WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE

[JGuy]

Hey trumpet, I'm still following your sitch. I feel for you... the ups and downs must be so difficult. I agree with Mowgli that your W is using your past addiction as a way to shift blame and not take responsibility for the real reason why he is making her choices. She is invested in believing the story that "you don't love her" because she wants to believe that's the reason for her choices. If she was to admit the real reasons for her choices to herself, it would be very hard for her to face, and so although it may be unconscious, she is choosing to lie to herself because she is too afraid to face the truth about herself.

I believe that all of us sooner or later encounter issues like this in our lives, where we unconsciously create situations that present the opportunity to choose the painful path of truth, or continue to hide from ourselves and spin stories to defend ourselves from the shame of facing it and doing the real work of transforming ourselves into better people. I don't think it's only wayward spouses who go through this. IMO, all of us do, and waywardness is just one of the more severe ways in which this can play out in a person's life.

Is it possible for you to step back and focus on this bigger picture while having compassion for your W? Only she can choose the painful path of truth, and only when she's ready to (this is the rock bottom). There is a part of her that knows this deep down, and although it's up to her whether she listens to that part of her or not, you can radiate compassion for her, for how hard it must be for her to face herself and find her way out of the fog. Probably much harder than it was for you to face yourself about your own addiction. If/when she finds her way out of the fog, you can make it such that you are an ally with the part of herself that would lead her out. To make it out of that fog, she would need to have tremendous compassion for herself that she could be in such denial. Can you cultivate a space in yourself that can hold that compassion for her? Can you communicate that compassion to her without words, through your gentle actions, through your eyes, body language? Through withdrawing out of respect that she's not ready, and that she is free to choose when she is ready?

For me, it has been very hard to detach while also keeping my heart open, but it is through striving for this type of compassion that has helped me to do so. I have a strong urge to communicate it in words, and I'm finding it hard to do it solely through actions. What makes it even harder is that I can't ignore my own needs. I need to tend to my anger about being betrayed on this scale, and I need to develop boundaries. So, the challenge is to hold a space to honor myself while also holding a space to have compassion for my W. Not easy, but focusing on this noble intention has brought more stability to my journey recently.

Wishing you the best!