The start of my happiness.

[Zues126]

Hang in T. The next month is quite the trip. Your brain is trying to make sense of something that doesn't make any sense.

It reminds me of a quote from a story in which a guy is put to death by hanging. I feel a little morbid tonight so I'll quote it. [WARNING- DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH]

There was no help for him, but now he tried to scream for help. The sound new escaped his throat- but at the cost of air. He felt as if his tongue were being pushed into his nose. His kicking grew more violent, though every kick was agony. He spun on the rope; he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His face was turning purpose.
How long will it be? Surely not much longer!
But it was much longer.
If he had been underwater, holding his breath, he would now have given up and drowned.
If he had a gun and a free hand, he would kill himself now to end this agony and the sheer physical terror of being unable to breathe. But he had no gun, and there was no question of inhaling, and the blood throbbed in his head and made his eyes see everything in shades of red, and finally he saw nothing at all.
Saw nothing, except what was going through his mind, and that was a jumble, as if his consciousness were madly trying to make some arrangement that would eliminate the strangulation. He kept seeing himself in the creek behind his house, where he had fallen in when he was a child, and someone was throwing him a rope, but he could't catch it, and he couldn't and he couldn't catch it, and then suddenly it was around his neck dragging him under.

I'll end the quote there although it escalates a bit from there and the story is interesting. Hey, other people quote inspirational song lyrics, let me quote from a short story of Orson Scott Card. Anyway, it was over before much longer, but in the short story he was resurrected and put to death again and again.

Anyway, that's what came to my mind when trying to explain to my friend what it was like right after BD and separation. My mind kept trying to comprehend what was going on, kept trying to turn it around and around and find a way that didn't mean the death of my marriage and the destruction of a love I thought would endure through the universe. I'm still not sure what happened. Some things are so profound I don't think we ever really get our heads around it. It's like trying to understand the size of the universe. Sooner or later we just give up trying, and the part of our mind that wants to know just gives up, goes to sleep, and leaves us alone...until once in a while at night we look up at the sky and pick up that puzzle again and wonder why we do this to each other.

Tyler, I'm sorry if I'm bringing you down. I'm not trying to. I meant to be empathetic to what you're going through. The fact is that you WILL get through it. And while the love of your marriage might not have conquered all, there is another love, the love that the universe itself is woven from, and while all of humans interrupt it and break it and misinterpret and misapply it, that love still exists. Somehow, someway, it is always there, we are always part of it. And while your wife may leave, and may never come back, she will never break that bond that bound you two. You will always be together in spirit, even while your bodies go elsewhere and form new identities and are reborn into new lives. As for tonight, I am there with you, knowing you are sick, in your bed, lost at sea. Hang in my friend.