I feel like she is a rebellious teenager some days.
My XW continues to act this way as far as I can tell. She makes choices like our teenaged son does. Bizarre sense of entitlement considering she is in her 40s and should know better.
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But, she only worked 3 days a week, and did whatever she wanted on the other days. I never intentionally held her from doing anything unless we had no money.
Again, very similar to my XW. As adults with children we all have to set realistic boundaries on our behavior including when it comes to money. Life and marriage ain't easy.
The truth is, our WS/WAS's will tolerate the same behavior in their OPs that they say they reject the LBS for.
Doesn't mean everyone doesn't bear responsibility for the quality of the relationship, but in the end some people quit and some people don't. Aside from real danger, abuse, or serious problematic behavior that you refuse to change, there is no excuse that works for me to justify quitting, and none to justify or excuse cheating.
I think that some people don't have it in them to truly forgive, or truly seek forgiveness, and work through problems while honoring their commitments. It's a personality and character issue, and they view things in terms of what they think they could or should have, or how much easier it should be to get it, than in realizing that most of us already have far more than most in the world, and that real benefits (be they emotional, relational, spiritual, material) all require hard work over the long haul, and perseverance.
Tl2, glad to see ya. I know I had screwed things up in my m, but I wasn't alone there. It just happened to be that the last argument a year and a half ago, I finally was able to get my depression under control, and found meds that worked. That was also the time that she quit trying. Cruel joke by the universe?
I'm having it rough, partly because the D is sinking in? Partly due to my antiversary coming up in a couple weeks.
Ic, tonight, challenged me to try and not think about wanting her back for a set amount of days. He said that I could even mark a calendar and revisit this in 6 months, and if I still want r, to perhaps bring it up to xw. Not sure that it is the best way to go about it, but what I am doing isn't really working for me.
I volunteered to help a buddy do a home improvement project. That should help me. I really like him and his family, I like doing carpentry work, and it will keep me out of the house for a bit. A sense of purpose too. They have been a big help to me, so it's the least I can do.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
D - I'm so excited about the project! You are absolutely correct that you need something to do. I think it will help you a lot.
Our 21st anniversary was just a few months after BD - and it was rough. Try to keep your mind occupied so you're not dwelling on it. Arrange something with some friends that evening so you're not sitting at home stewing.
I hate that you're backsliding - I feel so badly for you. You can come back up, D. You've just got to stop focusing on her, and put that focus right back on you. Got it?
Thanks anc. According to ic, he thinks I am now mourning the loss of my m. I think I may be actually accepting what is. I have held so much hope, which led to expectations. They are my kryptonite. I haven't been able to keep the "no expectations" part of the 37.
I'm working towards let go and let God. I'm not there yet, but it's closer. I think I may need this week of grieving to move forward. It sure does suck though!!!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Patience is another topic that I struggle with in my sitch. Whatever xw is going through, it likely won't be fixed any time soon. I need to understand that and try to have some compassion for it. I forgive her all of this, I helped to push her to it. I need to let her walk her path, while I walk mine. I hope they come together again in the future.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Dday, it seems like a rough day for a lot of us. Glad to hear you have a project to work on. I am working on the "Let go and let God" approach as well. God sure has his hands full with all these spouses we are turning over to Him.
At this point I'm really just coming here to tag up with you and Grlonfr. I am starting to need long periods where I just don't think about relationship stuff at all.
Getting through it and moving forward just takes time I think. A longer time than we'd like and different for everyone. I think an ideal to strive for would be to refuse to wallow in the misery and grief, and hold on too tightly, but also not try to rush forward and deny the reality of the pain right now. I can't say I've gotten there.
I too would be willing to reconcile in a healthy way if she came to me and suggested it (at least, I think I would...a lot of trust issues though that make me wonder as time goes on...). I think my sitch is a whole lot bleaker than yours though. Mine would likely involve AA/rehab on her part, all kinds of stuff like that that I don't think she would ever do...and the fact that our D is now final reduces those odds to almost nil.
If you've ever seen the Showtime series Nurse Jackie, my XW isn't too far off from her. No drug habit as far as I know, but drinking, constant deception and lying, cheating, manipulating, and using family, friends and co-workers is very close from what I've seen and just what I know about my XW's activities.
I do miss my family being together. That's still really difficult even though our kids are grown. But I have a friend who reminds me it was an illusion because of what I now know my XW was up to.
I think you will be mourning the loss for a while. For me at this point it has withered down to a moment here and there...something I'm often aware of but that doesn't really affect my mood or thoughts too much most of the time.
I'm trying to stay focused on my own GAL stuff. Not interested in riding a rocket into the future but I know it's coming for me I do want to be strong and prepared for it.
I think you have some good GAL stuff going and good goals. Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a very, very hard thing. You're getting there.
As long as we keep moving forward we'll be okay.The work your doing to improve yourself will make you a incredible catch. It seems that our spouse's are improving at glacial speed and if we have any chance it will be months from now. Be strong
