Still on the first chapter

[Enigma]

Boy this is hard. No matter how much I'd like to think I've detached I'm only fooling myself. I wish there was some button I could press where I wouldn't think of my WW daily. The unfortunate truth is that I do. Of course I miss her, and love her, but I grapple with the fact she has moved on and will likely never want to reconnect with me.

Being about 8 months in I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel I have done my best in moving forward with my life as much as I can. But I'm afraid by me moving into a new life of my own WW has viewed this as officially "over" and now she has her life. I know I know.. I was fired basically on BD as her H. It's been over since then. But all the signs have been pointing towards no hope in sight for a new MR. We are drifting further and further apart.

I don't care to speak with her nor see her. With little contact, I feel better and stronger and mind a little clearer. But when she contacts me about S2, it's like I feel a bit down again where it's annoying to feel that way. I still act cordially and answer with short responses but deep down I feel low. Then after a bit of no contact again I feel better. I wish there was a way I could get away from this cycle. Haven't found a way yet. For only the 2nd time since she moved out end of Sep she called me yesterday. I didn't feel like answering to be honest and thought if it was important she would leave a message. She didn't so I just ignored. Strange as she usually texts. We had a lot of snow yesterday and was around the time she would have picked up S2 from school (thought something about a closure from school today). But no, nothing said via text nor VM.

Sigh. Just a low day for me so wanted to vent. I still don't know if the path I'm taking is the right one, but my gauge overall is how I feel about myself vs. before BD. And I do feel much better about myself now. Just gotta get through this tougher days.

Thanks for listening!