Sandi I have a question. Your sitch you described. Your husbands actions which lead to your resentment sounds exactly like myself. Did your H recognize his faults and address them. If so what tools did he use to change?
I have had lots of LBH'S to ask me similar questions. It was a little different in my case in that I was the one coming here, yet I was the WS, not my H. Very few posters have fallen into that category on the DB board. I was the one getting the tools, not him. The person who comes to the board is usually the one who has to step up and use the tools to get the MR back on track. If the other S is ready to do what is necessary to save the M, then they can get the tools. If you will notice, the DR book is focused on the one who wants to save the M. When I first arrived, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I quickly learned that the majority here had no clue about the mindset of a WW. There were two women who were my god-sent counselors that really helped me in the beginning. And of course, I learned so much from the LBH'S and the pain they experienced. It really helped me to know how my own H was hurt and the betrayal he felt. My H doesn't have conversations with me, so I never know what he's thinking or how he's feeling.
I asked my H to go with me and get MC, but he refused. If he sought out any new tools, I never knew it. The whole experience did seem to change him, and it was tough for both of us. Shortly after we R, his health took a turn for the worse, and that ushered in a new phase of our lives with new problems. I know we are going to be together from now on. I also know what to do and not do to prevent myself from getting off into an unhealthy area again.
Wish I could have given you what you were looking for.........but nope, he wasn't the one using DB tools.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
