I am curious to know why you often hold back on your posts.You take the time to write but then delete them. Deleting posts on other people's threads because you feel they are tainted by your own emotions is understandable.
But on your own thread such posts will help you evacuate some of the shjt that builds up. You know you are amongst peers and won't be judged. Maybe it is the old you who is determined to do it alone. Plusyour first thoughts often give better insight to what is actually going on in your head, so could provide clues to those trying to help.
Most of the time, i type out incoherent thoughts or illogical bullshit that i see right through once I’ve typed it all out. There are plenty of moments where I am just so frustrated with myself, and this marriage that my thoughts are confusing to me. So yes roiste, i am able to get it out and on paper and can see how those thoughts are affecting my behavior. It woukd be the same as writing a letter to someone and never sending it. I then delete things and put to thought.
And of course, there is a piece of rational for deleting things, that is me not allowing myself to show weakness...not asking for help, not going to pretend otherwise. I get stuck sometimes and just need to type. Just want to scream. Truth be told, there are also times that I feel a bit ashamed of myself for being a winey person. I see all of the pain here and I realize before I hit post, that my struggle pales compared to some of the other trials that I read and am quite ashamed that I am not managing as well as I should, or doing a good enough job DB’ing as I should be by now.
{A good example, was what I deleted the other day: I was frustrated with my sitch. We went out on Friday night with a bunch of other parents. We went to new local brewery to socialize (YAY) they over to a bar for some live music. I was frustrated because it took an hour to get my wife onto the dance floor with me, so I danced with all of the ladies who were trying to get their husbands out there (to no avail) instead. There was nothing funny going on, or inappropriate, just good old fashioned dancing. Finally wife did come out there and dance for a decent amount of time. After the fact, It kinda felt as if she was marking her territory rather than trying to enjoy herself with me. Once we left there was no closeness at all. Got home and bed. So Saturday I typed up this rant about how often I see this sort of thing, where spouses are virtually begging for attention from their significant other and basically being ignored. How often this goes on and how often I try to do for my wife to meet her needs, how damned painful it is. I was out on Saturday night taking my sons to a school skating function and took another kid with me. I go to drop him off and his mom is basically clamoring to talk to another person, her husband is out to ‘an all-night bachelor party’ and she is all talkative and almost imposing herself between me and the door. I got the phuck out of there as fast as I could. I won’t be another woman’s shoulder to cry on, nor get in the middle of anything like that. Marriage should not be so damned one sided.
So here I was, bitching that my wife joined me to go drinking and dancing and overall having a good time (really, it was a great time…she later admitted many times she enjoyed herself ‘too much’ cause her legs were sore from all the ‘fun dancing’) Me mindreading about something like that was pretty ignorant. Truth is she doesn’t like dancing cause she is not good at it and feels self-conscious. I am TERRIBLE at dancing and could care less what other think, so I don’t put myself in her shoes before I thought about it. Then I went on to complain about sh!t that is obvious to everyone here…preaching to the choir. Also, it felt kind of self-righteous. So I deleted the thread before I hit the post button.}
Those are big reasons why I’ve deleted posts. Maybe this is not the best way to handle things. I do get them off my chest.
You don't need to reply to that. It is just food for thought
I'll also remind you of a Cadet basic: you did not break her, you cannot fix her. This is so very true for your wife. I'll leave more atuned posters talk about the specifics. But ultimately she will have to want to fix her issues.
The frustration is normal. But you answered it yourself. What can you do to change your focus and bring it back to YOU?I will tell you something you know is true but we all could do with being reminded from time to time. Whatever you put your focus on is what you get more of. So if you focus on problems, you get problems. You focus on negative thoughts you get more.
It is good to inform yourself about what you ate facing or more correctly what your wife is going through and why. Knowledge is power and can help determine the best course of action. BUT dwell too much on it and it'll bring you down. I am not saying drop it but it should not be your main focus.
There is so much that I need to learn about still. There just are not that many places that discuss this topic, Childhood Sexual Abuse, let alone the affects it has on the spouses of the survivors. I have to keep looking (yes I pick at scabs too).
I cannot force my wife to go to treatment. Certainly though I can work on understanding what sorts of physical and emotional scars are there and how to avoid triggers for future. There are so many of these husbands for instance that are treated as rapists by their wives, as if they were the men who abused them all those years before. We have certainly seen this here, where wives have actually accused their husbands of such violations, unjustly. Obviously we are seeing only a single side of the story here, but the commonality is just too large to just ignore it outright as a possibility that is what is going on. I am trying to understand, as we would MLC behavior, some of the issues a Spouse of Abuse Survivor might face.
Write a list of everything you are grateful for. Take time and do a great big list. Include W/R stuff but also everything else. Then daily take a few minutes to focus on stuff that day you are grateful for. If appropriate show appreciation where possible. A simple thank you or more. This helps to think more positively.
The gratitude journal is a great way to get a nice perspective of things. I’ve even worked with my children with a similar tool. Gratitude and victories to help with self-confidence and awareness that they are truly wonderful!
I even, before bed most nights go back and forth with wife with thank-you’s and gratefuls. She does this willingly and often times starts out. I love the feeling of being appreciated, who doesn’t. is this emotion derived from vanity or is it part of who we are. Maybe a different topic for a different day.
GAL I don't need to mention, but what have you tried new lately? Early on you were inspirational with your GAL activities and always trying something new, even new meals etc. Maybe you still do that. If not put on your thinking cap.
My GAL has slowed. I am still trying to maintain some semblance of ‘adventure’ with new things. It may not be every week, but a few times a month is a minimum. I have also slowed on my gym – exercise since we were all sick / under the weather & over booked with sports, clubs and activities with the kids for a couple of weeks and it has been hard ramping things back up.
I am planning on going swimming tonight after my first Community Engagement Meeting with the school district. It is the first presentation to the community that we have been working on for the School Board Facilities things I've been going to meeting for. Fingers crossed.
Wednesday is Wrestling meet for both boys, Thursday is boy's soccer game and then gym visit. I have a gaming group coming over on Friday and I have another on Saturday after the boy’s science club outing that I volunteered for. I am going to go shooting with some guys on Sunday…so I hope that will help putting things back into a little better groove...re-energizing my GAL schedule 
Go finish your basement. That will make you proud once achieved. Wish I could give you a hand but I have a bathroom and other slow projects to finish myself.
Best of luck mate.
Roiste, THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP!
It does seem like when I do get into a funk or a rutt, I am not help to anyone so I don't post. I apologize to all of you for that. I need to right my ship here and get back to a better heading...spring is coming!!!
