What did I learn in the last day? My wife has been talking to EA OM for 3 days. That she can spew with the best of them. That she has changed all her passwords on her email, FB, and phone. That I haven't been served...yet. That I can still get angry when someone hurts me - I have been very calm in the last month or so.
I have decided I will not be a doormat. However, after lots of prayer this afternoon, God's Grace wins again. I had actually thought that I might counter-file tomorrow. Does it make sense to do so? I don't think in my situation it will help. I am seeing another lawyer in the next few days to find out. Not being a doormat means I don't have to hang around my wife, trying to reconcile when there isn't anyone to reconcile with. I will be back to full-on GAL/DB'ing. I will need to see a wife fully repentant for her EA, and full commitment to a NC, including letter.
When that will happen, I don't know. I just know I'm not at the end of my rope...yet. After praying, I realize that being here, supporting the kids, is what I need to do. After I decided what to do, literally within 15 minutes I get a call from my D14. 'Dad, what REALLY happened last night? I heard a lot of what was said'. I asked her what do you think happened? She summarized things pretty well, and then let me know she called W.
D14 told W that 'Mom, what you're doing is wrong, and I don't like it. I don't like you talking to this other guy. I want you to stop'. Out of the mouths of babes... I asked D14 if mom said anything, and she said no, there was lots of silence, and mom had to go.
I don't know what's going on inside her brain, but she's really messed up. Would I leave my wife at the hospital with cancer? No. Would I not be there for her when she asked? No. Now, I'm getting the emotional c%^p kicked out of me, but I can see the spew for what it is.
I think this is where most people would have had enough. And I thought I was there. But I'm not. God's grace is sufficient.
Now, I'm not going to be pushed over. I will be conversing with my WW much less than I have - back to being pithy, and working on myself. I'm going to repeat to myself all night 'I will no longer snoop, I will no longer snoop...'.
My kids want a family. I want my family back. My wife does - just when her willfully disobiedent, selfish side isn't talking.
I'm exhausted, and it's not even 5PM here. Ugh. Mental anguish does that to you.
The Holy Spirit will do His work at the appointed time. If I stumbled in my porn addiction, and my wife found out a week after I tried to be clean, would she drop me like it's hot? I hope not. I hope I get a second, a third, a forth shot. If I deserve it, so does she. Now, if this was a PA, I might feel differently.
I will not leave this house. My kids need stability. I can give that to them. I will be the rock on which this family is built. I will use the strength in me to show love to all in this house, whether they deserve it or not.
I do think I'll get served in the next 2 days. All I can do is work on myself. When the clock starts, it will be another day.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
