Newcomer looking for some feedback

[Zues126]

Thanks for sharing. Keep posting. This is a good home.

I'm having a hard time getting my head around this

To be clear, the reasons I have stayed this long are out of commitment to my marriage and commitment to my son to give him the very best life I can. I would have done anything for my husband and the marriage when I believed we were both in it for life

followed by this

I want to tell him that I am ready to either work on our relationship, or to be open to other relationships. I dunno. I'm just kind of in one of those spots right now, either with lots of PMA and lots of goodness in my life. It's hard right now to see why I should keep something so negative in my life when it seems like I have been feeding it lopsidedly for years anyway.

So you are all about staying committed to marriage as long as it lives up to your expectations. Got it. So if you left the marriage now it would be based on what exactly? Not adultery? Not abuse? But that you no longer believed he was in for life? Although he hasn't filed for divorce, has told you he loved you as recently as 3 weeks ago, has been open to discussion on topics like counseling, and is dealing with a health crisis/financial crisis/sobriety crisis and is at his absolute worst? But now is the time you are ready to lob out ultimatums?

And what's this talk about being open to other relationships? Do you already have your next partner picked out?

Personally I believe you should stand by your M, stay through the 'for worse', and achieve the lifelong commitment you say you wanted. And if, if by chance this isn't possible, and sometime in the next year a D is filed, I would suggest you avoid other men for a minimum of 1 year after the divorce has been finalized.

I get the difficulty of the situation. The fear of the unknown. The pain of not having your needs met. The frustration and anger at your partner who's actions seem to be creating this difficulty. The longing for intimacy and emotional support. I get all of that. I get that marriages 'shouldn't be this hard', and 'shouldn't have months where you're not living together'. But they do. This board has proven they do. The divorce rate is 60% and of the remainder many go through adversity like this. So now that you know marriage doesn't work the way you wish it did, what do you want to do from here? Keep in mind that when you are talking about exploring other relationships you are comparing your relationship at it's worst with a fantasy of what you hope to find elsewhere.

What do you consider to be reasonable cause to file divorce?

Not trying to pick a fight on your first day when you need some good support. Just trying to understand where you're at right now, and if you're the type of person that operates off of beliefs or feelings.

That all said, if you're just venting your pain I get it. I recognize that you've been nothing but committed to this point, and you've worked on you, and have not acted on these feelings. So if you're just blowing off steam I totally understand. Just trying to get it.

Also...what does H say is the reason he can't live with you anymore? That's pretty important and I couldn't see anything in here that talks to your contributions to the breakdown of the marriage beyond working a lot for 9 months.