I know none of you have The Answers, and I'm sorry my first post was a little desperate. We have some very concrete things going on that demand a certain pace, like we have started the debt default/possible bankruptcy process due to the business debt, and his business will be closing. These things require being able to deal with each other, and it's really hard to do DBing at the same time, because the priorities sometimes compete. Like, I could let some things go, and go darker in general (I am already pretty dark), if we didn't have to get back to the debt attorney about something asap, etc. We also have a 2y/o who is living with me full-time, and whom he is visiting in the house every day. I am getting out of the way and out of the house for almost every single one of those, but it's still hard.
I have been as friendly as I possibly can be lately, which I have not managed to do for the entirety of the separation, but I'm working on it. He has put out little bits of interest here and there, but it has always been SO mixed in the past (e.g., saying he wants to move back into the basement for financial reasons and proximity to our son). If I had been full-fledged DB'ing, I might have been able to respond differently/better, but I basically said, your moving out was based on not being able to stand living with me, and moving back in needs to be based on something relevant to that, in the context of a genuine effort to work on our relationship. He has said since July that he wasn't ready to work on our relationship. He agreed to go to therapy, and I finally stopped it because it was clear that, while it could have been really useful with a willing partner, he was still there because he "agreed to go," not because he was a true participant. So I said lovingly, let's stop until/unless you want to do this.
As I've pored over the forums, I've definitely recognized that there are more little tiny "signs". I haven't responded to all of them perfectly, but mostly, I've responded decently, like when he told me he thought I looked pretty one night, I just said thank you. I didn't say, oh, thank you, it's so nice to hear that. But I did say that it was very nice to get his 6 new year's eve texts saying he loved me and missed our family. After asking him if he was sober. :-/ I debated a lot over asking that, but previous experience was that he professed love when relapsing. :-/ He said he was sober, and I said I really appreciated what he said. Then a week later, I had to set a major boundary about missing his visits with the kiddo, was angry when I did it, and he retreated. I have since thanked him for respecting that boundary, and he thanked me for noticing.
So I know there are little slivers of glimmers, but I just feel like maybe I want to tell him that I am ready to either work on our relationship, or to be open to other relationships. I dunno. I'm just kind of in one of those spots right now, either with lots of PMA and lots of goodness in my life. It's hard right now to see why I should keep something so negative in my life when it seems like I have been feeding it lopsidedly for years anyway.
Thank you sooooo much for listening. It really does help to get this out (even though I am a really private person and feel really exposed). Thanks a lot.
