I think you should keep DB'ing but I wouldn't drop hints at how good things can be. Don't say a word, just show her by your actions. It takes time for the WS to come out of the "fog" and it really [censored] to watch them mope around and go through withdrawals.
On the other hand, if you think things are picking up between them again, if it were me, I'd take a strong stand and not be available to her in any way. I have been thinking about this a lot because I have a fear that this is going to happen in my sitch, and I know I personally cannot go through this again and I would not be as patient and selfless next time around.
You probably saw on the night of the 20th I found her contacting OM - I did get 'granted' access to her stuff a couple weeks ago, according to a psudo-NC action plan. Verbal, not written out. Wife stopped contacting OM, but she told me on Sunday that it was REALLY HARD. I validated. So, I did find her new password to Facebook, and logged in, to see OM talking with her, and thanking her for the love note. I went upstairs and confronted her right away - why let her cake eat and lead me along, going to counseling on Friday, with it being a huge sham? My doing things for her, her getting me coffee yesterday, were all a way to put a false scent on the trail to keep her tracks hidden. It hurt, and I did tell her it was unacceptable. I got angry, but didn't scream and yell - kids were in bed.
I honestly don't know what to do. This is the second major slip up after her wanting to 'work on us' without being totally committed. I'm thru with the half-a$%ed attempts at R. I was able to detach enough previously that I found happiness in myself.
I know I'll get very sad for the kids again. It's very natural, and they're the ones I'm going to hurt with divorcing my wife. If she doesn't follow through with serving me, I think that might be what I have to do.
I plan on all my future checks moving to my own account. I had a bit going there every month for counseling, but we won't have enough in checking and savings to pay bills this month, and will probably have to stop paying bills next month. I do the bills, and this will really affect me, since I was doing Dave Ramsey's snowball, and really believed I was getting us out of debt to reduce the stress in our marriage - I wanted to take trips with the kids, maybe a trip just with the wife and I - there were many possibilities, like setting up money for college for the kids. I'll have to mourn that goal, that dream, now. She was never on board with it anyway. To her, you can't take it with you, so spend it!
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
I feel for you, man. Keep posting. Maybe we can figure a way out of our messes that keeps our marriages together. If you have any ideas, share them.
Fo.2 is right - you can't go back to the kindness well in our cases - I'm prepared to call her work, explain she's contacting OM using their software. She might lose her job - but she has to feel consequences for actions now. She really hasn't.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Sci, I am sorry for where you are right now. It's time to set firm boundaries for yourself and for your W. Don't be a doormat and don't be an option. You are better than that.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
First of all, do NOT tell her about the receipt you found. She will twist it around so much she'll have you believing you're nuts for mistrusting her. You are already doubting yourself. You need to mistrust her. Yes, that's what I said! You cannot trust a wayward who flatly refuses transparency. The burden of proof is on the cheating spouse and she is doing nothing to even try to earn your trust again. That, alone, speaks volumes.
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Another thing I'm debating is how I think she'll respond. If I demand transparency will it drive a wedge between us and create tension that will only validate her lack of feelings toward me? Would it be better to just keep DBing?
What do you mean by "just keep DBing"?
Let me say this about "demanding transparency". You don't have to demand it, that's up to you. However, if you have her told that it will take transparency for you to trust her, or to heal, or for the M to work....or whatever, then you need to do something if she is not cooperating. For her to continue on without being transparent and you to just sit back and do nothing, would be very bad. Any future respect for you as a man or her H would pretty much be destroyed.
Did you ever state a boundary in relationship to her continuing an A? Did you make the transparency a stipulation to staying in the M? If so, then without consequences, it's ineffective.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think you should ask her to sleep in the guest room or the sofa if she is still seeing/talking to OM. I wish I had done this when I had the opportunity. I regret not taking a stronger stand, but then again things are slowly improving for me so maybe I did the right thing. It is hard to know.
I feel for you, man. Keep posting. Maybe we can figure a way out of our messes that keeps our marriages together. If you have any ideas, share them.
Don't apologize Trumpet. It doesn't bother me and I think some of the best revelations happen when your posting on someone else's thread
I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. If I had some great insights believe me I'd be sharing and shouting them from the rooftops. I see glimmers of hope through what I'm doing now, but it's hard to interpret if they are reality or simply what I want to see. My situation isn't as far down the road as yours because my wife never filed, but I know that she was probably close. How close I'll never know because I kinda screwed her plans up by finding out about the OM and confronting her before she could fully walk away.
Let's stick together and see what we can come up with. Not just for our marriages, but as Fathers and men. I know that despite this pain I will emerge from this stronger, a better person. And I know you will too. Scars build character, after all.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
SciDad, I think you should keep DB'ing but I wouldn't drop hints at how good things can be. Don't say a word, just show her by your actions. It takes time for the WS to come out of the "fog" and it really [censored] to watch them mope around and go through withdrawals.
My plan was not to drop hints or tell her how things could be, but rather let her figure that out for herself. My continued growth (done for myself, not her or our marriage), will show what can be. I have no doubts she will notice, but if it takes too long I might not be there anymore. And I'm fine with that.
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On the other hand, if you think things are picking up between them again, if it were me, I'd take a strong stand and not be available to her in any way. I have been thinking about this a lot because I have a fear that this is going to happen in my sitch, and I know I personally cannot go through this again and I would not be as patient and selfless next time around.
I'm still working it out, but I don't plan to be a doormat. I can be patient, but I'm not necessarily as selfless as you. If my wife said anything close to what your H said I'd be out in a second, taking my kids with me. Just sayin'....
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Too many people here are way too tolerant of infidelity. I was too and it was leading straight to divorce. That all changed when I stopped tolerating it. She's not a single woman. She's a married woman. You do get some say in this. If you don't show her that you have self-respect then she will never respect you. I'll bet OM would fight for her if she tries to pull away from him. That's why they win more often than they don't.
