I want to run into her. That's the problem. This has all been so odd. For 2 months she tried to decide which one of us to pick. Then she chose the OW. But then she said she has "major concerns" about OW. And she still loves me. Or so she said. Now no contact. I just don't know where we stand and it's making me nervous. The prevailing sentiment is just move on and GAL. But I keep thinking of her all the time.
I don't know if I'm just stubborn or what, but I am having such trouble moving on. I still feel a deep connection to her. I don't know if I'm deluding myself or what. I need a long term strategy. Any vets out there who can show me the road? I know it's what I said above... move on and GAL. But my goal is to reconcile. What do I do?????
NYGal, it's like we are in the same place! I am also having a hard time breaking the connection that I feel for him. Pretty sure he's not sitting around feeling connected to me! I also want to run into him, but he's never anywhere. I NEVER see him. That's why I drive by, at least for a moment, I feel like he's close. I know how stupid and pathetic that sounds, but it's how I honestly feel. He doesn't know that I'm doing it because it's when he would be asleep. I am trying to stop doing it though. I really need to move on for myself. If he wants to join me, he knows where I am. That's just so much easier said than done though.
My goal is also to reconcile with H. As everyone on here knows, I am no master DBer, and have made many mistakes along this painful road. Perhaps you can learn something from my errors. DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT THEY SAY AND ONLY HALF OF WHAT THEY DO! Don't forget that, it's actually true!! They are confused and don't know what they want. Remember Dec 20th when I was SO excited because after 5 weeks of NC, I went to Hs house and he was SO HAPPY to see me. I had done so well at NC that H actually thought I was gone and was never coming back, and that I had moved on with my own life without him. That night he apologized repeatedly and told me he wanted our marriage to work. He said he was going to tell OW that it was over. He did just that. The very next day he broke it off with her and appeared to be recommitted to US. I was SOOOOOO happy and as a complete idiot, I jumped right back in with both feet. Things were great for 12 days and then he did an about face and pulled the rug right out from under me again. WTF?!! He said he was sorry, but had come to the realization that things hadn't changed at all and he didn't want to see me anymore...just wasn't going to work out. It took about another week before he started talking to OW again, but they are hot and heavy again. The DB thing was WORKING, but I didn't give it a chance. Now I'm right back where I started. If you continue to try to run into her and persue her, show her your feelings, etc, she KNOWS that you are waiting for her. If you really want to reconcile, she has to honestly think you're gone. The problem with that is that it is so painful for you to do unless you actually disconnect from them and move on. I am trying that now and am afraid that when it happens, he will want to come back and I will no longer be here for him. That scares me. Just take a deep breath, relax and trust the process. One of two things will happen. You will either be successful in drawing her back to you and will reconcile, or you will be successful in GAL and moving on and will find happiness elsewhere as a stronger and better you. Either way, YOU win. I'm scared too, but we can do this together. Just trust the process, that's what I'm trying to do.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I want to run into her. That's the problem. This has all been so odd. For 2 months she tried to decide which one of us to pick. Then she chose the OW. A couple things: 1) Its OK to want to run into her. Theres tons of things we all WANT to do. The question is whether doing those things helps us get to our goals. Right now, you're an emotional roller coaster. Why do you want her to see that? Wouldnt you rather get your life back under control, reemerge as a happy, whole, confident human being and THEN see her? Why let her watch your work in progress?
2) You seem to be taking it very personally that she "chose" OW over you. Try to remember that it is not a decision on which person she likes more, or is more compatible with, or is more attractive. You probably never had a chance of "beating" OW. ESPECIALLY not if you reacted in the way I did - clingy, pleading, crying, etc. Its as much about the secrecy and excitement of the affair as it is about OW.
But then she said she has "major concerns" about OW. And she still loves me. Or so she said. Now no contact. I just don't know where we stand and it's making me nervous. What if she never said any of those things? Then where would you stand?
Hint: thats where you stand.
The prevailing sentiment is just move on and GAL. But I keep thinking of her all the time. Who's telling you to "move on"? I think Ive said, live your life as if she isnt coming, but keep hope alive that she will. That certainly does not mean to start looking for a new partner. Not while you still are hoping to reconcile with W.
I don't know if I'm just stubborn or what, but I am having such trouble moving on. I still feel a deep connection to her. I don't know if I'm deluding myself or what. I need a long term strategy. See above. Let her have the space to live life without you. Take this opportunity to blossom into NYG 2.0.
Any vets out there who can show me the road? I know it's what I said above... move on and GAL. But my goal is to reconcile. What do I do????? Nothing you can do will force or convince her to come back. That decision is up to her.
So, instead, why dont you work to rebuild you into NYGal 2.0?
Heres an exercise that helped me (props to CaliGuy for the idea): Make three lists of 10 items each - 1) things you like about yourself 2) things you dont like about yourself 3) things you admire in other women
Then, think about how to take items from lists 2 and 3 and scoot them over to list 1. Instead of 10-10-10, can you get your lists to 30-0-0? What steps do you need to take to start doing that?
Think about what that NYGal will look like once those 20 things are upgraded!
Yes, yes and yes. Thank you both. MB, I do remember what happened to you on December 20th. I commented on it in my post and others. I thought it was a Christmas miracle and I was soooooo happy for you! I have to think it means there is still hope for you to reconcile again. You're right, either they come back to us, or we find a better life. Azzork, I'm going to make that list and work on upgrading to #1.
These two posts were just what I needed to read this morning. Thank you both.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYGal, I'm reminded this morning of several questions my DB coach would ask me.
How is the current strategy working and how long have you been implementing it? If it's working what evidence do you have that it is working? If it's a new strategy give it time and what evidence will you need to see in order to know it's working? If it's not working and you've given it time what other strategy could you implement?
Do not change a strategy that is working unless it stops working.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
gs9, you raise good points. I don't know what is working and what is not working because we have NC since a few brief texts on Friday about when I would be out of our house so she could come back home. I know I was begging, pleading, crying and pursuing, so I know that wasn't working, especially at the end. She was calling me as recently as a week ago, and I was always thrilled at the sound of her voice. But now that I'm out of the house, I think there is no choice but NC. I was going to go to yoga today, knowing that she might be there, and instead had lunch with a friend. I think that's a good strategy.
In a little bit I'm going to go see a movie w a friend. And the friend's partner saw W yesterday. I may get some information on what W's thinking. That may help. Or maybe it won't. I'm a little scared, since I don't want bad news right before I sit in a movie for 3 hours.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I have been crying for 4 hours. Cried through The Reverant, and had to leave toward the end. There was also a crazy guy just behind us, who started to mutter and say crazy stuff so we left. It was NOT the movie to see on a down day. Very, very dark. My friend told me that W is (no surprises there) still seeing OW, but that OW "doesn't want to meet W's friends yet." Tee hee. Gee, the up-until-now straight woman doesn't want to be "out" yet? Awwww, poor girl. She doesn't want to be the new big dyk@ on campus? Awww, poor thing. I'm bitter and mean and crazed right now. I am fighting the urge to call W and tell her she's a fool and has made the biggest mistake of her life. I would have rammed her car if I saw them. I am not doing well at all right now. It's not pretty. I am sick and I am tired and I am struggling to stay positive. I want to throw things. I did my one hour of exercise today, but I've been indulging in a crying jag that won't quit. Right now I think I hate her. Then I miss her. Then I hate myself. Then I just want to disappear. But I won't. I'll keep fighting. For myself and for my life. A new life. But it's just so hard. So very very hard. Can't I please just text her and say scr#w you?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Gmum, I think we are both dealing with lame OW. But they still have managed to mess with our lives. I guess that makes our SO's the lame ones, but yes, we still want them back. I do so appreciate your understanding. I think what's wrong with us is that we can't believe our stupid SO's, the people we trusted and loved and were loyal to, could turn into these monsters and hurt US. Because we certainly don't deserve this.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYGal, DO NOT REACH OUT TO HER. She has left and if she wants you back she'll have to come get you. And don't take her back right away. Leave the door open but she will need to win you back. Do not show up places you know she will be. When she doesn't hear from you or see you she will wonder. She can't help but wonder. Be mysterious. Take this gift of time to work on you and not to have to worry about the needs of another. This can be a great time of self improvement and self reflection. It is a gift.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
Hi NYGal, I was just thinking of catching the Revenant but thought I should wait till my hairy situation improves before going into a cinema.
These WAS and OW are addictive. But I totally agree with Azzork. Going dim/NC is a way for us to work on ourselves till we can show the WAS a new and improved versions of us. Letting them see the work in progress may just justify their reasons for leaving us.
As for your text, agree with gmum that you shouldnt send it. Write it out perhaps and then burn it?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
