In every battle there are tactics and strategies. Strategies are big picture, tactics are the small actions that accomplish the larger goal. They gave you some very good tactical tools.
As 25 says, however, this looks like a game you're not going to win today or tomorrow. He will continue to spew no matter what. So 25, to be clear, when you said
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(That's my only "objection" to what Zeus wrote; i.e., I don't think your h will hear you out long enough.)
I was referring to what she should be saying to herself. Having her own mission statement, a plan on how she was going to manage through his negative reactions like this:
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when he spews via text you can say to yourself "ok, that hurts, I can't win this game. OK, that's fine. I knew I can't, I need to take a deep breath, let go of my expectations, and have a moment of silence for my unmet needs. Now then, does this cross a specific boundary I set? If so, I will need to communicate that and terminate this exchange. I will continue to do what I believe a good wife should, and our next exchange we can start fresh. If he didn't violate a clear boundary then I will put the emotional pain on a shelf for a minute, respond in a way that *I* feel good about, and pat myself on the back since he isn't about to. Then I will take a moment after it all to sit with my hurt, validate my own feelings, and make some mental notes for my next IC to understand where I can grow."
This, or something she comes up with, can give her a game plan so that she feels prepared. Just as you said preparing helps anxiety and allows you to be in the moment, so too does larger picture game planning. If this is the game plan she doesn't have to react, she can instead process things, transcend her emotions while still validating them, and then behaving in a way that is consistent with her beliefs. This consistent behavior is the real win. Not H's reaction. Doing her part despite what H does is being her own person and breaking the cycle.
Then again, that's just how I've tried to handle it.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
