The start of my happiness.

[Zues126]

Hang in T. The next month is quite the trip. Your brain is trying to make sense of something that doesn't make any sense.

It reminds me of a quote from a story in which a guy is put to death by hanging. I feel a little morbid tonight so I'll quote it. [WARNING- DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH]

There was no help for him, but now he tried to scream for help. The sound new escaped his throat- but at the cost of air. He felt as if his tongue were being pushed into his nose. His kicking grew more violent, though every kick was agony. He spun on the rope; he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His face was turning purpose.
How long will it be? Surely not much longer!
But it was much longer.
If he had been underwater, holding his breath, he would now have given up and drowned.
If he had a gun and a free hand, he would kill himself now to end this agony and the sheer physical terror of being unable to breathe. But he had no gun, and there was no question of inhaling, and the blood throbbed in his head and made his eyes see everything in shades of red, and finally he saw nothing at all.
Saw nothing, except what was going through his mind, and that was a jumble, as if his consciousness were madly trying to make some arrangement that would eliminate the strangulation. He kept seeing himself in the creek behind his house, where he had fallen in when he was a child, and someone was throwing him a rope, but he could't catch it, and he couldn't and he couldn't catch it, and then suddenly it was around his neck dragging him under.

I'll end the quote there although it escalates a bit from there and the story is interesting. Hey, other people quote inspirational song lyrics, let me quote from a short story of Orson Scott Card. Anyway, it was over before much longer, but in the short story he was resurrected and put to death again and again.

Anyway, that's what came to my mind when trying to explain to my friend what it was like right after BD and separation. My mind kept trying to comprehend what was going on, kept trying to turn it around and around and find a way that didn't mean the death of my marriage and the destruction of a love I thought would endure through the universe. I'm still not sure what happened. Some things are so profound I don't think we ever really get our heads around it. It's like trying to understand the size of the universe. Sooner or later we just give up trying, and the part of our mind that wants to know just gives up, goes to sleep, and leaves us alone...until once in a while at night we look up at the sky and pick up that puzzle again and wonder why we do this to each other.

Tyler, I'm sorry if I'm bringing you down. I'm not trying to. I meant to be empathetic to what you're going through. The fact is that you WILL get through it. And while the love of your marriage might not have conquered all, there is another love, the love that the universe itself is woven from, and while all of humans interrupt it and break it and misinterpret and misapply it, that love still exists. Somehow, someway, it is always there, we are always part of it. And while your wife may leave, and may never come back, she will never break that bond that bound you two. You will always be together in spirit, even while your bodies go elsewhere and form new identities and are reborn into new lives. As for tonight, I am there with you, knowing you are sick, in your bed, lost at sea. Hang in my friend.

[Tyler12]

Thank you Zeus. The quote does hit home. It's the struggle to understand and the desire for it to end.
I haven't said it lately because I feel like I shouldn't. I have been holding in sadness and focusing on anything to make it go away.
But I miss her. Right now I feel like I am approaching this all wrong and should be talking to her and be happy and ask her how she is doing. It feels so wrong to me I feel distant an indifferent.
When I txtd her back tonight I said was as v ball. Sorry I don't know where it was packed.
W: oh. K
Me. How were the boys today ( I focused so much on that I wasn't going to talk to her I forgot about my boys. It's only day 2 for them too)
W. They are good Told me a bit about their day.
Me. How is little guy. Can't wait to see them.
W he is good. I'll let you know about meeting Friday. She might come all the way to get her mail forwarded.
Me. Alright. Let me know. Have a good night.

It just feels like it's cold and dismissive which isn't who I am. I know I am a "nice guy". And I'm working on that.
I am focusing on DB. And doing my best. It just feels wrong sometimes. On the plus side tho I found myself able to focus much better at school today. I focused on the money issue a bit. Then I handled it and it we gone. It didn't linger like things used to

[Zues126]

I get it. I get it.

I know it is counter-intuitive, but please do trust DB. I would really recommend you cut back the texting. While there was nothing in your texts that was DIRECTLY needy or clingy, I still think it was. You were finding ways to continue the exchange. And you were doing it by talking about the children. This creates the perception that you are NEEDY, and that you are USING the children to CONTROL her to continue to communicate to you and stay connected with you when she doesn't want to be.

There's more to it than that, but it's late, and I'm tired too. Just trust us. Keep your mouth shut. Your voice will only hurt things at this moment. For you and for her.

Have faith. We're with you.

[Tyler12]

I can see what you mean by staying engaged in conversation over the premise of talking about the kids. I guess my problem with DB is I am still using to to see if she notices. Not for myself. I find myself worrying sometimes she will think I am being a jerk and distant Again I am letting her control my emotions.

[Azzork]

I haven't said it lately because I feel like I shouldn't. I have been holding in sadness and focusing on anything to make it go away.

It's perfectly OK to feel sadness. Its actually HEALTHY to feel sad. Didnt you watch Inside Out?

What you dont want to do is:
1) express that sadness to your W
2) Let your sadness dictate your actions

But it's OK to lie in bed and cry for an hour now and again.

[Tyler12]

Thanks Azzork. No i haven't watched that yet. Been meaning to with the kids. Just prefer watching older stuff most of this new stuff is crap. Lol.
Other than the day she left I haven't expressed sadness to W. If I was I would leave and go be alone. Problem was she would follow and ask what's wrong. I would just say. Some times it's harder than others and collect myself.
The emotions don't dictate my actions as much anymore. That's been the challenge. To not backslide because of sadness or anger.

[Tyler12]

Reading other threads of people dealing with WAS I am noticing a slight difference in my sitch. It seems that in most cases WAS tends to be indifferent to LbS feelings actions and WAS tend to do petty little things and over all act like totally different people.
This is where I am confused in my sitch. I see times where W has been distant and not caring about how I am. However she is very civil, still friendly during interactions and shows concern at times to my well being.
As for being a different person. Yes. She is different to the woman I married but it's more like she is treating her life like when we met. A social butterfly.
I am not trying to justify her actions or choices. It just seems like majority of LBH deal with a real B! Of a WAW.
Not sure if i am thinking clearly about this. Or if it makes any difference in how to handle things.
I definitely had times where I thought she was being unnecessarily angry or spiteful. But never petty. I dunno. Just my thoughts this am

[Tyler12]

Thinking about my previous statement more. I did not like the actions and attitude she took on during this. I didn't mind her going out and enjoying herself. The choice of who and where was te issue. I'm not the type of guy to make her stay home and do nothing. Her lack of respect for me during this time also upset me. So in that way she was different.

[Tyler12]

Ok. Here is my issue right now. W txt me to complain about her day. Rental place washing machine doesn't work. Baby gate broke somehow.
Do I ignore this? What is the balance of DB and caring support. Personally I find it funny. But do I say anything? Sorry your having a bad day?

[Vanilla]

Tyler

My view is very straightforward

If this directly affects your children you act, if not she decided to run her life on her own. Let her know what life without Tyler is like.

V