Hey Mutatio, I do not want to stay married to her. I came here to help save my marriage, thinking she was a WAW. The OM is a deal breaker for me. For now, I just want her out. The door lock idea is as good as any. I'll get on that in the AM. My L gave me advice about the sleeping arrangement tonight. He reminded me that we are still legally married and that I am still a man and she a woman. He suggested I go for it and watch how fast she exits the room on her own. If the thought of that did not repulse me enough to try it, she would be out in seconds. Ideas like that are why he gets paid the big $$$. I'll deal with OM issue once she files, not now. I'm past the point of trying to clear the fog. If I had talked to her when I found out, I would be typing this from jail. I told her I'm done and asked her to file. The waiting game begins, while I prepare for a future without her. As for possible second thoughts, I highly doubt it. She seems to be full steam ahead towards divorce, but slow to act on it. My L asked me how long I was willing to let this drag on. Good question. I don't know, but I will say that I'm using this limbo time productively.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
If anyone leaves it should be the cheater. I can't believe you're still keeping her secret especially if you've decided its over. With that said, if she wants to start a new life with OM quickly then you can use that as leverage to get everything you want in a D. Of she agrees to your terms then you'll let her out,of the M quickly and won't expose her as a whore. If she wants to fight you then her whorish affair gets added to the D filing so it's official public record for the world to know. Also, you should already have lawyered up and be the one filing. Never wait for it.
I would be very careful not to touch her. I would not try that as manipulation. I don't know what she is capable of but I would not underestimate her. She is not your friend, she is your adversary. If she thinks she is losing she could get desperate. The next thing you know your a wife beating rapist.
Tx, I am keeping the OM knowledge quiet for now for all of the reasons that you stated. In my state, filing first means nothing except for setting the court jurisdiction. It's the same court regardless of who files first as we both still live in the same house. It is not easy sitting on this info. I would love to throw it in her face but I'm following L orders on this one. Yeah, I lawyerd up a long time ago. My L is also a friend who happens to be one of the highest profile D lawyers around here. Mu, my L was half kidding/half serious when he told me how to get her out of the bedroom. He knew I would never do it.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Update: W and I had a strange talk yesterday. It started with discussion of D and how to split things up. It ended with her telling me everything I've done wrong again. I apologized for the things I've done and said that I will learn from all of this, but it's all a moot point discussing this again. Here is the crazy part. W tells me "you want the divorce, you file!". I told her I never wanted this, I just agreed to her wanting the D and that I will not file. I stayed calm and never brought up OM. Not easy. This is the craziest standoff ever. Who's NOT going to file? I am still completely faking it in front of her. This whole thing is killing me. One other thought. I told her I was done last weekend. Before that, any discussion involving a D was almost ignored by me. I just stfu if she said the D word. Now that I have agreed to it, something has changed in her. I can not tell if it is her being happy that I accepted it, or if she is having doubts. It's over for me, but I did something different and for the first time since BD, I see some movement. I wonder what would have happened if I grew a pair and made a stand right after BD. As most of us were, I was a mess and tried to appease her. I try not to think about the "what if's", but it's hard not to.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
If it is killing you to fake it then stop faking it. There is zero benefit to you for keeping her secret, even from her! I mean she knows she's having an affair, so why on earth are you trying to hide your knowledge of it from her.
Sure, you can put it in your divorce response but what difference does it make if that is a surprise to her or not. And I doubt there will ever be a divorce response because as you can already see, she is backing away from the brink of filing because her affair is clearly not a viable exit plan.
I think she will never file or voluntarily leave if she doesnt have to because right now she has everything she could possibly want, filing for divorce is hard, it would make her the bad guy, and there is no rich prince charming out there that she is trying to chase down.
I think you either need to file first, with all salvos, or you let her know you know everything about her affair. If she wants to play dirty from that point on, you both know that you have your ammunition to fight back if needed.
If there is only one thing I can just about promise you, its that you, and your kids, will feel immensely better when you are not holding on to any secrets.
Hey Fade, Keeping the secret of her A is not what is killing me. It's because I haven't fully detached yet. Still a work in progress, but getting closer every day. Everything happened too quickly. 7 months ago, I was happily married (at least in my mind). A few weeks ago I was dealing with a WAW. Then it was an OM in the picture, in vivid 3D detail. It is all just a lot to process sometimes. I understand your view on outing her A. I've questioned my L about it several times. For now, I will stick with his game plan. Once I can get past the emotional part, it's all just leverage and business.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Feel for ya as I am in a similar sitch but not with her having an A (as far as i could uncover that is)
If your L is giving you that advice, I would stick with it
For me, it would be so hard to keep that under wraps.
But even harder would be to want to reconcile as I think it would build alot of anger and resentment for not coming clean.
I struggle now with anger/resentment as I am past the repair stage but can't imagine what you are going thru in the same house with her hiding this.
I do like your lawyers suggestion :-)
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Hey Rich, Keeping this info in is not easy. It's even harder not to be openly angry. There are plenty of LBH's here whose wives are having an A. I totally respect their decision to continue to fight for their M's. It's just not for me. For me, once the trust is gone, there is nothing left.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
