Peace, Happiness and a New Year

[mleigh4]

I don't think I have gone too much into detail about my relationship with my mom. It is pretty toxic, has been since I became a teenager. I always knew she was a bit "off" emotionally, it was just her and I. No dad or siblings. She became very emotionally dependant on me, and as I continued to grow up and pull away, it got worse. There was a lot of verbal abuse, telling me I was a bad person, a bad daughter, pretty much no good. It continues to this day.

I have tried hard to maintain some sort of relationship with her. She has always been a pot smoker, at 67 she is retired, overweight, has OCD, no friends, hoards, no male relationship for over 20 years, no hobbies or activities, does not leave the house. She has even started having groceries delivered, says her back hurts too much to drive. Her house is filthy and filled with crap. She stopped taking care of herself and her home about 20 years ago. She is on numerous medications.

It all has taken a toll on my relationship with her and how I feel towards her. Shortly after BD, I started working on the guilt and anger I have towards my mom, in hopes to help my self esteem. I finally accepted that she is certainly not my dream mom, but she has done her best and did a good job taking care of me and raising a good person. I also accepted that in the same way, I can only give back so much, feel so much for her. I too am doing my best. I just can't stand seeing someone let themselves go, and not do anything about it. I have suggested hobbies, exercise, pets....she always has an excuse.

She continues to pester me, asking why I dislike her so much, why am I so mean to her, why dont I ever visit her. To her, it is all my fault she rarely sees my son. I have told her the above, over and over again. I tell her, we are best keeping it simple. She analyzes, pokes and prods, then attacks and spews when she doesn't hear what she wants to hear.

This brings me to today. She started in, sobbing that I hate her and am so mean to her. I calmly try to explain and she starts yelling at me, so I hung up. I am not proud of this, but I took it a step further. I blocked her number, otherwise, she will call over and over. I do not intend to spend my holiday off with her harassment.

A couple of hours later, H texts me asking if everything is ok. He said my mom called him, but he was talking with a client, so before calling her back he wanted to make sure there was no emergency. I told him everything is fine. He knows how my mom is, he has had it out with her himself. So I told him I blocked her number and that he may want to also. I apologized for her calling him. He said he was really glad he did not call her back and assured me that her calling him is not my fault.

I know my mom obviously has emotional issues, I am not proud of how I feel towards her. However, I can't help someone who doesn't help themselves. And I will not allow her toxic behavior into my world any longer. I set that boundary with her when my son was born, when I realized so many unhealthy behaviors with her, things I could never imagine throwing at my child.

DB'ing has helped me greatly during these times. In relation to H, I also have seen the flip side of pushing someone to feel something they don't, pushing someone to have deep talks when they don't want to, how respecting someone's space is crucial to a relationship. I see how much damage can be done by not being able to accept a situation as it is. I see what makes that situation worse and what makes it better. It certainly can change, but really depends on how you handle yourself and how you treat that person. My relationship with my mother has been a huge eye opener with how I relate to H during this crisis.

I am not sure what to do about my mom...but in a way, it has helped me to accept so many of the issues with H that I can not control.