My love affair with Mr M, was passionate, exciting, adventureous and exposing and required me to completely make myself vulnerable and step out of my comfort. Mr M was and is everything I am not. A real live in the moment kinda a guy. A lover of freedom and excitement. He completely knocked me off my feet, because of the regularity at which he had me pushed outside my comfort zone. I was a really different person in his company, I felt like the best version of myself, courageous, brave, exciting, joyful, easy going. All the qualities I felt I had been searching for years within myself. He discovered ME. So I fell completely and addictedly in love with him.
If you ask my family and friends what they saw. They saw me achieve a huge number of things, I took up cycling, completed a number of road cycling events, I lost 40lbs while we were together in the first year, they saw me more confident in body, they saw me change my clothes, from frumpy invisibility to a flirty feminine style. They saw my self esteem change. What they also saw, was my constant obsessing, seconding guessing myself, my pandering to him and every whim he had, becoming submissive, dependent, sad, uncertain, giving up times with my friends and activities I enjoyed.
Did my family and friends like Mr M. Certainly they did, He was and is a guy to like. They just didn't like him for ME!
Mr M and I were in an off and on relationship for two and half years. Our cycle of passion and fun to I love you, but can't do this was initially very inticing to my little addictive-codependent personality. I laugh now, because I thought this was the most passionate love affair and relationship a girl could have. Was I wrong. This is a toxic love cycle.
Do I think Mr M and I loved/love each other. Absolutely! Was it a healthy kind of love for either of us, no way, we were killing each other, driving each other mad.
So many times people told each of us that this wasn't a good relationship, and we attempted to prevail. What I realised was that everything about us that made us super passionate and sexy, and exciting, were all the things that made the fireworks for our inability to make a stable relationship work.
I don't know if now after being apart for 5 years and with the evolution we have both made over the six years we have not been together, if we could make it work. I don't even think about it anymore. I think I have evolved past need to be with the person I was with him. I know I can bring out all of those qualities in myself should I choose to do so. I don't need or want my partner for those things. I want other things from a partner.
So guess Ladybr, the question is not really whether you would pursue a R with you H , at the disapproval of your family and friends. The questions is one of the worse case senario- are you willing to re-enter this relationship with H, with it being exactly as it was? Because that is what you are potentially considering at this point I believe.
Look I have worked with a lot of couples and families where both adults had significant mental health concerns. Initimate functioning relationships are impossible for couples in your sitch. However, and I do say however, the successful one's I have seen, have been based of two people who are committed to their own wellness and recovery first and the relationship second.
Ladybr, I feel in this instance with you and H. There just hasn't been sufficient time for either of you to even know what wellness and recovery is. It's like any addict, recovery is a personal journey, staying in a state of recovery and wellness takes focus and time. Learning what it means and what it takes to be well. In the timeframe you are talking, IMO insufficient time has passed.
If I was you, I would not be considering a R until I had seen for myself and from H consistency in behaviour, mood and lifestyle. I would also not be considering a R, until I felt I didn't need to ask this question anymore. If you know what I mean.
You ask about rebuilding or letting go. I vote is rebuilding. Rebuilding you. You may just find like I did, that once you rebuild you and your house, H and his furniture don't fit or match the decor. But you may also find the opposite if both you and H are willing to do the work required separately.
As always Ladybr, I love that you posted and sought advice.
