Not sure why, but been rather emotional for the last week. Starting with feeling really attached last week after being around xw tons. Then hearing rumors, and having a talk with xw. I read an article online about D, and started crying. I feel like there is a struggle going on in me. My head is bouncing from "what can I do to fix this", to "she doesn't want you, walk away!". Sometimes with no pause in between.
I broke down yesterday after xw picked up s7. She has cut her hair and colored it. It looks nice, but she always kept it longer and more natural because I liked it. Doesn't matter why she did it, I took it personally. I need to quit. I need to accept that I have probably lost her forever. I need to quit looking for signs. I will always care for her, but apparently she doesn't care enough to want to fix our family and start a new r. I need to let go.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Sorry you're hurting dday. Everything's going to be alright, I know its not what you want to hear, but you will be ok. What W is doing is about her, not you. It [censored], to say the least.
You have to stop taking what shes doing as personal, as impossible as that may seem. It may not be that she doesn't care, she might just be incapable of caring right now. Shes on what she thinks will be her path to happiness and that's all that matters to her. She likely wont find it, but you never know, not that it matters either ways as it doesn't mean anything to who you are. It just is what it is and its out of your hands. You have your own happiness to find, inside you. Its there, just keep digging and moving forward with you.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
D - I have to tell you something. My H always preferred my hair long and natural, too. Over time, I began to feel smothered by that insistence. I wanted to be an individual, try new things, and I felt like he was attempting to control me - hold me back from being who I wanted to be. It's funny that hair can become an issue - but it did in our M.
Once H found out I felt that way, he told me to do whatever I wanted. He wasn't trying to control me. So, gleefully, I went running out to do something different with my hair. When I came back, though, he was so underwhelmed and non-admiring of my new 'do, that it made me feel really badly...and still controlled.
I'm pointing this out to you, because it's possible your W felt very much the same way. I understand your reaction, too, because of how my H reacted. He just preferred it one way, and I preferred to experiment and try new things. It would have been so much better if he could have supported me. His silent disapproval felt so much like being controlled. I finally got to the point I would do what I wanted with it, without expecting much in return. He took that to mean I didn't care about what he thought.
Examine this feeling, D. He was controlling me - and it was just hair! I just wanted to try new things, and H took it as a personal affront. Has your W ever said she felt controlled by you? Like she had to do what you wanted all the time? It's possible you may have stumbled onto another area that needs to be examined in yourself - not for her.
Anc, I never looked at it that way. I did compliment her on it. It does look cute. Just not the way she has worn it in 10 years. I don't think I have been controlling at all. But one time she told me that I always chose what we did on vacation. I didn't feel that way, we would split trips between mountains and beaches, one for me, one for her.
Once she complained to me about never making a decision. But, that was after bd. And I was mush at that point.
I don't know why that her haircut got to me, other than another sign that she wants to be someone different than she has been the last 14 years or so. She also wears tight jeans now, which I guess is the trendy thing, but not who she was.
I think I am in love with a ghost. I need to get my mind to realize that she isn't that girl I married now, and may never be again.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
She isn't the girl you married. She's grown up. People do change over time, and usually it's a good thing. You wouldn't want to be married to a perpetual 17 year old, would you?
I see the things your W doing as experiments in learning about who she is, and who she wants to be. You see it as evidence that she's growing away from you.
I'm beginning to think she may have felt stifled in her M - not by anything you were doing overtly. She may have felt she wasn't allowed the freedom to explore, try new things, and to grow as an individual.
I can tell from talking to you these past months that it was not your intention - but maybe you were holding her back a little, as far as she was concerned. She may not have perceived that she had the freedom to experiment - she may have felt you wanted her to be the same way forever.
That would stifle anyone. The adult way to deal with this would have been to discuss it. Did she try having talks with you in the past? You mentioned you've changed. Were you controlling? Did you discount her ideas? Did you encourage her to never change?
I don't know - just random thoughts popping into my head. If she's truly immature, running away would have been the answer to feeling stifled and controlled. What do you think?
I feel like she is a rebellious teenager some days. My change was to become depressed and battle it for years and not grow enough. I let depression hold me back. Which probably held her back too. I finally have gotten ic and ad meds working. So I am on the fast track through personal growth. I think my soul is playing catch up. I think between me being an introvert during depression, and a house full of kids, she probably has felt stifled. That is partly on me.
But, she only worked 3 days a week, and did whatever she wanted on the other days. I never intentionally held her from doing anything unless we had no money.
Random thoughts...
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Is there a difference between letting go and giving up? Because I do not want to give up, but I need to figure out how to let her go. I think that is what holds me back, is the fear of giving up on everything.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Dday, for me, because I am convinced that it's really over, I am aiming for indifference. For me, cutting the rope means not having any more feelings for the ex and not loving him from a distance. But who am I kidding?
The way I see it, detaching means self love as well. Loving yourself enough not to shackle yourself to whatever is hurting you. Your expectations of your R with your w is tying you down.
Now that you're not in any relationship, you can make use of the gift of time to work on yourself. Which you already are doing. When you're ready, you may want to get to know other people. You can look at w as someone who has been returned to the dating pool and who can be a potential date for you. But don't hold your breath while waiting for her. Get to know other people because our interactions with others can show us sides of ourselves we may never have noticed.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Interactions with XW are much different in private vs in public. In public, it is scarce now, and quick. In private, we can and do talk for 10 or 15 minutes. Never any bad interactions. I don't understand the duality of it.
I love her and want a future R, but I have way too much riding on that possibility. I need to quit that. She never has shown any remorse or willingness to try. She has shown sadness at the loss of our M, but I think that is normal with anyone. My mind still searches for the magic bullet. I am being a great dad, and I am working on my faults. It's really all I can do, and I need to be ok with that. I still struggle with feeling like I can fix everything someway. I am super emotional right now. It's either a valley on the rollercoaster, or birthing pains. I hope that it is the latter. I will be happy again. I know this. It's just not the way I had hoped and dreamed of.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
