I am so very sorry you are hurting so much. It took me months to get to where I was on level ground. This is awful, and there is so much I didn't understand about it. I think what finally helped me was the realization that H was well and truly gone for now. He's been taken over by MLC...and he needs to work through it. I've heard the craziest things come out of H's mouth, but some of them stick with me:
"I just want to be happy." "I want to date other people and see what else is out there." "What? Am I just supposed to watch you die?" "Being married to you has completely ruined my life."
These comments hurt like nothing else, but they also tell me a lot about what H's state of mind is. He's seeking "happiness"...he's absolutely sure he's going to find it elsewhere, even though for years he was very happy being a father and husband. He has no idea what he wants. He's terrified of death, and the fact that I'm chronically ill is more than he can handle in his current state.
He honestly believes that his life will be great once he gets rid of me. He drinks so much now, it might seem that way for a while - but he is going to have the loneliness hit him really hard one day - and I feel so very badly for him. I wouldn't wish his confusion on anyone.
He'll list things I've done, and I'll correct the memory - he'll acknowledge I'm right, and then go right back to accusing me again. It's a symptom of his crisis. None of it can be his fault - it's all got to be mine. Add in the fact he started acting like I was his mother (I was keeping him from doing "fun" things) - it just exploded in his mind, and he bolted.
I don't know when or if he'll ever find his way home. I just know I feel so very badly for him. He blew up his family. He destroyed me. I worry that he'll just refuse to face the damage, because it is so huge.
I'm telling you all this, because I'm betting you'll see a lot of similarities in our stories. H is gone. He won't be back for a really long time. Please don't allow yourself to fall into despair. You have an entire life to live, learning of your own to do. If your H ever returns, he's going to need so much help. Will you be strong enough to help him?
I'm not suggesting you move along. This is HARD. I just hope you'll start seeing things a bit differently. I really worry about you, and hope to help you through this. The first thing you're going to have to do to get to a state of acceptance is to really understand what is happening.
MLC doesn't end quickly. It lasts for a while. What are you going to do in the meantime to be able to help your H? That is how I finally started progressing. My H has been awful and downright abusive. I love the old H with all my heart. I meant my vows - and I consider this the "for worse" I promised to remain through.
If he suddenly changed his mind tomorrow, would you really be okay? You've got forgiveness to work on, compassion, understanding...these things take a while. It might help you if you start thinking about how you need to grow in order to be able to help your H one day. It really did help me.
Hang in there, IP! I'm in your corner, wishing only good things for you.
