Here again after 9 years and struggling 3

[Irish M]

I suppose it depends what I'm fighting for on whether or not I blew it. The only outcome I truthfully want is to reconcile with H. Yes, I know we're all supposed to be changing ourselves into better people here and I am and will either way. But I don't want to end up with just 'I'm a better person', I want to end up with 'I'm a better person and H loves me again'.

Hi Inpain

I agree 100% that should be your goal if that's what you want. I too want that for myself and for every LBS here. I might of explained it wrong but what i meant was to better yourself and not have expectations. Avoid the hurt. You don't need to be let down and in this up and down world of MLC its hard to avoid that. You need to detach from the emotions get strong... because the day H wakes up , if it happens and i pray it does...there is a harder process to go through. So the more you educate yourself, understand that H is not himself, plus you cant control his journey and you should distance yourself from it. You will accept what happened and you will have better tools to deal with it. Your way.

Seeing things differently scares me too right now. Differently how? I don't want any of this to happen and I don't want to feel differently towards my H. Would sure love for him to feel differently towards me though

Differently as seeing it as not your fault and you or your H have no control over it.
Seeing it as MLC. Crazy train, in the tunnel of Fog. I know we can't imagine the person we married doing half of the things they do and don't do. This is not the man you married. You can love the old husband, he is in there somewhere. Just he can't get out. He has to want it, deal with it and change it all by himself.

Yes, he didn't even interact with D7 at all except when she had some lunch. She wasn't remotely interested in him being here and neither was S11. S11 comments every time H goes, "Well, that was a waste of time, Daddy doesn't do anything with us when he comes round, just sits there, what's the point?" Smart kid!

The kids are so smart.Mine knew my W was off weeks before i saw it. I told my W the last time she treated them like "crap" (polite version), and she wondered why they didn't want to see her. I told W, "because we raised them well and they stay away from people like you." .

Sad thing is the kids build a resentment and anger. Its their way of protecting their emotions. Love them even more. Reassure them. Educate them.

i think you are doing great and the emotional roller coaster i see you on is not going to stop any time soon. I hope it does. You can get off it and let H ride it alone.

Hope you are getting at least a few good hours of sleep each night. Hope you are eating well. I know i lost 20-lbs in the first 2 months. I have since regained it less the 5-lbs I wanted to lose before MLC. I'm at a great weight now lol

Irish