she know's I'm focused on the marriage, and that selfless love is how a great marriage works. She's heard that before at marriage retreats, she's just in denial mode
I'm going to be very blunt here. I don't think it is denial, Trumpet. Yes, she's still in the OM's camp, and as long as she is, she's not really "wanting" all the stuff that make great marriages work. I think that may be what a lot of guys don't get through their heads. The WW does not want it. Even while she's going through withdrawal from the A/OM, she does not desire a MR with you, b/c that would require feelings that she doesn't have yet.
I am not just trying to find fault with your Pastor. I think he is like a lot of counselors who give advice as though the WW is 100% back into wanting the MR. Just b/c she's there with you in body, doesn't mean she is there emotionally or in spirit. There is a difference between doing something based on a decision and doing something out of feelings. I may not be the best at describing how the Pastor's suggestion appealed to her feelings, but it put pressure on her. She did not see it being helpful, but saw you trying too hard. It took a long, long time before I could say I felt the desire to work on having a good marriage. I would say that I was willing "to be willing" but I wasn't to the last part yet. IOW, I wasn't leaving him, and was just there.....that was all I could muster at that moment, and for a long time afterwards. If he had placed as much pressure on me as you have your W, I would have probably left, IDK.
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Pastor's going to be reaching out to her, just as another person to talk to. Her friends are really pushing for her to continue filing. She has a couple friends that told her she was wise to slow down, but some of her best friends from college aren't practicing Christians, and some are already divorced - they're grinding their anger axe by giving bad advice to my wife.
It's a confusing time for her, although she says she has ended the A, her emotions and addiction are screaming bloody murder.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
