Ugghhh, have I mentioned this is hard?

[SciDad]

Ahh... Updates...

I ended up not checking her phone (with or without her knowledge). It didn't seem like the right time, but I might just have chickened out. I can also rationalize it by saying we had a really busy weekend (two kids birthday parties, plus the usual chores and picking up after xmas). But I think the biggest reason I didn't do it is because I realized I only wanted to do it for me. It had nothing to do with helping my wife through this, and that to me is a problem. I'm almost positive she'll resist similar to what trumpet's Wife is doing, but I am fine with fighting for it if I have a good reason. Making myself feel better isn't a good a enough reason. I still need to work on myself. But I've decided the only way I'll look at her phone in the future is if she's there, as part of our transparency plan. I'm done sneaking around trying to catch her in the act. We need to either be past that stage or I'm going to have to move on.

I also realized (through another conversation with my wife) that she'll go along with anything I say right now. I think its her way of not rocking the boat, but I literally had to tell her it was OK for her to have her own thoughts and feelings and that I wanted to hear them. The whole reason I got married was to find a partner for life, not someone who will agree with everything I say. It seems so odd that I needed to tell her that I valued her opinion and that I wanted to hear her insights. But I'm glad I did, because she brightened up afterwards. My thought is that I've been trying to be more assertive (the whole No more Mr nice guy routine) and either I'm coming on too strong or it's a big adjustment for my wife. I'd put money on the second choice - I think I have a long way to go before I go too far.

I went to a church by myself and it felt really odd. Good, but odd. Part of it is that it was non-denominational and I'm used to Catholic masses, but also because I knew no one there. Everyone seemed friendly, but it's always a bit odd to be delving into deeply personal spirituality with 150 strangers... I'll go back next week and try to loosen up a bit more. I was also trying to decide if it would be a good fit for my kids or not, so I was also not as connected as I would have liked to be.

Lots of odd interactions with my wife. My wife seemed more upbeat on Saturday morning so I mentioned that I was glad to see her back from whatever she was dealing with and that it was nice to see her less detached from us. She seemed a little surprised at my comment, and I left to do the grocery shopping without giving her a chance to respond. I also took my son to a birthday party, where I'm pretty sure I had 4-5 Moms flirting with me. Funny dynamic being the only guy in a roomful of stressed mothers and screaming children. I probably shouldn't have, but I mentioned the attention I was getting to my wife when I got home. Not sure if she got jealous, but she did pay more attention to me for the rest of the weekend, lol.

I stayed home with the kids today (I work at a college and have MLK day off, just like my kids) and my wife texted me 5 times to chat and to mention that I was a great dad. Not sure where that came from, but I thanked her and haven't texted her back (I'm trying to keep some distance and not smother her - it's been a problem in the past).

So, I'm left wondering where things stand, but generally happy. I'm continuing my GAL at a slow but steady pace. Practicing guitar 30-45 minutes a day. Exercising (I could only do 2 miles this weekend - I only had 40 minutes to warm up/run/lift). Meeting new people (hello church). And crushing it at work (Job interview coming up, continuing to rock it at my current job). And finding support in somewhat unlikely places - my boss is in a similar situation with a wayward husband and 2 kids. We help each other out with advice about once a week.

Hopefully I'll continue to improve my control over my emotions and this roller coaster will eventually calm down. I see improvements, but its not as much as I'd like