You know my stance. Your wife hasn't been physically abusive or committed adultery to the best of your knowledge. You went through the roughest patch of your marriage and separated because it wasn't working well for either of you. She has filed D but hasn't finalized.
To me it seems pretty clear- you are married. Maybe someday this will change, the D will be final, she will be in an other relationship, etc. Right now though this looks like the 'for worse' part of a marriage. I suggest you treat it that way. And while GAL and detachment are key, the talk of slamming the D shut so you can start looking for another partner while going through a tough period of your marriage is disturbing to me.
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Lastly, all of the men in my group this weekend told me to pull the plug myself. That keeping this legal attachment to her was a tie I didn't need on this upcoming journey. That a clean break would allow for me to heal next year and get on with my life, and love life.
I'm sure these are really good men, but this just pisses me off. Anymore I don't hear the sales pitch behind why divorce is ok. I hear either a vote for marriage, or a vote for divorce. These people can spin it how they want to spin it, but they are voting for divorce. Seriously, what is wrong with people? Get a divorce so we can rebound and avoid some confusion and loneliness? Or because we can't guarantee the outcome and that we'll get what we want? Sorry, I'm angry right now, I get myself fired up and this is the perspective that I feel is responsible for the pain every one of us is going through.
I do think this part of your work has to be done alone. You have zero business even considering another partner. It may hurt to come home to your W in another relationship, it may delay the emotional closure to some extent...but would it not hurt more to look back in 10, 20, 30, and 40 years from now, wondering how much different your life could have been if you hadn't jumped the gun on the D? I doubt you'll ever regret standing by your M. I continue to say it, an irreplaceable relationship cannot be replaced, once you replace a relationship you will never have something irreplaceable again. And the work these brave men are doing, it wouldn't surprise me if AW is doing just as much in her own way, so don't give up on the possibility even if there is an emotional cost to doing so.
OK, you've already come to those conclusions...but you will be tempted on your journey, some woman is going to think what you're doing is amazing, and you're going to be lonely, hungry for validation, and she will seem so mature, and deep, and wise, and loving. You'd better decide right now how you'll handle that. Frankly I wouldn't touch any woman that would get involved with a married man with an 11 foot pole, no matter how you spin the situation. But whatever your answer is, now is the time to figure it out. Failing to prepare is preparing to fail and all that.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mostly agree with everything Zues said. I see why you want to move forward with your life and not be tied to W the next year. It's going to be an exciting time and you should enjoy the experience. You can still do that. It might be easier to let go and move on but realize, just like other people in our lives that care for us,those men want you to stop suffering. Being M to W is that suffering and the quickest way(so they think) to get past that is to cut the cord. But that may not be your path.
If you don't believe in D then don't D her. Limbo [censored] but maybe it's exactly where you should be right now. I've faced the same thoughts so I understand but out of suffering comes growth and growth can be amazing. Who knows what else you could learn about yourself staying where you are. I'm lonely also and having my needs met would be great, but again, maybe it's not time for a reason.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
