Ugghhh, have I mentioned this is hard?

[SciDad]

Tough night last night lead to a rough morning.

I accidentally discovered a receipt that showed my wife wasn't exactly where she said she was last night. She claimed to be running late so she could stop off and get something on the way home. Only problem is that the receipt shows she was at a store right by where the OM now lives. And if she was coming from work she would have had to pass the house first....

So I was stupid (shocking, I know) and called her on the transparency plan (but didn't tell her about the receipt), and got the response I thought I would. Absolute deflection. She got angry and told me how hard it was to feel like she was always being watched. I told her I was sorry she felt that way, but her actions warranted concern on my part... I tried to frame looking at her phone not as a way to alleviate my concerns, but to help her if she was struggling to keep no contact with the OM. I think I failed miserably and she dug in her heels.

Although I tried to deflect the discussion, she initiated relationship talk and I struggled to remain calm at all the BS coming from her mouth. She's still trying to figure out her feelings and needs time. Blah, blah blah. I probably shouldn't have, but during this conversation told her that her attempts at working things out felt half a$$ed, mainly because she refused to address the issues with he OM.

I know she's holding out hope that I'll still support her for the rest of her life, that we'll be each other's #1 supporter forever. She says that's what she's going to do for me, but I know that can't ever work. #1 needs to be your current spouse/partner, not a memory of the past. So I let her know that while that would be nice, I couldn't see it actually happening. That a lot of how I treated her if we separated would depend on her actions now. On her honesty know. That if I found out that she was lying and seeing OM behind my back I would NEVER treat her like a friend again.

In the end, I think she felt like she won the conversation because I never checked her phone. In reality, she revealed far more about her motives then she intended and I realize that we're in the same place we've been in for months. I didn't need to see her phone to know what I'd find. WTF! I'm getting so tired of trying, so tired of the BS...

Great to know I've got a few more months to work on self-improvement, but I know our relationship won't improve as long as she's still stringing along the OM. I hate having the same conversation over and over with her. And it's tough to work on myself, when I have the weight of an executioner's axe hovering over my head. I feel that at any moment she'll decide she's done and I'll get served. No notice, no warning. I'll try to reinstall my virtual blinders and stop looking over my shoulder to see what she's doing, but its so damn hard.

Funny thing - the possibility of D doesn't send me into despair. It feels more like mourning to me. Not sure what that means, but it's what I'm feeling today. The same sense of loss I feel whenever friends or family leave this world. Maybe I'll get to see my marriage again some day. But I can't live my life remembering the past, chasing ghosts. I need to accept the fact that my marriage is dead.

And yes this is absolutely needy and fishing for attention, but can I sneak some hugs from y'all? I think I'm gonna need a few if I'm going to be able to keep it together until this party bus arrives