I feel like I am taking a huge step backwards today. I am in a big time funk, the worst in months. Having a lot of trouble focusing at work, the WW is on my mind.
I don't know if it was the fact that I missed my nieces first birthday since she was born yesterday or if it is the fact that today marks 6 months since I last saw my wife. Pathetic.
It is hard with so little contact to get any kind of feel for where she is at. I feel my current method is exactly what I should be doing and exactly what I should not be doing all at the same time. I even had that strong urge hit to contact her today but luckily I fought through that.
Detaching is hard. Just when I think I make progress, I get pulled back in. Worst part is, she did not even do anything to pull me back in. I think this will be a temporary blip but still.
Being so much in the dark is driving me crazy. I wish there was a black and white answer to all of this. I want to sit down and talk about all this with her... the real her, find out what happened. Not the her that was parading around with her new hair, bright pink bra hanging out and a mini skirt on (that's a great memory). I just want to hypnotize her, remove that fog, and find out what the real story is.
Sorry for the rant, there is nothing to even respond to in this. I am not changing anything that I am doing... some days are just harder than others. I still think my very limited contact is the right way to go but it is kind of counter intuitive. It is really hard seeing this ending positively for us. Sure, I will grow and learn a lot. But my hopes of a new marriage with my wife are dwindling. I feel very strange even calling her my wife. In some ways, I do wish she would say something like.... "you know what Pin, I have taken the last 7 months and really thought about things. It just will not work between us, I will not be happy. I want a divorce." It would be a relief.
