Ugghhh, have I mentioned this is hard?

[SciDad]

Tough night last night lead to a rough morning.

I accidentally discovered a receipt that showed my wife wasn't exactly where she said she was last night. She claimed to be running late so she could stop off and get something on the way home. Only problem is that the receipt shows she was at a store right by where the OM now lives. And if she was coming from work she would have had to pass the house first....

So I was stupid (shocking, I know) and called her on the transparency plan (but didn't tell her about the receipt), and got the response I thought I would. Absolute deflection. She got angry and told me how hard it was to feel like she was always being watched. I told her I was sorry she felt that way, but her actions warranted concern on my part... I tried to frame looking at her phone not as a way to alleviate my concerns, but to help her if she was struggling to keep no contact with the OM. I think I failed miserably and she dug in her heels.

Although I tried to deflect the discussion, she initiated relationship talk and I struggled to remain calm at all the BS coming from her mouth. She's still trying to figure out her feelings and needs time. Blah, blah blah. I probably shouldn't have, but during this conversation told her that her attempts at working things out felt half a$$ed, mainly because she refused to address the issues with he OM.

I know she's holding out hope that I'll still support her for the rest of her life, that we'll be each other's #1 supporter forever. She says that's what she's going to do for me, but I know that can't ever work. #1 needs to be your current spouse/partner, not a memory of the past. So I let her know that while that would be nice, I couldn't see it actually happening. That a lot of how I treated her if we separated would depend on her actions now. On her honesty know. That if I found out that she was lying and seeing OM behind my back I would NEVER treat her like a friend again.

In the end, I think she felt like she won the conversation because I never checked her phone. In reality, she revealed far more about her motives then she intended and I realize that we're in the same place we've been in for months. I didn't need to see her phone to know what I'd find. WTF! I'm getting so tired of trying, so tired of the BS...

Great to know I've got a few more months to work on self-improvement, but I know our relationship won't improve as long as she's still stringing along the OM. I hate having the same conversation over and over with her. And it's tough to work on myself, when I have the weight of an executioner's axe hovering over my head. I feel that at any moment she'll decide she's done and I'll get served. No notice, no warning. I'll try to reinstall my virtual blinders and stop looking over my shoulder to see what she's doing, but its so damn hard.

Funny thing - the possibility of D doesn't send me into despair. It feels more like mourning to me. Not sure what that means, but it's what I'm feeling today. The same sense of loss I feel whenever friends or family leave this world. Maybe I'll get to see my marriage again some day. But I can't live my life remembering the past, chasing ghosts. I need to accept the fact that my marriage is dead.

And yes this is absolutely needy and fishing for attention, but can I sneak some hugs from y'all? I think I'm gonna need a few if I'm going to be able to keep it together until this party bus arrives

[- MB -]

(((((((SciDad))))))) There's a hug for you!!! I can feel your pain and frustration just reading that. I know how it [censored] to try to trust them and KNOW they are lying to your face and think you won't figure it out. So very hard. I just wish our spouses would realize what they are throwing away and WAKE UP. Hang in there SciDad. We are all here for you when you need us.

[JksD]

You don't need to fish.

((((SciDad)))

Here's another one.

((((SciDad)))

Plus a few more.


(((SciDad)))

(((SciDad)))

(((SciDad)))

(((SciDad)))

Just because you made me chuckle with your barry white voice over. I am sentimental like that.

[SciDad]

Thanks MB!

Two things I hate more than anything else are hypocrisy and deceit. Looks like I'm getting a BOGO deal right now

I can pretend I don't know what I know, but at the end of the day I'm a terrible actor and a pretty bad poker player so I think I'm screwed. And life goes on.

[SciDad]

Hey Grrrrlllll.... Friend!

Thanks for stopping by! I'm feeling down, but not out. At least being at work gives me time to gather myself together for another round of whatever is going on at home.

[Ancaire]

SciDad - Let me get this straight.

You agreed to a transparency situation, and she refused to comply? She got angry, deflected, and made it all about you?

Uh-oh. Your instincts may be right. Do not sit on this! Sci-Dad, you can't. You guys had an agreement she is refusing to honor. You have a right to know. If she won't comply, make her leave! Do not let your W disrespect you. That is not anything to build a successful M on.

What are you thinking? Where are you on this? I'm sure you've been pondering, so before I say anything else, I want to know where you're at.

[trumpet]

SciDad,

Been there.

The EA is heating up again, MOST LIKELY. Not positive - are you?

I snooped, and found my wife's EA heated up again after Christmas. My wife needs the excitement, the 'juice', and it took her as far as filing the D. As soon as she did, she found regret and disappointment, and stopped the papers to be served to me.

I feel like I'm in a special purgatory where my wife has graciously let me exist for another 47 days, with her fantasy that something will happen magically and her heart will turn away from OM, or magically will fall back in love with me. Don't worry, trumpet, just sit here while I make you sweat it out, not knowing what I'll do for 2 months!

She is just as likely to fall back to OM - she still has his phone, his email, is FB friends, etc. She's getting a couple of church people to whisper the right things in her ears, and I think her conscience is moving her back to the marriage.

More than ever, the focus for both of us is to gain strength and work on ourselves. Addicts don't stop until they burn themselves out, lose the ability to buy the drug (OM may turn away), or they hit bottom, and get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Choose to not ride that train.

What did you have for a transparency plan?

[ARose]

SciDad, I don't have any advice, I just want to send you hugs and I am so sorry. You need off this rollercoaster. My thinking is that if she is going to keep lying and sneaking around she needs to see what life would be like without you. I am not saying to leave her, but I don't think you should be scraping the ice off her windshield or cuddling up to her at night. And I think its time to get an amplifier for your guitar.

[SciDad]

What are you thinking? Where are you on this? I'm sure you've been pondering, so before I say anything else, I want to know where you're at.

Right now I'm torn. Part of me is actually doubting if she really went to see the OM or just drove by to reminisce. It's more than wishful thinking on part - a few clues I cant get into were accidentally revealed to me. It still remains to be seen if she's still texting him, but I'm not sure how important that is since she has the opportunity of seeing him EVERY day at work. Even without a phone she could keep in contact with him and I'd never know

Another thing I'm debating is how I think she'll respond. If I demand transparency will it drive a wedge between us and create tension that will only validate her lack of feelings toward me? Would it be better to just keep DBing? I won't pretend everything is perfectly OK and try to piece, but I think the right action might be somewhere in the middle. Clear that I want NC and that I'm not convinced that it's happening. Give her hints at how good things could be if she decided to work with me on our marriage, while still remaining uncommitted. It's a delicate dance....

What are you thinking?

[SciDad]

Hi Trumpet, I read the developments to your situation and will post after I've put a bit more thought into a response.

The EA is heating up again, MOST LIKELY. Not positive - are you?

No. They work together, so it would be very easy for things to heat up without leaving a trace for me to find. I'd only know after it got to a point where it was blatant.

I snooped, and found my wife's EA heated up again after Christmas. My wife needs the excitement, the 'juice', and it took her as far as filing the D. As soon as she did, she found regret and disappointment, and stopped the papers to be served to me.

I feel like I'm in a special purgatory where my wife has graciously let me exist for another 47 days, with her fantasy that something will happen magically and her heart will turn away from OM, or magically will fall back in love with me.

Yup, it's weird how they feel things should just happen naturally and everything will be clear. Life doesn't work that way, and being in a situation like that changes how you react and act toward her so how can that not change things?

She is just as likely to fall back to OM - she still has his phone, his email, is FB friends, etc. She's getting a couple of church people to whisper the right things in her ears, and I think her conscience is moving her back to the marriage.

I see the same dilemma in my wife. Teetering between the two of us while trying to decide which person she'll stay with.

M ore than ever, the focus for both of us is to gain strength and work on ourselves.

Yes. Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. All we can do is work on the things we have control over.

What did you have for a transparency plan?

She agreed (albeit grudgingly) that I could look at her phone at any point, so long as she was in the room. That last bit was something I added to make her feel better and get her to agree, but I realize now that she only agreed to the transparency plan to placate me and get her off her back. She wasn't and isn't fully committed to making our marriage work.

I'm struggling to reach a decision on my next move. I'm hoping things will become a bit more clear in the next few days, but I have no reason to believe it will happen