I think I agree with you. What I am finding is the key piece of all this is "do what works". Everyone's situation is not the same. Just for the sake of argument, let's say there are 10 types of affair/WAW situations. One may benefit from "keeping home a safe place" and another may need "kick her to the curb".
But ultimately, it comes down to self respect. And if you are being a doormat, and feeling poorly about yourself, who else would be attracted to that. I have found that I have caved too easily whenever I was thrown the bone. When she needed me for something, she became sweet again. Offered me thanks and to give me a hug.
So I am continuing to be nice from a distance but totally moving on with my life and doing what I want to do. I am even suggesting ways she can move out and working on agreements we need to have in place. Let her go without the expectation she will be back. I may find someone else in time, or she may face her issues and ask to try again, it really shouldn't matter. Just look at what I have to do for myself today. I want to get to the point where it doesn't keep hurting.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
I dropped the rope and was actually cold and firm. Started having as little interaction as possible. I does feel better to take control back of your life and not buy into their narrative. She got upset at first and I kept it up. I was nice when it was warranted, but stopped accepting BS as fact and would call her on it.
Then there was a bomb drop for her, consequences for her actions as well as exaggerations and lies about her. I chose to help her and shut down a rumor when someone approached me. I could have just said, "why yes, she is a cheating whore" In any case, she completely changed and it was a chance to connect. Not sure where it is going, but I am going to continue down the LRT path anyway and see what happens. I will only validate or talk if she initiates and wants someone to listen. I don't want to take a small positive connection and pursue because of it.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Very interesting. I think that is the hardest part and the one I worry about handling the right way the most, is what to do when they start trying to connect with you again.
I've certainly noticed the pattern of testing and I've also noticed the times where in the past I would have been drawn in. Something as simple as lingering in their presence. It's such a simple thing that you would do with any acquaintance that you enjoy spending time with but with a person in their situation it is completely different. I've found it helps immensely to maintain a degree of power and certainty by making sure interactions always end on my terms (one of the rules). Such a simple thing and helps to protect yourself which I think is the #1 priority.
Good luck in the days to come. Cautious distance will always be your friend. That being said what you did standing up against a damaging rumor is a wise move. It truly makes you the lighthouse, standing on your principles and being a safe place from a distance (no betrayal).
H-36 W-34 T-11 M-9 Daughter-8 Bomb 1st - 2011, 2nd 2015 Same OM Separated Aug 2015 (same house, separate suite)
Hey Flight, you asked a good question on another post and I responded with my VP. I wanted to copy it here on your thread. I have actually intended to comment on this very subject, but I don't think I ever did, not sure.
Quote:
We talk a lot abuot respect and lack thereof. I am curious how one can explain having "respect" for the affair partner. This person didn't respect their marriage, the marriage of the person they are cheating with, or their families. How can they respect that person and therefore be attracted to them?
She doesn't respect the AP as a H or family man. There is something about him that is attractive to her basic female being. In my own case, the OM was not as good looking as my H, but I was attracted to his "power" (or what I saw as being powerful). He seem to be everything my H wasn't at that time........and especially the areas I had lost respect for my H as a man.
Whereas M is built on respect, trust, and love.........affairs are built on the taboo of desire and sexual pleasures outside the boundaries of M, selfishness, unmet needs, secrets, unfaithfulness, high emotions, jealousy, and especially fantasy. It is not a matter of respect, b/c it isn't real love, it's fake. In the stories that described the OM, the WW usually chooses "down" from her H, instead of choosing a man that would be an improvement. So, how could she really respect OM? The "fog" and the mindset of the WW, amazingly, covers up a lot. When I started coming out of the fog, I could see OM more clearly for what he was, instead of being what I wanted him to be.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So are you saying the other man might be.... oh I don't know... say a convicted felon and the WW would be perfectly OK with that?? (not that I know 100% that is the case but I am pretty sure)
Pinn, no I didn't mean that......however, it certainly is possible when dealing with affairs. When I was getting counseling from some great board members, I was told of some true experiences where the OM did not step out of the picture quietly. Some showed up at the WW's work place, made threatening calls of suicide, harrassment, some stalked the WW, and some even threaten to reveal things to family and friends that wasn't aware of the A (which doesn't make sense, but shows how crazy OM was).
It scared the mess out of me! If there was any hint of fog hanging around my head, I think that piece of information helped to clear up my thinking. However, in the beginning of my A, I probably would have dismissed it and said something like, "Oh, not my OM, he would never do something like that".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Pinn, no I didn't mean that......however, it certainly is possible when dealing with affairs. When I was getting counseling from some great board members, I was told of some true experiences where the OM did not step out of the picture quietly. Some showed up at the WW's work place, made threatening calls of suicide, harrassment, some stalked the WW, and some even threaten to reveal things to family and friends that wasn't aware of the A (which doesn't make sense, but shows how crazy OM was).
It scared the mess out of me! If there was any hint of fog hanging around my head, I think that piece of information helped to clear up my thinking. However, in the beginning of my A, I probably would have dismissed it and said something like, "Oh, not my OM, he would never do something like that".
I know Sandi.. I was just pointing how thick that 'fog' can be. Those stories above are actually exactly what I am afraid of in my case.
Well, we had small "connections" over the holidays and then something happened and I guess I surprised her by standing up for her with someone spreading rumors. I could have agreed with them, they are mostly true, but I wanted to defend her honor at that moment. WW found out and was moved. It was the first honest conversation we have had in months and she hugged me. I mean she told me things at a deep, intimate level she hasn't shared in a long, long time. I don't know if it is going to make a difference.
We talked again and she admitted it makes her think but that she still doesn't see how she can fall in love with me again. She would be getting back together for the wrong reasons. So what "works" seems to be finding ways to make a connection. That is when she questions if the right choice is divorce and relates to me normally. On the other hand, I am wanting to be tougher, but the only place left to go is telling the kids and putting the house up for sale. That is a pretty serious move. Not sure if I have to take it that far. If I wait, it will just look like I am stalling.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
You are stuck b/c you choose to believe whatever your W says to be truth. Listen when a woman wants out of a M, she will say anything to the H. She wants out. She will lie, bully, and whatever else it takes to make you let her go. Understand? She will lie about her feelings, about the past, and about you.
So what's the answer if this applies to my situation? I think I know my W and do believe she won't look back. There is a pattern that leads me to believe this, but then again, anything is possible. She seems to believe it really is over and the EA was just bad timing. She would have been gone no matter what. And when she leaves, it will mean selling the house, or at best, me buying her out and her buying a house. That is then a LOT of investment in a new life. Doesn't seem likely to give that up and come back.
So do I let her go and encourage her to sign papers and put the for sale sign in the yard and see what happens? Also, this would involve telling our D, so that bridge would be burned too.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
In any case, she completely changed and it was a chance to connect. Not sure where it is going, but I am going to continue down the LRT path anyway and see what happens. I will only validate or talk if she initiates and wants someone to listen. I don't want to take a small positive connection and pursue because of it.