WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE Part II

[Zues126]

Trumpet, I am sorry for the loss of your marriage.

What I hope for you is that you can detach. Most of your last post is still about whether or not you could still R someday, what that would look like, how that could happen, how you can stay open to that spiritually, etc.

For me, hope wasn't useful. It wasn't until I let go of hope that I was able to detach. When I allowed myself to accept that my marriage was over, that my WW wasn't going to hit rock bottom in the foreseeable future, that the loss was real and unavoidable...at that point I was able to start making progress towards acceptance. I was able to detach.

I say prepare for the worst. Believe in your heart and mind your marriage is over. Accept it. Let go of hope.

I am not saying to burn bridges. I am not saying to find another woman. I am not saying to counter file. I am saying to EMOTIONALLY let go. This is what NO EXPECTATIONS is about.

If something changes you will figure it out. Cross that bridge if you come to it. But the constant wondering what the chances are, if so how long will it take, if so how would that work, if so would you still be open, etc, etc...it is CRAZY making. It hurts to even read. I have been there. It took me about 3 months as well. Then finally $hit hit the fan, I saw the full magnitude of the situation, and I got off the roller coaster.

Detachment is needed both for your life and sanity, and for hers. As long as you're attached to her, as long as you have emotional reactions to whether she's moving towards you or towards OM...she will continue to pull away just because she wants to be free of you. Look at it like someone with a phobia of spiders, finding a spider on them. They aren't thinking, they are reacting, they are panicked, they want to get away from the spider. Right now she has Trumpet Phobia. She just needs to break the connection that you have and get away. If you don't let her, she will keep running. Now whether or not she decides later that she overreacted and decides to try to conquer her arachnophobia I don't know. But I'd operate with the assumption she will not.

I really believe that both of you have to go on separate journeys. There is a good chance those journeys won't meet again. But neither of you can start your journey until you let go.

Detachment means being able to know she shacked up with OM and shrugging. It means hearing her spew at you and shrugging. It impacts you no more than if you saw it happen to someone else on the news. Not a happy story, but whatever. You get there by accepting the reality that this is happening. You also need to focus on GAL, so that your emotional needs can be met elsewhere. The more you meet your own needs, the less you'll feel like your marriage is necessary for your happiness. Some people are afraid of losing their loving feelings for their spouse, but that is actually the goal. The most loving thing you can do is stop loving her. Marriage isn't about love or any feelings. If God has it in His plans for you two to R someday he'll find a way to allow feelings to renew. Instead take care of yourself, acknowledge the reality, get support for your grief, meet your own needs, and set firm boundaries to protect yourself financially and emotionally. This is the real journey, and I think you're ready for these next steps.