WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE

[trumpet]

Mowgli,

My life was a sex-starved marriage. The porn did contribute to my wife not wanting to have sex with me, but she's always had a low libido. She is a worrier/high fret, so things really had to be 'perfect' for her to be in the mood. Any mistake on my part and I would be told 'not tonight'. Any advances would be met more resistance - of course, the more I asked, the more she declined, to the point in the last 4/5 years that I wasn't allowed to kiss or hug her unless I asked. Her joke, and it was close to accurate, is that we had to have sex enough to have 3 kids, and she's a fertile mertyle.

Wife has huge issues with body image. Quite a few surgeries in her life, hip issues, knee issues. Lots of pain - before being diagnosed with Grave's disease, she got the dead-end diagnosis of fibromyalgia. Lots of pain every day, popping pain pills. Takes valium. Takes a sleeping pill. As of March/April last year, lost her thyroid, now on synthetics, and her levels are way off - still off from the surgery, and she doesn't see this as a big deal... when I've brought it up, she gets mad, which is to be expected.

Of course the porn, my weight gain, and being a typical 'pig-man sloth beast' around her didn't put me up the desirability scale. I've changed that - personal hygiene is great, absolutely no farting/burping, being very careful in the bathroom, cologne for the last 3 months, button down shirts when I'm home, absolutely no swearing, new haircut.

I think I'm turning into a man that only a fool would leave. She doesn't know my doubts about reconciliation, that what I feel for her has changed in the last 3 months. Could it be back to what it was when I married her? Sure. She'll have to want to make the effort.

Just like Sandi and others have said, I looked for every ray of sunshine, and thought the entire day was unicorns and rainbows. Glimmers of what could have been.

I have to drop the rope on the marriage now. That makes me sad, and like a failure.

I called a second lawyer today.

Found out this week that quite a few people know what's going on at church. The word spread. I feel bad, but don't have shame in the situation. I'm open about the addiction, if they ask. People who I trust just don't understand the way of a wayward.

I understand the way of a wayward all too well. Crazier than a bag of wet cats. Like a freight train going full speed with no conductor. Right is left and up is down. Gravity doesn't exist.

It's like living at the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory.