I wish I could stop obsessing over the OW. I seem to be getting worse. Maybe it's just that I keep finding out he's lying about his whereabouts and is actually seeing her (instead of his kid)
The problem isn't the OW. It is him. The OW is the outlet.
So if he is the problem. He didn't get that way overnight. Surely us the (LBSs) have responsibility in making him him. It took me a long time. But I found some relief from being so upset at her with this idea.
As for L, please hire her/him don't just use them as council. This will take you out of the day to day and it will show him that you are acting appropriately and instituting a boundary. For many cases here, it is when people institute and hold a major boundary that change occurs.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Mahhhty, it sounds like you are doing well. So glad you stopped obsessing, that is a huge step forward.
I am glad you are busy, even though too busy to post, its a good sign that your life is moving forward.
Thanks Fo.2!
I think so. My interactions with her have changed as well. I'm looking her in the eye having easy conversations.
I realized the un-importance of actions, & conversations. For a long time I hinged everything on the idea of a moment. "A moment could improve my situation, it could turn it all around"..... but thats not true. The only moments (I could generate) are just those moments I manufacture. They aren't genuine moments, they aren't moments in which her heart is open, has respect, has remorse or any of those other qualities that are required for reconciliation. It may take her 1 year to get there, it could also take her 20 years and 20 relationships, she could also never get there.
I love the idea of my family. I love the woman I married, but I don't know this woman and shouldn't be hinging my future on an unknown. Life is too short.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I know it's "wisdom" that the OM/OW is never the problem. I get the logic but I've lived through it too. Once they're out of the picture it's surprising how much easier it is to communicate and rebuild. Why? Because OM/OW work very actively to sabotage that. They are the KISA who helped the wayward's escape such a "horrible" situation. They have a hold on them. A tight grip. Like a religious cult. Take the cult member away from the cult where they can think clearly and the fog lifts and they can be saved. While cheaters are engaged with their OM/OW they will almost never "come around" or have that "ah ha" moment. The OM/OW will make sure of that. Nobody, and I mean nobody, has a chance at any type of rebuilding of a marriage as long as their cheater is still engaged in an A. OM/OW is not the problem? Maybe not ALL of the problem but they are a HUGE part of it and must be removed from the equation.
Tx - I definitely agree. They are the drug and the WAW is still a user. But ultimately that is beyond a LBS's control.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Tx - I definitely agree. They are the drug and the WAW is still a user. But ultimately that is beyond a LBS's control.
Not 100% out of their control. It helps if the LBS has allies and there are multiple people from multiple angles working to bring the cheater back to their senses. Cheaters really are nuts. They're almost unrecognizable as the people we all knew and loved before the cheating began. Affair fog, in my opinion, is even more powerful than the influence a religious cult has on a person. People will destroy their lives, and their spouses' and children's lives, because of affair fog. OM/OW are the fog masters. Their goal is to keep them in the fog. Keep them hooked. They are Charles Manson, David Koresh, Osama Bin Laden.
I don't let OM/OW off the hook like so many others do. They are the scum of the earth. They prey on the emotionally vulnerable the exact same way that cults do. I despise them. If a loved one is sucked into a cult we blame the cult. If a loved one is sucked into an affair, we let the OM/OW off the hook. Why? I don't. OM is long behind us now but if I ever bump into him I will be hard-pressed not to smash his face in. I was a Marine grunt for 6 years so I know I can do it. He deserves it. The world would be a slightly better place without him in it. Still, I won't waste the time on him. Karma will take care of that for me. It already has in many ways.
Sorry to sidetrack and rant but I can't stand the thought of letting OM's and OW's off the hook. They do not deserve to be let off the hook.
I can honestly tell you that if it was my situation, I would relish in the delight of exposing husbands OW and making her life and WS life miserable. The justice of it would help me to sleep at night. If OW lost a job for it even better. Anyone that knowingly goes after married person (especially with kids) should be held responsible (I think financially and legally) since they are helping to break up a legalized Committment.
I am not confident enought to advise that to others because I Have no personal experience with whether it will get spouse back. If found out my husband cheated it would be crossing a boundary for me and I don't think our past relationship would be worth it to work through it. So I would be doing this knowing that I did not want relationship with my cheating spouse.
I also feel that the spouse of OW/ OH should be made aware because there is nothing worse then suspecting but having no proof. Plus they are exposed to life threatening illnesses and financial ruin. Personally, I would want to know if I was that spouse. It is fair. If I was told in confidence by close friend that she or he was cheating I would not be able to break that code though. So this is tricky and hypocritical.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie, if it's any help, my wife now tells me she's glad that it all blew up and her life was basically destroyed. She said it's what really started helping her snap out of it. She had turned 45 and went off the deep end. Asking herself all the "what if's" and wondering if the grass was greener...blah blah blah. She says she did not have the strength/guts/courage to fix herself and stop behaving badly. She needed the external pressure to change and she got it from OBS. The OBS blew the whole thing up and ruined my wife and her OM. She did what I didn't or wouldn't do because I was following a program and it said don't interfere with the A. In retrospect, don't interfere with the A????!!!! WTF was I thinking??? When there's an A you either blow it to smithereens and rebuild from the ashes or you blow it to smithereens and walk away. I'll go to the grave believing that because I tried the not exposing way and got absolutely nowhere. Once the OBS blew it to smithereens that changed the dynamic. My WW no longer had OM there filling her head with sh!t. Her head cleared and we were able to get down to business. It also helped that I was truly detaching so I fully endorse doing that too. After all the sordid details of the A came out, I wasn't sure that I wanted her back at all. During that period of time she was a nasty whore. Not the type of woman I'd ever associate with even if I was single.
Although I hold her responsible for her horrible choices, I think we all have to examine our cheaters and what was going on in their lives. Yes, they all made the choice to cheat. Nobody put a gun to their head. Still, as the people who know them best, what was their mental state? Nobody forces anyone to join a religious cult but people do all the time. How does that happen? Because cults look for people in vulnerable states to prey upon. So do OM's and OW's. My wife was sick in the head. Her MLC was real. She suffered from massive depression. No one in her inner circle could help. She sought external help and there he was. Mr. Predator waiting to pounce. He fed her head with so much sh!t just to have his sexual jollies.
Ladies, I'm here to tell you the God's honest truth. No man who would ever want to cheat with you really loves you, he just wants in your pants regardless of what his words say.
I still blame my wife for her part in the whole thing but I can also recognize that she is back from crazy land. It does happen. Sometimes they do snap out of it.
I will also swear that you have ZERO chance to work anything out with a cheating spouse while they are still cheating. That would be like playing nice and hoping a loved one wises up and leaves a religious cult. That happens so very rarely. You have a way higher chance of success in getting rid of the external influence on your cheater. That allows the fog to clear.
My W was caught in a PA when the OM's wife messaged me on FB telling me of the affair. She was unreachable during the affair and still seems to be in a state of shock. His wife really busted her chops and sent her pictures of him and at least two other women. My wife was so "in love" with him that she was blind to the snake he is. And the other man's wife isn't done yet. I think she is really up to something big. The sad thing is that my wife hasn't given a damn about what the affect is on the two families. And that is a shame. She is/was so lost in him that I didn't exist.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
TX & Julie.... That was a spirited conversation and I definitely agree with it, although have never implemented anything close to that and frankly don't know where to start.
A lot of the time, I come here, I have a good post and feel good then moments later something happens...
I haven't seen my kids in a almost a week until today. Needless to say, I was excited...
1... I text X telling her that I booked soccer. She texted that she had plans and was going to take the kids skiing. This disturbed me deeply, as I told her two weeks ago that I was booking soccer and ski lessons. The idea that she was going to bring them skiing and not tell me upset me. As I was proactive and approached her about both skiing and soccer. I come up with the idea and she implements it. That pissed me off. She has done that before.
2.... I pick up the kids. We leave daycare. We are in the car 5 minutes and they tell me that a boy, who's name they can't remember went to X-Niece's birthday party and slept over.
Here is my kids Mom. She is sick. They know it. They ask me when she will get better. I say of course not knowing. They tell me they like it when we are all together. I don't respond. I'm trying to get them going in sports with no help. If I want to talk or if something is wrong. I have to bring it up.
It what world is she living in, that she believes the kids life is so stable to introduce someone who sleeps in her bed.
I'm frustrated, but I haven't responded. Any help is appreciated.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Mahhhty, she is healthy enough to ski? I don't know what to tell you. It is messed up. Especially because she is sick, so you kind of have to be a saint here. Are you still a potential kidney donor? I'm sorry, I lost track of your story, I'm sure you posted it.
