Last week was pretty quiet, till Friday night. I can not recall what started things but W decided to go Monster. I found myself in a good place and also discovered my truth dart game was in the zone. This did seem to get Monster a bit more riled up as she spewed her typical hateful things to which I brought up her pleading that she wanted to be my friend, and I restated aloud what she just said and asked “Who would ever want to be friends with anyone who said that to them?” I then calmly told her I would not be talked to in such a manner and I left for work.
It was a very surreal feeling, I realized a few things about myself this past week. First … its all about me and how I handle things like this, these tests .. I see them for what they are, she tests/temp checks/ reacts when I am not playing according to her rules, then she realizes she pushed to hard and pursues. As uR says .. round and round we go .. but with every cycle I get better, stronger and wiser. I also noticed I have her back in the detachment tank, like a fish .. I am safe and she can not hurt me there. I laughed that night as I thought, she really can not hurt me as I have not let her back in… she has already done all she ever could do and here I am, stronger for it. I see her and the things she says as projections, pointing out her own faults as she looks towards me. As I left Friday night she again said her go to “See we are Oil and Water, we just do not work”, Oil and Water that have been together for 25 years, she pressed the D key again hoping it was still one of my buttons, I calmly told her I do not agree, but she was free to file and I would sign if this is what it took for her to find happiness (the fact I was sincere when I said this seemed to 180 her mood), I then asked her why she did not press through the last 2 times over the past 2 years … we were not even together then, what held her back as it clearly was not me. Her mood changed and a soft “I don’t know” came out .. I softly told her “I would search my feelings on that, maybe there is something there” I left for work.
Saturday she was Ms Happy/Nothing happened, I was a bit more reserved. I took S out for his Baseball Tryouts as W had a Hairstylist apt … evidently that was cancelled and she asked what we were going to do, I told her we made plans and I was not sure when we would be home …. I could have invited her but honestly I just wanted space, I think sometimes in this MLC thing we need it and I did not feel bad one bit. S had a great tryout, then we went and grabbed him a new glove for the new season (His old one needed to be put down!) After, S shared with me he was concerned about not getting a game for his B day .. as it comes out 2 weeks after, I winked and told him not to worry .. took him to Gamestop and we preordered it, I told him it was my gift to him, its paid for he has the receipt and once its out he just needs to get it… B day early in a way, but he has to wait till the release. After that we grabbed Jamba Juice and a Sub, had a nice little late lunch outside and talked boy stuff. We get home later and W is gone … S and I get settled and start a movie. W texted me she was getting her eyebrows …. Strung .. or something like that, whatever it was its new for her. I realized after replying ‘OK’ that angst of wondering if she is with OM or lying to me is gone, I am thankful for that .. .I think it stems from reading a bit and someone said something to the effect of you can not really do much about it … but you can take comfort in IF they are doing something like an OM/OW just know you will find out about it, not like BD when it’s a blindside, you now know its possible but have accepted at this point in your life if they do choose that you can do nothing about THEIR choice, and mine would be made for me, its really helped me to look at these things in this light.
Sunday … I went to church early. I used to wait for W but since she has wanted space, I have given it to her, nor do I want to pressure her to even go. I walk the dog around 7, make breakfast for S and I, and head out to chrch at 9. W takes her time and has been going at 10:45. After Church I went to the grocery store, ahd everything all done and put away by the time W and S were out of church. W calls me up asking if we were going to do the bike ride with S, we had discussed it but never really ‘Planned” it. I told her I would meet them but had to leave by 2. Was a nice little walk … still kind of limited talk with W, off in her own world. I went to a baby shower for a friend at 2, yes .. I Went as a Man .. to a Baby shower .. 180 and GAL wrapped into one. I even rode the Harley to completely throw the dogs off my scent. W informed me that she was going to the gym when I got back … more out of a “Oh well you are doing your thing I will do mine” type vibe .. again .. all good. Turns out she was asleep when I arrived home, S and I got together and watched our series. W woke … and ended up watching a movie with us.
So Observations. I have been doing a bit of mirroring with her. I do not start conversations, I will reply to her questions and hold conversations provided she stays interested. A lot like talking to a 14 yr old with ADD, I have been doing this well as of late. I also have noticed this past week she has not been sleeping well at all, not sure why this is as of late … just observing. I did get a “Maybe one day you will talk to me again” in passing Sunday night … I did not reply as I felt it was just bait .. late at night and nothing good would come from a discussion at that point. The Spew sessions … this may sound a bit strange but I really think she is processing through stuff, The Friday night spew one of the main topics was … ok Get this one … My Father. He has been dead since June 2012. Now according to W he “hit” on her back in 2009 when my brother got married and she is upset with me because when she told me I did not stick up for her. This is a history re-write as far as I can tell, my wife is very attractive, my father has a sarcastic wit and can be crass at times. Most likely he said something she found offensive … not hard if one looks to be offended … rather than laugh it off, she has always disliked my father regardless of his attempts to make things right with her. (Early on they did not care for each other, but my father to his credit did attempt to mend the bridge, W however torched it.) Anyways … W is still mad at me for this, I validated and told her I was sorry he made her feel that way, but pointed out he is kinda dead, and I really have no way to approach him and address his poor behaivior .. to which I got “Convenient” I will admit .. I did laugh on the inside at this one. This lead to a discussion on the past, all the things I have done to upset her .. some legit, others fabricated, regardless I told her the past is a very dark cold place, I have apologized for my wrong doings on numerous occasions and I can do little else, its up to her to live in the past, or join the rest of us in 2016 where it’s a bit more sunny and warm, her choice, I cannot help her with that decision.
Ok .. so this brings us to last night. W set up a Psychic Reading, personally .. not my thing but hey she is searching for answers and that alone tells me she is working on things. So she gets home a bit late, again I am cool with things and she is doing her thing. I had cooked some Salmon (She does not like fish) and roasted potatoes … (Been cooking a bit more now that I think of it, part of the old me I really loved) So she stated she was hungry and was going to use the leftover Hamburger, I offered the fish knowing she did not care for it .. surprisingly she accepted, took 2 bites and opted for the burger …lol. She then jumped in the shower, and soon after wrapped in a towel asked me if I had a minute. I had that “Uh oh.. here we go feeling” but went into the MBR and she started telling be about the Reading, starting off by telling me she knew I did not really believe in that stuff… true, but I also said I was not judging. She told me the woman was really spot on with many things, asked W how her 2 children were, W shared we only had one .. then realized … she meant the other one we lost before S … according to this woman we had a daughter, this was hard for me to hear, not sure why it hit me as it did .. but it hurt. Then she started in about BIL3, the one incarcerated. The PR(Psychic) said he did it, was hiding the truth .. W up to this point has been adamant BIL3 is innocent, but now all the sudden things he was lured into doing what he did. WOW … ok .. then .. get ready. She told me this brought up a memory of her and BIL when she was 14, she says nothing happened but well .. not to do into details what she remembers … yeah, this plays right into this entire MLC thing as I have always felt whatever it was was around 14 for her.
Besides the fact that something happened, the fact she recalled it .. and further more she told me about it. I was and am still a bit stunned. She told me she did not want me to use this against her …. Again Projecting, she does that .. atleast in MLC she has, anything I have said out of confidence she has thrown at me. The fact she trsuted me enough to tell me this … pretty big, she has never told anyone she shared. So, hopefully she processes this, deals with it .. I will try to urge her to see professional help but as I have read, and its true in Ws case, she went to 3-4 ICs during MLC, not liking what they had to say during that replay stage she is rather jaded when it comes to therapy and has been pretty reluctant to go …. However she was at ease seeing the priest I suggested, so I may very well push her in that direction gently. Again, she has to want to fix this, at this point I can only plant a tiny seed here and there
