Hey there Jelly - just checking in and really loving the care you are getting here - including the care you are giving yourself. You may consider it navel gazing but really isn't it just trying to figure out the world? I find myself doing this all too often too. The questions you ask about men and time and space are great questions to ask, but I guess it all depends on the man. (sorry to backtrack so far - your thread moved very quickly - that's a lot of care )
Yes U, I have been very fortunate of late to be shown a lot of love and investment. I am very grateful to those that really do care about me and what happens to me. I don't think I have ever experienced such care and love in my life. It is an usual feeling being on the receiving end. I'm awkward with it sometimes. Clumsy even.
I would say that many of the men that I know don't really seem to be interested in giving their wives the time that they want, and seem selfish to me, but there they are still married, and here I am - not so much. I always found myself on the other end of the spectrum and was criticized by my male friends for being too close, not independent enough and more derogatory terms. I laughed it off and thought I knew what I valued and what I didn't need in my life.
I don't know if this is something that I would necessarily change about me, I guess I would fit more into my life. More her, more kids, and mix in more me with that. I don't think changing my priority to all me is what I would do though. Even after this mess, I still would keep the R as the priority. Maybe I am destined to fail.
I would love a man in my life who was prepared to prioritize a relationship with me. I have not had that experience with either Mr M or Mr Ex. But as you said maybe that is not the expectation to have. I always felt that I came after everything. After the cycling, after Mr Ex's daughter, after work, after, after, after.
But anyway - find the love you have for yourself (was there a time that you loved yourself or was proud of yourself? remember those moments and work toward those feelings again). Sure just saying now I love myself may not do the trick, but to build around a time that you actually loved yourself may help. I was reminded of a former me over the weekend by some old friends and it surely helped me focus on at least liking myself again.
I think we have talked about this before U. Loving myself has never been something I have been able to do, liking myself has been a stretch. I think that I have always felt a sense of underachievement in my life so haven't felt worthy of thinking well of myself.
If I am completely honest. I have a list in my head that goes something along the lines of.
1. Fat - fail 2. Virgin till 29 - Fail 3. First relationship and 35, ended - fail 4. Second relationship at 39 ended - fail 5. No marriage - fail 6. No children - fail 7. No home of my own- fail 8. Completely crazy - fail 9. Socially phobic -fail 10. No career progress - fail 11. Financial mediocrity- fail
I run this list over and over in my head to the point that I don't even recognise that I'm doing it anymore. I have read that there are a group of people who find it very hard to engage consciously with their successes and achievements. I don't know why I do it. Likely habit more than anything. Just so practiced at it , that I barely notice it.
I had supervision with my supervisor today. Interesting conversation. She wanted to know how I was going. She reviewed a piece of work that I had completed and she gave me positive feedback on what I had done. Which was nice, as I have been struggling to find a comfortable narrative style for writing my assessments. Its a new tool and I haven't liked not knowing how to do it.
But the interesting part of the conversation related to an observation I had made of myself with an interaction with a colleague. This colleague is incredibly dynamic worker, gets social work practice, but is also onto it strategically. Gets the bigger picture stuff and is a brilliant networker. And she is one of the most upbeat positive spin people I have come across. When talking with her about practice related issues she is always very clear and frames her stuff incredibly well. I guess to sum it all up, I am intimidated by how good she actually is.
My Social Work style is incredibly different. I know my stuff, theory and practice, but I don't have her flare. My style is soft but clear, I am likely far more therapeutically minded. I like the deeper connections both in what I read but also in my applications. More an observer and feeding back to people what I notice.
But here is the point. I was discussing my overall experience of my colleague and my sense of self in relationship to her, and said " I alway feel like the negative nelly, or downer when I'm in a room with S (colleague). I feel like whatever I say is never right or good enough when S is involved in the conversation. My supervisor made to critical observations.
1. This is not a competition JellyB 2. I don't perceive you to be a negative person at all.
So we discussion my tendency to constantly compare myself to others and we discussed that I have a difficult time gaging people's perceptions of me.
I am trying to give up the bad habit of comparison. My supervisor asked where I often put myself. I said always below or less than. We discussed how this was likely contributing to my feelings of my career stalling.
And talked a little about the my sense of people's perceptions. Often that I project my feelings about myself onto others, and assume that they feel as I feel about myself.
We ended the supervision with me explaining that same days it was a challenge being in my head. She laughed.
I am not sure why I shared that with you lovely U.
I miss you when you aren't around. I wish you would stop by more often.
Anyway I will stop by your thread with some light fluff, just to get your thread bumped.
