More and more, and less and less...

[Zues126]

We often assume other people in our lives, especially the ones we care deeply for know what to do to keep a relationship together. We assume they know what they need. It seems to make so much sense in our own heads, we don't know how that other person can't see it. What they view as work and understanding may not be what we view as the same. Everyone's perception is different and no one's is wrong or right. I wish as a young woman, I would have really not denied that my ex and I saw what marriage and partnership really is. We saw it completely differently and that just didn't work. We rarely communicated our values and beliefs.

As far as future relationships, I have dated casually in the last 8 years until my current BF. For the first few years it was a personal choice not to have a real relationship as I was building a life on my own, my daughter was a baby/toddler at that time, and it just wasn't right for me. Then I really just didn't find the right guys and I was really busy. I'm glad it is now I am opening the door for a healthy relationship. It has challenges as any relationship does, but I never thought in my lifetime I would get to experience something like this. I'm in the right place for a healthy adult relationship now and my daughter is in a good place to introduce someone new (she adores him and his daughter, I am lucky for that). But I am extremely mindful in this one of keeping communication open and staying realistic, and losing the fear of getting left if I don't always agree and see things differently. Honestly, I work closely with my IC mainly to be sure I am doing right by my daughter and right by myself through this relationship. Your time will come one day and you will know when it is. It may seem far of now, and or it may seem like it might not be something you will want. But you won't know until you get there.

I think how you speak now of your ex is a big step for you. You are dropping the animosity towards her wrongdoing. It took me much longer to do so, as I was dealing with the affair and remarriage and it kicked my butt. No excuse, but I am glad I finally came to that point. I have forgiven him and his OW/W. All that matters is the welfare of my child. I used to argue that if they cared, they wouldn't have done what they did. But I had to let that go because it cannot be undone. They both care for my daughter and as long as my daughter is loved it's all good now.

I used to dredge up how I was done wrong all the time. How there is no excuse for it. I must say, I am so much lighter now that I let that go. You will surely feel that now too.

Thanks Ginger. I can relate to much of this.

There is definitely no excuse for some of what was done. But in the end we can't turn back the hands of time. We get to decide what we want to do with what's left to us. I'm not completely unencumbered by those feelings of disgust, but they are lessening, and I'm having more moments of peace. I think about how rarely I think of my first GF (who also cheated and left me) and her OM. They just aren't part of my life in any way. I don't know that the mother of my kids will ever recede to that level, but emotionally she may. Particularly as years pass and I become a different person than I was in our marriage.

For now I'm quite content to enjoy what's in front of me. I don't want anything different than it is right now. Yes, I'd like a bigger house for my kids and my pool table, and I'd like to be further along at work so it gets easier, and I look forward to 50% time with my kids starting in June...but for today, I'm perfectly content knowing those things are all coming and I'm doing fine.