It's little things like this that I am still working on eliminating. Getting on with my life without little chats or pats on the back. Yes it made me feel good about myself. But it shows that she is on my mind. I would rather me be on her mind. Now that she is out I can use this time to DB effectively I hope and stop thinking of her.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
It's little things like this that I am still working on eliminating. Getting on with my life without little chats or pats on the back. Yes it made me feel good about myself. But it shows that she is on my mind. I would rather me be on her mind. Now that she is out I can use this time to DB effectively I hope and stop thinking of her.
It's OK if she's on your mind for now. It will take probably months of training for her not to be on your mind regularly. I compare it to a memory-foam mattress. She JUST got out of the bed of your mind. Of course, there will still be an imprint there.
The key is how you ACT. Reaching out like that, giving little tugs on that rope. That sets you back. Reinforces your thoughts. Detachment comes when your thoughts of her dont influence your actions. You thought of her, and then texted her...
I wholly believe in the "fake it til you make it". Act detached, and you will become detached.
I'm glad you are focusing your efforts on using this time to DB effectively and you hope to stop thinking of her.
You mentioned DB telephone coaching in your previous thread...
"I'm curious about coaching. To me personally it's a lot of money just because of my finances. I understand it's cheaper than most counselling. My question is. Is it worth what your paying? Am I going to spend this money and regret the decision to get coaching?"
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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I have been in your spot myself, most of us have. Az's advice above is great... 'fake it til you make it'. I used to be in a similar spot, wanting to reach out. The way I think about is like this (from help with people on this board), what is the goal of this? Will I feel better after (probably not)? Does this help me move forward? Does it help me DB'ing? Then I would wait a bit and go do something else, something to take my mind of it. I would workout, go for a run, start texting friends, hell even clean, then I could usually resist the urge.
Then, eventually, your brain becomes re-wired a bit. That need to text, call, email or whatever goes away. I still think of my wife from time to time. But those thoughts almost never result in action.
My DB coach was invaluable. She had seen over 8,000 similar situations and had an uncanny knack in helping me determine how to effectively find the balance between enabling and being fair, being friendly and being friends, punishing vs setting boundaries, etc.
When I had to file separation. When I had to set financial boundaries. When my XW attempted suicide. When I had to decide whether the kids were safe with her. When I had to navigate through her blackout drinking and serial affairs...my DB coach was there. I have never made more life changing decisions in the my life than I have in the last 18 months. My DB coach was there every step to help me understand my motivations, priorities, and options.
If you think that you'd regret getting the kind of assistance then you don't place the same priority on marriage that I do. I think EVERYONE should get a DB coach. People say they can't afford it, but I promise I could find something in their household that cost $300 or whatever that was less important. The heated seats in the car. The bigger TV. Whatever.
Just my two cents.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
It is all so fresh still. Your right. Like I said earlier, or in another thread. I have been actively trying to DB for a short period. I feel like I understand the process yet have trouble actually doing it. Action! It's coming. I just had a great breakthrough for myself as well. In the car a song came on that was always one of our songs. It played as a main song at the wedding too. Usually I would immediately change it. This song has made me break down before. Today. I said I am going to try and get through this. I sang along. Smiled and didn break down. Music has been a huge trigger for me through all of this. And it feels great I could make it through a very important song to me
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Thanks Pinn. I am trying to find things to occupy myself when I start thinking about here and feel the urge to text her. That started today by signing up for the gym opening here. Not till feb1 but I am going to go as soon as it opens. Starting to really focus on school right now is going to be a priority.
Zeus. Thank you for your thoughts. It's not that I'm not committed to marriage with my doubts on coaching. It was more that I hadn't seen a lot of comments on it. Maybe I was looking in the wrong spots. I was more looking for confirmation that it's more than these threads and the DB book. I take your guidance in the highest regard. I am going to find a way to make coaching possible in my life.
On to me. I was at the gym getting ready to sign up when W calls me ( had asked earlier if S3 could call). So I go outside and talk to him all about his first day at his new daycare. And all the new friends he made then we talked about squids for some reason... Lol. He is awesome. He never has talked on the phone for more than 1-2 minutes and we talked for a solid 5+.
I fully expected her to hang up phone when he was done. But she stayed on. I said boy he was sure chatty W ya they had a good day they are back tomorrow while I go to work. ( I didn't ask how her interviews went today or if she got hired. Tho she alluded to it it the S3 txt) Me: oh good I'm sure they are excited. W : ya. My ill be sore after work tomorrow. Now I feel I have to ask. Ya? So you got a job? And then she went on about both interviews and how she is going to make both work because one is snow removal. Me: that's great you found something. Thanks for getting the boys to call it was really nice to talk to S3. I have to go.
And that was that. It was a little nice cause S3 told me to go inside the house because I mentioned it was cold out and I said( remember phone with S3 is on speaker as he likes to look at the phone instead of talk) I'm not at home right now. I'm out for awhile. I'll be home later. He asked I didn't give details just that I'm not sitting at home doing nothing.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Tyler it seems to me as a newbie here that you are drawing strength from inside. Man I am so pleased both for you and for all of us in this position as it really shows no one is alone in their sitch. My WAW is moving out her stuff slowly, I am counting down days to what seems like the end of my life but I am spending every night imagining the practicalities of life in the house on my own. My boys have chosen a new colour for their bedroom and I am in a funny sort of way looking forward to cooking a steak as a little treat. My dog is staying with me so I hope it won't feel too lonely. My plan is to continue to draw up a timetable of my days around work and seeing my boys, chore's, shopping, running, new hobby and so on. On paper (I use scheduler on my phone) it looks like an active life so I am pleased. anyway I wondered if anyone else might use it...
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
Keefa. I have taken to writing things down too. I just have a note pad and if I need something it goes on. If it is something that needs done. It goes on. I know I have a terrible memory I tend to get distracted and forget to do things. I have to draw from myself right now. It's not always easy. Fake it till you make it. There were several times yesterday where I almost thought of her and cried. Deep breath. Think of something funny te kids did. Or something I enjoy doing. It was a big step for me to join the gym yesterday. Not because I need to lose weight. Would rather gain right now. But I feel like I want to tone up. The issue was handing over the money to do it. I have always been Leary about expenses on myself since the bankruptcy and feel like getting a gym membership will start me down the spending path again. I am also looking at courses I can take on budgeting and handling money. Try and better yourself. Actually. Do or do not. There is no try. 😜
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
I understand I should only be contacting her if it's about kids. Is there an exception to finances? I have my own account which I keep all of my money. There is still a couple things that come out of our joint account. So here is the issue. My ei while I'm in school went into the joint account. I have to change that and 2 other things to go in or come out of my account. I checked this am to see if it had come in. And it had. There was an issue with it being low that I have to deal with on my own. Once some of these offices open I will be making some calls. Anyway. There was a check W wrote to daycare before she left that came out. And used my ei. I was under the understanding that she was paying off daycare and I was covering mortgage. Also I get alerted each time the cc is used. We have a joint cc. And can't cancel it until balance owning is gone. We agreed that each of us would pay 1/2 that off. Yesterday I got an alert that it was used and I saw she did a cash withdrawal off it. I haven't said anything yet waiting to see if she bothers to say anything. I understand she moved out and has no money. I don't want the boys to go without. She asked for 100$ Sunday. And then took the other 100 yesterday. Now it looks like I am covering the daycare. Do I wait and see if she says something to me? Or do I bring this up? She had no money to at me back right now so it will probably lead to a argument.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
