Flight's Thread #2

[Flight]

I think my situation is somewhat the "exit affair" type. I do see a lot of "innocent" spouses on the board whose main sin was lack of attention or temper. Taking our marriage before the EA as a separate thing, we were both unappy to a degree. She has made the case that things that had built up over years (feelng unresloved about my online cheating from 6 years before, us engaging in swinging briefly, not accepting her for who she is) she was going to leave anyway. She felt controlled and that she had to give in to my needs and lose who she was in the process.

So while she still is rewriting our history, there is enough hurt there that she has at least convinced herself there is no going back. That is why I have been reluctant to push her away firmly. I was hoping to build the connection, but that has only worked in spits and starts and all unravels later on.

She has been very firm and consistent in, "I have put my life on hold waiting for you to catch up. I want to be able to see him. I don't want to hurt you, but you are not the guy for me and I am sure you feel I am not the girl for you. Let's either live together as roommates or separate. I need to know"

When she wavers, it has been, "Yes, I felt that connection and it surprised me. And I thought about it. But staying together when I know it would be just to not upset the apple cart is for the wrong reasons. I don't think I could love you again or ever be intimate"

Then again, those could be how she really feels, but that just like seeing an unexpected connection, it could all change if I do say, "Ok, here is the agreement. Let's sign. When will you be able to leave so I can get my life back?". Hard to say.

Any advice for the situation where the LBH did contribute enough hurt that "hurting" her more by acting completely "done", may push her away for good?