Later in the week I pass Woofie back to my WAW for the last time in a long time. I'm staying focused on how much I love the little sucker for the few days I still have him. A plethora of meats will be consumed in my house this week, I want him to boycott my WAW's bland foods when he gets back to her.
Tonight's swap was a good one. She looked beautiful and healthy and radiant, which warms my heart no matter what's still between us. I love seeing her shining even if it's without me.
After I got his Eminence situated in my car I asked her if I could share my experience of the weekend and told her how scared two of the men were when I conjured up angry emotions and moved with them. One of the men the next morning reiterated how high his heart rate had gotten and how he had begun sweating without even touching me, all the while knowing intellectually I wasn't going to do anything remotely close to harming him. It was more than enough for me to understand the feelings in my W.
I shared this with her and told her I empathized with how she must have felt. I told her I couldn't go back and change anything but could only do the work that I'm doing to right the future. Her eyes filled up a bit when I said I wanted to acknowledge what her experience had been and even told her how part of me had thought it was only a story she was telling herself to justify her leaving. She thanked me and told me neither of us had the tools we needed to express ourselves properly in our M.
Probably not strict DB'ing but I gave her a kiss on the cheek when we went to hug goodbye. Since she said, "Aww" when I did it, I gave her another one. I'm going to go a year without seeing her so I'm bending the rules a bit.
She joked at how she's gotten more comfortable in our swaps and now doesn't feel the need to take a protective pose (arms crossed in front) when speaking to me. Then we hugged again.
Still no mention of the D. I told her I would be bringing all of Woofie's toys and bed with me next time and this seemed to confuse her. I reiterated that I was gone from that day forward for the year, and she asked if I wanted to keep them all for when I got back. It was odd to me since a year is a long time. I figured she'd want him to have them, but also in my heart, I don't think I'm coming back to the area.
Truly, I'm not sure where my sitch is. I know I'm leaving. I know D is still very much on the table. I don't know if I'm going to get something in the mail (she knows I won't have an address), or if she's in a holding pattern, or waiting for something. I want to ask, but won't because I don't want to push an answer.
Lastly, all of the men in my group this weekend told me to pull the plug myself. That keeping this legal attachment to her was a tie I didn't need on this upcoming journey. That a clean break would allow for me to heal next year and get on with my life, and love life.
It moved me and made me give pause, I had to question whether I'm hiding behind DB'ing and need to honor the part of me that has already moved on and wants to find a Partner (capitalized on purpose), or if what I'm seeing in my WAW is DB'ing at work and to stay the course.
I don't want my WAW in my heart for the next 12 months, but I don't this D either. I see how the changes in my life have effected every area of it. I see how she is different too, just not different in the "let's try to build something incredible that we never had before" different.
Onward either way I guess.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
