are getting divorced whether you like it or not), and keep trying to find ways to steer her journey. How do you change that?

Well, you're not stupid. You're not doing this for no reason. You tell me. What are you getting out of this dance? What is it about reality that is so scary or hard that you'd rather contort your life around an illusion and live in perpetual fear of it being revealed rather than face?

Keep posting. I don't really care too much about the blow by blow of what WAW is up to. I am really more interested in how you're processing it, what you're doing with all of that, and why.

OH- PS- Validating is NOT agreeing. It is acknowledging. If WAW says "I can't live like this anymore, I'll never feel for you again, I want a divorce so I can start the rest of my life", validating is something like "I understand. You feel you've been enduring an emotionless partnership for years and are tired of being trapped by it, and you feel you need legal separation to put this chapter of your life behind you and free you to make what you hope to be a better life. While we don't look at marriage the same way I have no desire to be partnered with someone that doesn't share my commitment so you will find me cooperative with getting this divorce completed quickly and amicably." I have a tiny, tiny truth dart in there, but the main point has to be validating, NOT arguing or debating or telling her why she's wrong to feel how she feels. Just acknowledge how she feels and move on.

[isittoolate]

Hi Zeus

Thanks for reading my thread and yes I have read all your posts over the last few weeks/months on all threads.

I pick out posts by you, Sandi2, Azzork, Zeph, CaliGuy and a few others.

I understand what you mean in the highlights above. It was more of : Can my behaviour, change her decision, get her to pause.

BUT stupidly my behaviour has made things worse. My snooping and paranoia over whether she is having an EA/PA led to 3 big bustups when she was at her most vulnerable - grieving for her Father.

It doesnt really matter, what matters is going forward not looking back. The marriage is dead and I dont want the old one back. She doesnt love me, I have no control over that, I cant influence who she loves. There is no OM.

Do I separate? It will give me and W space and I can GAL, detach better. She will experience some loss, financial, less time with the boys, her life will be harder without me babysitting, doing housework etc.

I can get over my fear of her dating as soon as I am out of the house, Out of sight, out of mind etc. I can get over the fear and humiliation of friends and work colleagues finding out. We both work in a specialist Medical field and have mutual friends/acquanitances across the country.

I am not perfect but overall I am happy as to who I am as a man. I will take the next few weeks/months to analyse and reflect were I have gone wrong - how I can improve - become a better man.