Thank you all for the kind words. S9 was already having difficulties before this (bullied last year, withdrawing from the family over the past few months) but this situation sent him over the edge.
Last night was terrible, but I know he will benefit. They already got him to sleep last night! He has been forcing himself to stay awake and I haven't been sleeping either because I keep going every few hours to check on him to make sure he's staying asleep. I was able to talk to him for 10 minutes tonight and he seemed a little disgruntled that the meds knocked him out. I know that the not sleeping was a control thing for him but it had reached a super unhealthy point and contributed to his breakdown.
We get to see him tomorrow for a therapy session and I'm really looking forward to it. I missed him so much today and almost feel bad for my husband not being able to see the kids everyday anymore. I've always been a very attached parent (cosleeping with babies, babywearing, etc) and my kids haven't spent regular nights away from home so this is bizarre for me.
As far as detaching and focusing on the kids, we are moving out of the marital rental this week/next week and I've been putting a lot of focus on how fun it's going to be living with grandma. She has a huge house, so they will have double the bedroom size. I've also got girlfriends coming over to help sort stuff to purge and donate.
I'm trying not to let my husband get to me, re-reading once a day or so the "checklist" for the wayward spouse babble when he starts spewing stuff. My mind knows it's nonsense he's creating to justify, but I still get my feelings hurt for a few minutes. Reading Brene Brown as well to get some focus.
I also talked to my lawyer today and the separation paperwork should be ready by Monday or Tuesday. It's still weird to think about pulling that trigger, but it's clearly needed. Everyone I've spoken to seems to think I should have no problems getting what I want/need (namely, possession of our minivan and primary custody) but I still struggle with anxiety about the process.
I do have a fantastic support system. My parents are prepared to support the kids and I until the baby is 1 (due in June), or at least they phrased it as "After the baby is 1, then you can start thinking about school or working." Really, childcare alone for 6 kids would be astronomical, more than I could earn with my current skillset/work experience. I've all but decided that no matter what ends up happening, I need to go back and finish school.
Anyway, thanks again for the support and advice! I'm focusing on the kids and NC (unrelated to kids) with WH.
