WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE

[trumpet]

I soooo want to trust her. It's been tough.

I haven't seen her phone, but she's still NC with OM.
She's wearing her ring.
She's being nice to me - made coffee for me this morning.
I ask how her workouts in the morning are going. I do compliment her on how her weight loss/strength training is going.
She was happy to see me reconnect with my college roommate. Didn't ask any questions about what we talked about.

On the surface, it seems like a positive direction.
There is just a gut negative reaction to all of this - that I'm being set up. For those who have had any reconciliation with their spouse, is this normal? That 46/47 days from now, I'll get served the papers, and her being nice right now is just a front to hide the OM?

Every day I move forward, and every day I realize I'm the focus, not the R. That I can fake the pleasantries, and be nice to her, but I'm on constant vigil to not give into wanting to be with her, asking more questions, laughing, being like old times. I have to work on ME, my relationships with my kids, and most importantly, my relationship with God. I am the most happy when I feel centered, when I'm not thinking about her, and when I can focus on my own well-being. That the trust I had in her is just gone. The gut reaction that even the nice things she does are to really just cover up the EA that might still be happening.

She's going to MKE today for a work meeting. First thing I thought was that she was going to meet up with OM. Of course I said nothing. Just told her safe travels as I left this morning to attend my first session of a hidden addictions group.

This addictions men's group has me really excited. I'm more of an open guy, so sharing is fine with me. The more I talk about my addiction, the more I feel like I've got a handle on the struggle, and can keep the handle in my hands. My relationship with Christ is an order of magnitude better than it's ever been, and with that, I don't feel the need to have my wife validate my existence anymore. In that regard, there are moments that I actually look forward to being divorced from my wife, where I'm not feeling so put down by her.

It's also scary to think that while I might be working to make myself stronger and ready to make a healthy marriage work for probably the first time in my life, that maybe, just maybe, that through my self-discovery that I really don't want my wife in my life. That the longing for the relationship is just so that I don't feel rejected, as a divorce is the ultimate put-down.

I don't see much of my wife working on things. She's neck-deep in the EA fog to notice. Respect still isn't readily apparent, as so much as what the kinds of respect I'd want in a marriage.
Not being around her means I'm not getting disrespected, so therefore I'm in a better mood.

I have a timeline in my mind, but it scares me. The filing of the D means she has 60 days. That puts it around March 5th. I had given things until my birthday, March 13th or so, to start to see the Titanic turn around, or at least show some course change, to avoid ME filing for divorce. I don't want to divorce, I know God hates divorce, and I'm on a divorce busting website. What scares me is that these thoughts cross my mind - would I be willing to file the D if there is no remorse, no work from the W on herself, and on the marriage? I don't deserve to be 'happy' - I'm not a believer that God put me on this earth to just find my happy place and stay there - He has work for me to do, and life is tough. Do I take being in limbo until then, which was my first thought? Or do I give her 6 months?
Is that me being selfish?

Ugh. Opinions are welcome.