I'm not sure where to even start with today. Our oldest is the only one who knows about the separation so far (the others are just oblivious). He is 9 and I've been taking him to a therapist for depression for about a month. Today we went to see a doctor about prescribing meds for the depression and his difficulty going to sleep. While there he told the doctor he wanted to kill himself and that he hated himself. That he'd rather be dead than have us get divorced and that it was the worst thing that had ever happened. He said he wouldn't take any medication and if I tried to give it to him he would throw it away and destroy the bottle. After talking for a while, he was on the verge of a breakdown (doctor described it as "crumbling") and she referred him for inpatient treatment.
On the ride there he said he hated his dad because "he has no idea the pain he is causing us." That was like a knife to the gut. I reassured him that daddy was making bad choices but that didn't change the love he has for our kids. My husband met us at the hospital for the assessment and although he seemed casual during it, we both broke down in the parking lot. He hugged me and said "Im sorry" twice but didn't specify what for. We both said we wanted to just go back inside and take him home. We each get to talk to him 10 minutes a night and can see him for two hours on Saturday. Hopefully he will only have to be there a week to get his sleep stable and for the antidepressants to start stabilizing him. This was so hard, to leave my baby there. I could use prayers or good thoughts
