How do you begin the process of forgiveness when you are unsure what it is you are forgiving ?
Personally, I believe it is important to know what we are forgiving. If the other person has offended us, betrayed us, hurt us, what did they to make us offended, hurt, upset, etc.?
In relationships, I think it might be easy, especially for men, to just apologize....in hopes of getting back in their W's good graces again. I don't believe that is healthy. If she's mad or hurt, he needs to know exactly what he did to cause those feelings. Then if he wants to apologize, he needs to specifically name the offense he caused.
The same is true if you are on the other end and you are the one who has been hurt. Surely you know what she's done to create the pain in you.
I also believe it's important in a MR to see remorse from the one who has caused the pain. It's not entirely necessary before you can forgive, but it's very important to the future relationship with that spouse.
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WAW's affair, and the speed in which the D was filed and petitioned,the refusal to go to MC or even talk about it has been so odd. For me, despite all the lies and underhandedness that goes with what has happened, I currently feel the biggest betrayal is the way our 15 years together and all we have gone through, many IVF's, etc. has all been belittled and its value reduced. This makes me so sad. my WAW has not shed a single tear, shown an ounce or remorse or any uncertainty of her actions since BD. This has made me feel more worthless than the affair itself.
For your own mental health's sake, you can break it down. 1) Refusal to get any help for the problems. 2) The lies she told. 3) the deceit and sneakiness. 3) Her cheating and betrayal. 4) The disvalue placed on the years of M together. 5) All the attempts to have a baby seemly unimportant or done in vain. 6) The lack of remorse.
This is a lot of offenses, which sadly, is not uncommon for a wayward wife. To tell you it is common, does not help your feelings. I hope in some small way it will help to tell you that you are not wrong to feel how you feel in response to everything she's done. These are feelings that have unnerved you and has shaken you to the point of feeling unvaluable. It has affected your self-esteem as a man. It has left you confused and maybe doubting you ever knew the true woman that she really was. It may cause you to doubt any future friends or other relationships, just people in general. A lot of LBH's go to therapy to work through these painful issues, b/c it is so much so fast.
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Phrases like ' I will never forgive you for this' keep resounding around in my head and I am struggling to stop it. 4 or 5 months ago she 'wanted to be friends' which I did, but I have been tricked and lied to about mediation, solicitors, house sales to name a few, that I don't currently want her as a friend as she is horrible and to be honest I don't really know who she is.
Truth is, you will never be able to trust her as long as she is wayward. Then it will take some evidence from her to be able to believe her. That usually comes in time, but I've never seen it happen quickly. It depends a great deal, I believe, in how the LBH reacts and the actions he takes. The more wayward she acts (the worse she treats him) the tougher he has to be. This is not the time to be showing a "nice-guy" persona to her.
She will twist & turn everything and make it sound as if you are the bad guy and have done something she'll never trust you or forgive you. Nonsense! Do not let her get under your skin that way.
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petty stuff like washing her cup up, leaving mine, buying her own toilet rolls despite me having done the shopping and so on.
You either have to ignore this immature behavior or else set some kind of boundary. The petty stuff, I advise ignoring it. Just don't say anything, shake your head as if she's a child.
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How do people deal with the love hate, up and down that keeps happening ?
The way I see it (and everyone doesn't agree about this) depends upon you. The longer you put up with her doing this love/hate attitude, the longer she'll continue to put you through hell. You have to take charge of what you'll tolerate and what you won't. Why live in with someone who treats you this way? She either straightens up or she needs to get out. But, she knows you are going to put up with it, doesn't she?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
