Last night

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks 25, that's the thread I was thinking of.

Kyrie, think about this also, the difference between controlling, conflict behavior and healthy boundaries.

Controlling: H, I hate it when you ______.
Boundaries: H, when you _____, it makes me (feel) ______.

The next step is consequences when somebody doesn't respect your boundaries.

Controlling: H, you need to stop _______.
Consequence: H, if you continue to _______, I will ______.

An example:

Controlling: H, stop yelling at me!!!
Boundaries: H, when you yell at me, it makes me feel hurt and unimportant.
Consequence: If you continue to yell at me, I will leave the room until we can discuss more calmly.

Make sense? You wanted the Cliff notes, but the actual reading is much better. There is actually a version specific to marriages.

These^^ is a good examples of wording and actions.

Sometimes I had to hang up the phone when h would spew at me.

I always gave him a warning about how his spew was disrespectful or hurtful absolutely "counter productive".)

A few other ways to redirect your conversations will follow. Choose what feels authentic for you in a given moment.

I suggest you plan some of these ahead of time so that once you have done your "prep work", you can shelve that issue, which allows you to be in the moment you're in, rather than constantly obsessing about the myriad of "what if he says this/that??"
Shelving or tabling an issue gave me some happiness b/c it reduced the pollution of my situation in other areas of my life.

Anyhow, IF your h raises an issue from the past that has a grain of truth in it, you can say
"H, I'm sorry I hurt you. If I had it to do all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently"

and IF he brings up something that has no basis in fact (to the best of your knowledge---but hey, we have flawed memories too)

you can say
"H that's not how I recall it at all but I'm sorry it hurt you. IF I had it to do all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

I know they are similar, but both of these ^^replies show your willingness to change, neither escalates the talk, and neither is too supplicating. They're also brief, and brevity in arguments is superior to long winded explanations or defenses or arguments.

Most WAS's want to flee conflict, OR rage on. They tend to ignore our changes b/c they are justifying their choice to bail out. They will tune us out quickly.

(That's my only "objection" to what Zeus wrote; i.e., I don't think your h will hear you out long enough.)

Here are some lines I've seen around here, that may help you:

"H if we can't communicate calmly without insults, I'm going to hang up."

"Let's talk when we're both calmer & can be more productive."

"H, it's not productive to bring up the past", or "we need to stay on topic" "let's get back to your original point".

**IF he insults you again or says that you will never change, etc. Try calling him on it, with your reaction to his reaction...

"When you say things like that, I start to wonder if anything I do or say will make a difference to you."

You can also try to insert more pro active positive remarks...

"I can't change the past but I want to work on our present, and create a more positive future. I need your help."

"I feel defensive now. How can we restructure this conversation so neither of us feels that way?" "How do you think WE can resolve this?" (Note that I use the term "we" to avoid placing blame on him)

"H, I want to make sure I'm clear about what you just said. (AND THEN RECAP his wording so he's accountable for it.)

When he continues to say YOU must do "X" and "Y", ask him IF THEN he'll be content.
EX: "So, if I initiate more intimacy, THEN you'll be or feel ---content/appeased???"

I've asked you before about being the bread winner & him not earning anything, a few times. You have not commented on it. That gives me pause. I'm not trying to embarrass you (or him.)

Is it something YOU feel bad about? Does HE? iF SO, might some of his anger simply be self reproach which he's projecting onto you?

Not that it solves anything to know ^^this, b/c it's still unacceptable. Yet it might help you not take his insults quite so personally.