Julie, if it's any help, my wife now tells me she's glad that it all blew up and her life was basically destroyed. She said it's what really started helping her snap out of it. She had turned 45 and went off the deep end. Asking herself all the "what if's" and wondering if the grass was greener...blah blah blah. She says she did not have the strength/guts/courage to fix herself and stop behaving badly. She needed the external pressure to change and she got it from OBS. The OBS blew the whole thing up and ruined my wife and her OM. She did what I didn't or wouldn't do because I was following a program and it said don't interfere with the A. In retrospect, don't interfere with the A????!!!! WTF was I thinking??? When there's an A you either blow it to smithereens and rebuild from the ashes or you blow it to smithereens and walk away. I'll go to the grave believing that because I tried the not exposing way and got absolutely nowhere. Once the OBS blew it to smithereens that changed the dynamic. My WW no longer had OM there filling her head with sh!t. Her head cleared and we were able to get down to business. It also helped that I was truly detaching so I fully endorse doing that too. After all the sordid details of the A came out, I wasn't sure that I wanted her back at all. During that period of time she was a nasty whore. Not the type of woman I'd ever associate with even if I was single.
Although I hold her responsible for her horrible choices, I think we all have to examine our cheaters and what was going on in their lives. Yes, they all made the choice to cheat. Nobody put a gun to their head. Still, as the people who know them best, what was their mental state? Nobody forces anyone to join a religious cult but people do all the time. How does that happen? Because cults look for people in vulnerable states to prey upon. So do OM's and OW's. My wife was sick in the head. Her MLC was real. She suffered from massive depression. No one in her inner circle could help. She sought external help and there he was. Mr. Predator waiting to pounce. He fed her head with so much sh!t just to have his sexual jollies.
Ladies, I'm here to tell you the God's honest truth. No man who would ever want to cheat with you really loves you, he just wants in your pants regardless of what his words say.
I still blame my wife for her part in the whole thing but I can also recognize that she is back from crazy land. It does happen. Sometimes they do snap out of it.
I will also swear that you have ZERO chance to work anything out with a cheating spouse while they are still cheating. That would be like playing nice and hoping a loved one wises up and leaves a religious cult. That happens so very rarely. You have a way higher chance of success in getting rid of the external influence on your cheater. That allows the fog to clear.
