Thought I would try to come back and reply a bit … update to follow. (Again I type this out at work so no quote buttons … my apologies)
KML: Yes, its abusive … has been since she entered into crisis little did I know anything about boundaries, MLC, all that … but the more I have grown, the more I have learned and that has helped me along the way. Bottom line as you touched on, its her projecting … she has projected throughout this crisis and it took me a bit to figure that out. I discovered a phrase some time ago … Hurt people, hurt people and kept that in mind for some time, but now its honestly more about seeing it for what it is, she is in crisis and is processing these things slowly, I still remain as a target when she monsters, not as much nor as bad these days due to boundaries but I it does still continue to happen when she spins. As far as the esophagus thing … yes I have been scoped and all that, just a spasm here and there .. not as frequent but thank you for your suggestion I will ask my doctor about it when I see her.
M: Yeah, its one of those things, there were little peek-a-boos here and there, I think back in Mar last year she was terrified I was out the door so she reeled me back in, she went through OM withdrawals for a few months then appeared to want to reconcile, this was a mistake in retrospect .. reconciling prior to reconnection, live and learn, and I really needed a big gulp of No Expectations at the time but was just happy things were leaning towards some sort of normalcy I drank the koolaide and this set things back a bit I think … maybe not .. hard to say right? But as I have said … W and S are in such a better place it warms my heart and honestly regardless of the M, I am thankful she is out of the tunnel enough to be a good mother to him again, that’s a win as far as I am concerned.
Feyth: Thank you ..I laugh when people compliment me on strength and resilience … I know its just a matter of my stubbornness shining through for the world to see ..lol. I do think as bad as it is .. this whole journey was for me, I needed to become better and would have never done so without this and am grateful for the opportunity to reinvent myself as I have.
HaWho: Yeah … I think in retrospect I lost my balance when she came back, was like I was snake charmed. She said and did so many things that I foolishly thought she was out of the tunnel and piecing herself back together …. Turns out I think she came up for air a bit .. but still had to go back down like Jaws with her 3 barrels. I am still discovering just how long this takes and knowing I am not weeks/months out … but years till she gets herself sorted and it’s a matter of where I find myself when and IF that happens with her.
Vanilla … yeah .. MLC does give us some goldies … I have my personal collection but do read one that makes a person shake their head often.
uR, my Jedi-Oracle. Yeah … that spin cycle will suck you in before you realize it … then I tell myself I knew better, just like licking the 9 volt battery. You are spot on with things not going how I thought/and the time factor … its such a long process and at this point its easy to be fooled things are so close to normal yet the apple cart tips and you realize its far from over, its different and the same and who knows what ‘normal’ even is anymore. Taking a few days off … I basically took a MLC vacation and sorted myself out a bit, Prayed and prayed some more and sat and listened. Its not time for me right now, I am still here remaining strong and will see what if anything I am to do. This helped me regain some balance, W is back in my ‘Science Project” lens and I have detached enough to where I am actually quite comfortable with things as they are at the moment … FOR ME … her .. well that’s her plate and she can clean it how she likes/when she likes … IF she likes.
GB … aw man … yeah I would have you tearing up the floor, most likely laughing at your kung-fu moves trying to get the local buzzards off ya. Thank you for your support, I am good really … MLC [censored] and I have a front row seat but its more about that Hitch scene .. dancing in MY space and refraining from doing that Q-tip move lookin like a fool.
FY: I agree, I have seen her doing the work as of late … was not really seeing it before but again, not like I have a clue as to whats going on in her MLC noggin… none of us do right? I think it my biggest fault was thinking things continually progress, truth is, the longer I have been at this, the more I learn, the more I read .. I think the work is done in chunks, and there are breather periods in the middle … I realized today speaking to some vendors discussing the changes we have made here in the 2 years since I took over, I said “Quick changes never stick, slow and steady improvement has proven us great results and the team buying into it proves this approach” …. The same can be applied to us LBS dealing with MLC … I have no doubt in this. And yeah … you are also spot on, she is giving what she can, when she can. Knowing her .. if she is getting a clearer picture of things with the fog slowly lifting, the guilt must be tremendous and I do think it’s a big part of her runs back into Monster, easier to run and scream than to quietly accept you were a person you would not be proud of.
