WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE

[sandi2]

You may not be able to get a place for you and the kids, IDK. I don't see it as weakness, myself. I see it as a man who is fed up with her affairs and is taking his kids and getting out of that house, if she intends to stay there. However, everyone does not see it this way, and believes the man should stay, regardless.

Do you want to hang around there while she openly conducts her affair......? Isn't that like rubbing it in your face? This is what I meant about talking to the lawyer about your options. I didn't mean filing for the divorce, but about you leaving the house, protecting your finances, etc. I don't know the legal ramifications, so check with him first.

[trumpet]

Sandi,

She would probably call the cops if I took the kids - amber alert type stuff. The kids wouldn't want to leave the house.

I could take a few days off and stay at my parent's house - they are in FL right now.

There was only one day that she said she'd comply to the NC - the day we hugged and kissed, and she said we were worth putting back together. It lasted a couple days.

Reconciliation in our case would take months, and my heart leapt out of my chest every time we made progress. At the same time, her heart was still with OM, and any little issue or stress at work put him front and center in her mind. She got her escape, her fix, by talking with him. I see now that we had breaks in the fog, but it's never left her.

D14 and S12 heard us last night. I explained what happened. They're not happy with mom. I told them to love her, love the sinner, but hate the sin.

No crying in front of them this week. No crying in front of wife. Anger last night. Told her I was disappointed in her.

Her words often beg a question, or force me into talking about divorce, that I want a divorce. Wouldn't it be easier to file D, trumpet? You know you want to! I'm an awful wife! You don't deserve me! I'm unhappy and deserve to be loved. You NEVER loved me. You mis-treated me for 15 years, and now it's my turn to feel love! Your spying means you'll never trust me! I have found someone that finally loves me! It might not work out with OM, but I know being married to you is wrong! You deserve to be as happy as I am with OM texting me every day!

Kids - I'd hate to leave them - I'm sure it would look like I'm abandoning them if I found a place. That would really hurt me.
Lawyer told me to stay put.

Going to pray and get some consoling from one of our pastors today, will go pray for a while.

[Mowgli]

Trumpet,

I'm going to tell you something and take it as you will:

Without knowing all the specifics of your addiction, I'm going to tell you that I believe that your W is using it as an excuse to do what she's doing.

This is something I've personally seen from my W and in other WWs on the board here. They find things to "cling" to in order to justify their actions.

For my W it was household responsibilities, for others, it's something else. Before I knew about the A I was so, so confused. Actually, anyone who knew the sitch was because people don't have those kinds of issues over chores.

I wore so much guilt. I felt like it was my doing. I've realized now that I literally had no place in my Ws decision to step out. Did I contribute to a M that wasn't sufficient? In ways, yes. But an A is a choice, an individual choice.

Your W is using this as a platform to try to hold you responsible. DO NOT LET HER IN YOUR KITCHEN!!!!!

There are millions upon millions of men that use porn on a daily or weekly basis. I don't know the extent of your use, but in MY mind and a good majority of others, including many, many women, porn use < cheating.

In a sex-starved M, porn can even be a way to take pressure off of a LD spouse.

If you want to believe that they are, in fact, on the same level, and we can consider the porn the OW, then congratulations! you've just gone 85+ days NC!!! that's something to be celebrated!! Good for you man!! Your W couldn't make it, what? a week with NC?

I know you want this to work out. I want this for you, too. But please don't let her walk you like this, man. The A is disrespecting enough and now she's going to carry on openly with it? You don't need to confront her, you need to go "dark." You need to carry on like this isn't salvageable and then readjust when she's done work to prove that it is.

Sandi called it: She has to hit "rock bottom." She may need the D to happen so she can see the other side of the fence. That is the reality and that is the reality you need to prepare yourself for.

Go dark, drop the rope, and go into protection mode. Time to get selfish for you and your kids.

[trumpet]

Mowgli,

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I have put a lot of slack in that rope in the past, I can do it again. It's like riding a horse! Gotta get back in the saddle.

I didn't talk to her this morning when I made the kid's lunches.

For someone who 'never helped the wife around the house' I do my own laundry, fix most of the suppers, make the kid's lunches, pay the bills, take care of the vehicles, do all the yardwork, vacuum, rug doctor the carpets every 3-6 months, do the kid's Catechism every week, do half the running the kids to and fro, clean the kitchen, do half the cleaning of the bathroom, load/unload the dishwasher at least half the time, fix the computers, do homework with the kids, do all the bills, keep a budget, and even dust once in a while! Coming from a family where my dad did hardly anything, I've been 'trained' in the last 15 years to do my fair share, and probably then some.

This s$%ks. It hurts again. A lot.

[Free]

On the money, Mowgli. Your comment about WW finding things to cling to rings true. In their selfishness, they will find ANY reason to blame you for their actions.
Stay strong Trumpet.

[trumpet]

Mowgli,

My life was a sex-starved marriage. The porn did contribute to my wife not wanting to have sex with me, but she's always had a low libido. She is a worrier/high fret, so things really had to be 'perfect' for her to be in the mood. Any mistake on my part and I would be told 'not tonight'. Any advances would be met more resistance - of course, the more I asked, the more she declined, to the point in the last 4/5 years that I wasn't allowed to kiss or hug her unless I asked. Her joke, and it was close to accurate, is that we had to have sex enough to have 3 kids, and she's a fertile mertyle.

Wife has huge issues with body image. Quite a few surgeries in her life, hip issues, knee issues. Lots of pain - before being diagnosed with Grave's disease, she got the dead-end diagnosis of fibromyalgia. Lots of pain every day, popping pain pills. Takes valium. Takes a sleeping pill. As of March/April last year, lost her thyroid, now on synthetics, and her levels are way off - still off from the surgery, and she doesn't see this as a big deal... when I've brought it up, she gets mad, which is to be expected.

Of course the porn, my weight gain, and being a typical 'pig-man sloth beast' around her didn't put me up the desirability scale. I've changed that - personal hygiene is great, absolutely no farting/burping, being very careful in the bathroom, cologne for the last 3 months, button down shirts when I'm home, absolutely no swearing, new haircut.

I think I'm turning into a man that only a fool would leave. She doesn't know my doubts about reconciliation, that what I feel for her has changed in the last 3 months. Could it be back to what it was when I married her? Sure. She'll have to want to make the effort.

Just like Sandi and others have said, I looked for every ray of sunshine, and thought the entire day was unicorns and rainbows. Glimmers of what could have been.

I have to drop the rope on the marriage now. That makes me sad, and like a failure.

I called a second lawyer today.

Found out this week that quite a few people know what's going on at church. The word spread. I feel bad, but don't have shame in the situation. I'm open about the addiction, if they ask. People who I trust just don't understand the way of a wayward.

I understand the way of a wayward all too well. Crazier than a bag of wet cats. Like a freight train going full speed with no conductor. Right is left and up is down. Gravity doesn't exist.

It's like living at the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory.

[trumpet]

83 Days clean and sober.

My original goal was to go 90 days. I don't know why I couldn't go double or triple that. Secure in my struggle, working on it daily.

Signed up for Planet Fitness last night. Have another place to go to burn off steam, so I don't have to stay in the house anymore.

Thinking of maybe picking up a beginner guitar. I have a student one, but probably need a full-size to learn on.

[JGuy]

Hey trumpet, I'm still following your sitch. I feel for you... the ups and downs must be so difficult. I agree with Mowgli that your W is using your past addiction as a way to shift blame and not take responsibility for the real reason why he is making her choices. She is invested in believing the story that "you don't love her" because she wants to believe that's the reason for her choices. If she was to admit the real reasons for her choices to herself, it would be very hard for her to face, and so although it may be unconscious, she is choosing to lie to herself because she is too afraid to face the truth about herself.

I believe that all of us sooner or later encounter issues like this in our lives, where we unconsciously create situations that present the opportunity to choose the painful path of truth, or continue to hide from ourselves and spin stories to defend ourselves from the shame of facing it and doing the real work of transforming ourselves into better people. I don't think it's only wayward spouses who go through this. IMO, all of us do, and waywardness is just one of the more severe ways in which this can play out in a person's life.

Is it possible for you to step back and focus on this bigger picture while having compassion for your W? Only she can choose the painful path of truth, and only when she's ready to (this is the rock bottom). There is a part of her that knows this deep down, and although it's up to her whether she listens to that part of her or not, you can radiate compassion for her, for how hard it must be for her to face herself and find her way out of the fog. Probably much harder than it was for you to face yourself about your own addiction. If/when she finds her way out of the fog, you can make it such that you are an ally with the part of herself that would lead her out. To make it out of that fog, she would need to have tremendous compassion for herself that she could be in such denial. Can you cultivate a space in yourself that can hold that compassion for her? Can you communicate that compassion to her without words, through your gentle actions, through your eyes, body language? Through withdrawing out of respect that she's not ready, and that she is free to choose when she is ready?

For me, it has been very hard to detach while also keeping my heart open, but it is through striving for this type of compassion that has helped me to do so. I have a strong urge to communicate it in words, and I'm finding it hard to do it solely through actions. What makes it even harder is that I can't ignore my own needs. I need to tend to my anger about being betrayed on this scale, and I need to develop boundaries. So, the challenge is to hold a space to honor myself while also holding a space to have compassion for my W. Not easy, but focusing on this noble intention has brought more stability to my journey recently.

Wishing you the best!

[trumpet]

Thanks JGuy.

Yes, when I detach, I'm a bit cold. The more I did it, the better I was able to open up a bit.
When there's hope, I re-engaged into the relationship, and realized I wasn't an innocent betrayed spouse - I had done more than the average bear in my marriage. So, the first month after BD was really tough - my addiction is under control, and my physical need for sex is on the shelf now. It just has to be.

I'm more of a talker than the average male. I have a pretty good handle on my emotions, what they are, what am I feeling? Counseling will do that to you as well.

If my WW does have the desire to R, it will have to be something she will work on herself for a while. I didn't think I had an addiction. It might take her being divorced, losing me, and splitting the kids to realize she had her own side of the road to clean up. Everyone has something to tend to - when we think we're perfect, and don't need fixing, that is the beginning of the end for us. Life will always shatter that image.

[Free]

Trumpet, do not beat yourself up right now. Breathe brother, breathe.
You contributed to the problems in your marriage, BUT YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT IF YOU GET DIVORCED. That is completely on her. Her choice, not yours.
As far as religion goes, my W was heavily involved in the church and was a regular lector at mass for years. Fast forward to a few months ago. We are at mass with the kids. The sermon is about how God hates divorce.
After the mass, I said "interesting sermon today".
She responded with "I didn't like the message. It's wrong".
WW's will pick and choose what works for them only. In their eyes, even God doesn't know what he's talking about if it doesn't suit their needs.
Don't panic now. Your goals are still the same as when you came here.
Just be your best. It's all you can do.
Go easy.