Thank you both Jelly, and 2l, I appreciate your support.
To be honest the exercise went both ways. One of my deepest fears was that my W was going to leave me, I just never knew when. I felt this way for a number of co dependent reasons, but know I believe partly because I can count on one finger in five years the times I knew my W was "angry" at me. I knew she would be upset if we were fighting, but her own anger would only come out every few years and it would be in the form of a huge outburst of broken household items. I can actually recall thinking "Oh my, she does have emotions other than happy" as our lamp got smashed.
Had we both been able to express it healthily it could have led to significantly more proactive conversations. I don't believe either of us made the space for the other to healthily express any emotions, let alone anger.
Oddly enough, the men in my group also said they trusted me afterwards because although I was angry and screaming and very physical, it wasn't out of control, thrashing rage, which it could have been. There was still a concern for their safety.
Showing anger = building trust = PP's head exploded.
Sincerely,
A Headless PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Later in the week I pass Woofie back to my WAW for the last time in a long time. I'm staying focused on how much I love the little sucker for the few days I still have him. A plethora of meats will be consumed in my house this week, I want him to boycott my WAW's bland foods when he gets back to her.
Tonight's swap was a good one. She looked beautiful and healthy and radiant, which warms my heart no matter what's still between us. I love seeing her shining even if it's without me.
After I got his Eminence situated in my car I asked her if I could share my experience of the weekend and told her how scared two of the men were when I conjured up angry emotions and moved with them. One of the men the next morning reiterated how high his heart rate had gotten and how he had begun sweating without even touching me, all the while knowing intellectually I wasn't going to do anything remotely close to harming him. It was more than enough for me to understand the feelings in my W.
I shared this with her and told her I empathized with how she must have felt. I told her I couldn't go back and change anything but could only do the work that I'm doing to right the future. Her eyes filled up a bit when I said I wanted to acknowledge what her experience had been and even told her how part of me had thought it was only a story she was telling herself to justify her leaving. She thanked me and told me neither of us had the tools we needed to express ourselves properly in our M.
Probably not strict DB'ing but I gave her a kiss on the cheek when we went to hug goodbye. Since she said, "Aww" when I did it, I gave her another one. I'm going to go a year without seeing her so I'm bending the rules a bit.
She joked at how she's gotten more comfortable in our swaps and now doesn't feel the need to take a protective pose (arms crossed in front) when speaking to me. Then we hugged again.
Still no mention of the D. I told her I would be bringing all of Woofie's toys and bed with me next time and this seemed to confuse her. I reiterated that I was gone from that day forward for the year, and she asked if I wanted to keep them all for when I got back. It was odd to me since a year is a long time. I figured she'd want him to have them, but also in my heart, I don't think I'm coming back to the area.
Truly, I'm not sure where my sitch is. I know I'm leaving. I know D is still very much on the table. I don't know if I'm going to get something in the mail (she knows I won't have an address), or if she's in a holding pattern, or waiting for something. I want to ask, but won't because I don't want to push an answer.
Lastly, all of the men in my group this weekend told me to pull the plug myself. That keeping this legal attachment to her was a tie I didn't need on this upcoming journey. That a clean break would allow for me to heal next year and get on with my life, and love life.
It moved me and made me give pause, I had to question whether I'm hiding behind DB'ing and need to honor the part of me that has already moved on and wants to find a Partner (capitalized on purpose), or if what I'm seeing in my WAW is DB'ing at work and to stay the course.
I don't want my WAW in my heart for the next 12 months, but I don't this D either. I see how the changes in my life have effected every area of it. I see how she is different too, just not different in the "let's try to build something incredible that we never had before" different.
Onward either way I guess.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
PP, There is such sweetness to the interactions between you and WAW. What an evolution.
PP you, have never been afraid to let go and let god. You have always trusted yourself and the big G to get you where you needed to be. Your shifts and change has been soulful and heart driven. Why change what has worked so beautifully for you, till now.
Thank you sweet JellyB, you've been just a kind fellow traveler on this journey.
I believe you answered my question of what to do - keep trusting, keep evolving, let the chips fall where they may.
Now that I'm leaving I still feel the pull. What happens if I come back and my W is with someone else (she may be already for all I know)? Will I be more ok with this if we are fully divorced? Am I setting myself up for false hope by her lack of pulling the trigger? Would it be a show of integrity to myself to finish the D as I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me?
The answer to all of the above? Keep trusting, keep evolving, let the chips fall where they may.
It's so challenging to not try to control an aspect of this one way or another. To put a stake in the ground and claim the D and use that as a way to satisfy my ego by saying I got my self esteem to a place where I couldn't have open loops and an undecided spouse in my life - even though it's not what I want ideally.
This weekend I spent the days with other men who were fearless in their pursuit of deepening themselves, of opening their hearts, growing their compassion, relating to their emotions, and cracking themselves wide opening. It was awe inspiring and left me feeling there is work to be done in the world. I'd love a Partner for that work, but perhaps my work for the next year needs to be done alone.
I appreciate your thoughts Jelly, they helped me with my own.
Much love back to you and more,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
PP, you used the word "ideally". If go with what I think I know and sense about you, and watching your journey in quite awe. There is something about you possibility of you "claiming" this divorce, would not ring true for me. Even your words about a Partner for the work, tells me that you still stand for M, you still stand for what is intrinsically beautiful and special about what M is. I think you would not be serving you "ideals" and commitment to yourself well.
I have always said that endings often bring about similar or same emotions and beginnings. Life circles back on itself. It is not surprising that these questions are raised, do I stand or do I not. Do I walk away from this with or without hope. You have your answers PP, you already know who you and where you. Let you knowing of where you been, lead you to where you want to go.
I'm hoping I meet you on the road someday PP. Because I would to look you in the eye and say thank you.
PS: Remember that you may actually discover your Partner, that gorgeous soulful, heart lead, vulnerable women on this amazing new adventure, whoever she may be.
PP - when you go away, will you be able to post here? Or are you taking a break from all of it? I'm so excited for you, for your coming adventure - but selfishly would hate to lose your voice here. I do understand the need to move on and past it, though.
Hi PP. you are an inspiration You've battled demons and won !!!! Your W seems to be thinking and who knows where that will lead
When I saw your last post I was reminded of Grasshopper and snatching the stone from the masters hand. Forgive me if that reference holds no meaning for you but basically it seems you are ready for your new journeys, , all of them
I hope newbies read your posts from day 1 because for me you are a success story , maybe just at the beginning of the success part but a success none the less
