Hi everyone. I'm back. Pretty crummy weekend. I'm going to just write out some things, I guess journaling.
For starters, I'm in North Carolina. It appears (after a very quick google search) to be one of those states that legally allows the recording of some conversations at least where there is consent given by only 1 person. But, I'm not at that step just yet, though I fully recognize the potential benefit. When I say I'm not at that step yet, I could very well be by this afternoon, depending on how I feel. Any and all feedback on this post will potentially help me make a fully informed decision. See my comments above. If you're heated, do nothing. If you're sad, do nothing. Act on logic.
That being said, back to last week. So earlier in the week (possibly the weekend prior) the WW asked me to add to my upcoming 4 day schedule (Wed-Sat) of keeping the kids, the additional days of Mon and Tues because she was going to be out of town for work. I agreed. She asked if I needed to exchange days because the additional days would 'be a hassle for me' and I declined.
Then Friday's event unfolded. She says she wants to discuss the schedule. Not saying she wants to re-negotiate or anything like that. But clearly once she is on the phone her sole intention for calling is to get me to give up Friday and Saturday after adding the Monday and Tuesday. This seems like mind reading. But if youre worried about scheduling issues, why not document them all in emails? Thats what Ive started doing.
I was very reluctant because my understanding from a lawyer is that the custody/child support situation is based (in NC) on how many nights the kids stay with each parent. Our arrangement currently is (every 2 weeks: me 6 days, her 8 days). So, I'm always wanting to try to get additional nights to get closer to that 50% margin. I dont really know think thats a great way to think about it. Yes, it's based on the overnights, so I expect you are paying to her some due to the disparity. But the number is fixed. I doubt you are going to take her to court to change it if they spend 160 nights with you instead of 156...you'll probably pay more in lawyer fees than youd get back.
She was very combative and difficult and lots of yelling ensued and I ended up hanging up the phone. So what did you learn? How will you change this interaction next time?
Also, you are labeling her in this way. How do you think she felt you were acting? And then hanging up on her...I presume that it wasnt in a calm way...
The following day she sends text stating that I needed to let her know and that a non-response is an affirmative response. She also finally revealed her true intentions. She has plans with her cousin this weekend coming up and wants the kids with her then so they can visit. It has to be this weekend coming up because her cousin is leaving to move to Japan very soon. Yeah, usually theres some ulterior motive. But in this case, what is best for the kids?
Ultimately, I relented and said its fine, via text only. But I told her I didn't appreciate her lack of honesty regarding her intentions, to which she of course replied "I was 100% honest." Blech. Why say this? She doesnt OWE you anything. What real difference does it make what she is doing with the kids on her time with them? And she did tell you what she was going to do with them. So what exactly did you want her to do? Say it straight out? Why does it matter to you?
Fast forward to this morning. So, she told me she was going to drop the kids off to me this morning around 8-8:30am via text on Saturday. This morning I get a call from our D(15) at about 8am saying they are on the way and that there is a letter I need to recieve from my WW, and that there are two other girls in our car from a sleepover and that my WW won't be coming up to the apt. I said fine, see you in a bit. Then texted my WW to not use our children as a conduit for communication about their parents divorce. OK. What? That whatever this letter is couldnt be sent with the kids? She has to hand deliver it to you? Your D is 15....it doesnt seem that unreasonable for her to call you to say those things.
Here's a fun string of texts:
Me: Our children are not supposed to be the conduit for communication in their parents divorce.
WW: I was driving. I told you about this last week, remember? Check S(9)'s coat for the envelope.
Me: You are missing the point of protecting your children from yourself, but whatever. Huh? I can guess what you mean....But what are you saying this to her for?
WW: What on earth are you talking about?
Me: Exactly. Hmmmmm. This just seems rude. I also dont know what youre really talking about.
WW: You're the one who won't even speak to me. You're going crazy.
WW: You need to protect the kids from yourself.
WW: I'm doing fine.
Me: Why would I talk to you? You've had or are having at least one affair, you're actively seeking other men to date, you've told me you don't love me, you requested space for at least 6 additional months, not to mention you're treatment towards me personally and your inability to be honest about your intentions and actions. You HAVE to talk to her, because you are both parents of the kids. You dont have to be FRIENDS with her. But if theres something about the kids, you cant just ignore her. This is so arbitrarily angry and judgmental that I cant see what your 'angle' here is. It sounds like you were so angry about the day before that you are taking it out on her here.
WW: Harsh, and I'm not having an affair and NEVER cheated on you.
Me: How is that harsh? It is simply factual. And an affair is by definition cheating. Your definition and her definition of these words are different. Why are you bothering trying to convince her of yours? Why argue on the technicality of the words 'affair' and 'cheat'?
Honestly, I side with her in this case. You started this conversation about, what, exactly? Your D didnt say anything about the divorce....
I completely echo all that Fogg wrote.
So...lots of love. I know, I'm doing a terrible job at detaching (meaning leaving myself unaffected by her actions) but I'm just really starting to flat out get angry with her. Yes, I think that is clear.
She dropped off our 3 children this morning to their father's apartment while having 2 11 year old friends of our D(11) in the car! I asked my daughter about it after an hour or so. "Did that bother you getting dropped off here with them in the car?" Her, "Well...yeah, kinda it did. I thought they were going to get dropped off first." Yes. I can understand it's a little weird. But 11 year olds these days have likely been around divorce. I wouldnt necessarily have gone out of my way to drop the other kids off first if I didnt have to.
And by you ASKING her if it bothers her, it brings it to her mind that it MIGHT or SHOULD bother her. It's kind of like leading the witness...by asking about it, it gives her the idea that you think it was weird. So, who knows. Next time, see if you can let her articulate her feelings.
Then, my oldest daughter...oh yeah, Dad, I need to get a composition notebook and 100 notecards by tomorrow for school. (This is immediately following being with my WW for 3 days) Me: "Oh, okay. Mommy didn't get those for you?" D(15) "She told me to tell you to get them. She's told me to talk to you about everything, even my follow up appointment for my retainer she said you should schedule it, and that you should buy my homecoming dance ticket."
I mean...my wife is just freakin checking out being a parent, and that makes me angry too. Agree that this is not great. How can you be the best dad possible? Instead of getting angry at WW, why not use it to spend extra time with D15?
So, I don't know where I am right now. I mean, at this point, if she were to even begin to show interest in our marriage again I don't even know how I would feel about that. She is hurting me. She is hurting our children. And she is doing it all feeling 100% completely justified and without any visible remorse. Hopefully, you can see that a lot of this pain is self-inflicted. Why dont you work on worrying less about her and more about you? THEN see 'where you are'.
We talk about children ya know, and how smart they are, and what they pick up on. Well, I've been talking to my kids about me getting a bigger place, potentially a 3 bedroom townhouse. My D(11) asked me about it again this morning, asked if I had visited any new places. (I let them come with me to visit one the other day because I wanted them to feel comfortable with what I choose and don't want to just be like oh hey this is where you'll be calling home now when you are with me.) So, I told her no I hadn't seen any new ones in the past few days. (This weekend I texted my WW to let me know how long she would remain in NC because I needed to be able to make decisions about signing a new lease. Her response was vague and ineffectual Im not sure exactly. How was your question? Did it leave openings for vagueness? Shouldnt the schedule have already been basically fixed? How can you become more independent?
except for when she asked if I wanted to move to LA with D(15) so our daughter could finish high school where the WW went!) So, I asked out loud to all the kids if there had been any talk from mom about moving or anything like that. D(15) responds, "Yeah, I asked her about it last night, and said its been 4 months, isn't this supposed to be ending now? But mom just said she didn't know." At which point D(11) "Its not ending, its forever". What was that about not using the kids as a conduit for divorce information?
Man, that just crushed me. They know. They can see it. These poor kids, they didn't ask for this. I know I've been a bad husband, been selfish, been a drunk, I know I have a part in this failed marriage. And it makes me so sad that my kids have to bear this for the rest of their lives.
But...well...one day at a time right. Be not afraid.
I'm going to love my kids as much as I can, and build me into a man that is going to be more amazing than I've ever been. The future is bright for B! And through my rising, my children will be lifted. Alright. So the next step is....HOW?
That's the plan. Regardless of that woman does.
I feel somewhat better now. There was a lot that happened that I've left out, but most of it was just more nitpicky, complaining and lying from my WW. But, its good to get it out of my head and let you all take it from me.
I need to do some actual work now, but I'll be back later.
