First - Give yourself a break and look at yourself as a kindergartener that is learning how to put words together to make a sentence.
Do you know why so many older posters or the Vets can give you advice of how to do X? or why not to do Y? Because we all make mistakes at least in the first stage of the bomb.
It all blow at once, the ground was taken from under your feet and you are like floating trying to find real ground for yourself. Put kids on the mix and you have the your pain and the pain you see and feel coming from your kids.
And that is why you need a little more then this jerk is giving you. Sorry the word, but he needs to do a lot of growing up before you can take him back.
MB and Ancaire had great words of wisdom for you. Like:
Use your time wisely and start treating the pain that inside of you by learning. There are tons of resources here and a ton of resource out there.
Get yourself some self help books to understand how you can help yourself to get to a better place, so your brain will start working for you.
The way I see it, if you want him back and he is to respect you, you need to respect yourself first and you are starting to do it. Toughen up because the road will be bumpy. He will scream and bother you to death because he does not want or does not see he can change.
Here we say it is not a sprint, it is a marathon. Now you are starting to see that. With all this pain it came the opportunity to review your part in the R, good and bad. It is giving you the gift of looking at yourself and see that you can be better.
Each sitch is different, so each situation needs to be adapted to what will work. He is pursuing, driving you crazy, but he is not apologizing for his wrong behavior. If you want him to do that then you may need to show his with your actions that there is a hard work to do before any new R.
When you are in a better place, his many calls and messages won't bother you as much. And there is nothing in the world that can make you do what you don't.
Going dark is something different and may apply in some other circumstance. Maybe you can start framing his behavior and patterns by letting him know when you will talk to him. What is allowed to talk. Leave it clear that you will let him know if there is any emergency regarding to the kids, but you won't answer any of his questions about the kids every 5min.
He thinks you are available, that you have time to spare and be there for his craziness. He thinks that he gives you the money and is taking care after you so you need to be there to answer him whatever time he decides to.
Like Ancaire, I do believe that he loves you. But love can be very toxic if the person does not understand what is love in the first place. And IMO, he needs to learn what love is.
1. Can you schedule an IC for yourself? Even if it is once every other week? 2. Did you think about getting yourself some Anti-D just to break the edge and make you see and react better to whatever tornado that comes your way? 3. Did you review your routine and found things that you can improve there? 4. Can you go to the gym once, twice a week? Exercise is very important in times of stress. Very, very important because your brain will work better. 5. Do you have a confident friend that is patient to listen to you when the loneliness hit hard? 6. Do you have friends or family that can watch the kids and you can go out once in awhile to just see yourself in a different environment, see other people, relax a little bit. It does not need to be a date, it can be to just go out with a friend and chat a little, drink a cup of water. 7. Are you going for a walk, running, biking with your kiddos? 8. What self improve or self help book are you reading? You do not need to read it in a day, you go as you have time for it. 9. How old are your kids? There is any way you can work even a little bit to make some cash and start doing some other stuff you want to do for yourself? So you are not so dependent on the money he gives to you?
These are questions to make you think that you do not need to make anything so big and resolve everything at once. If you try to get all at once, you will fail.
It is a process to get yourself in a better place for yourself. And in parallel it is a process to let him see he is better off with you. How?
1. It he is pursuing you so much, try to set a talk with him, like lunch. Get someone to watch the kids, prepare yourself and then talk to him. Let him know that you would like to work on your R, but you realized your faults and want to work on them first. 2. That you are willing to work even with him, if he would go to MC together. 3. That you have deep wounds that needs to be addressed by yourself, and that you think that he does too. 4. Tell him that you are really sorry you made him feel you didn't care, or that you nagged him so much and that you are willing to look into your own faults and build a new R with him where you both can be more understanding with each other needs. 5. Tell him you will respect if he decide to move on his own path, that you care about him and if this is what makes him happy that you won't stand on his way.
Be calm, say it (or what fits better for your sitch) with conviction. He will see a person he needs to respect, a grown up adult, a person that is trying to make the right thing.
That he will bend and say yes...yes...yes! Maybe not, maybe he is not there yet. But then you can set your boundaries.
Or he works on something towards making your R better, or he will need to give you the space necessary for you to think, organize, rebuild your life. No excuses, it is what you want and he will need to respect it.
The schedule with the kids does not need to come from him. You can work a schedule and give it to him and say that if he misses a day, then he is up for his next date. That you need to have that kind of schedule because you have other things to do. You can say that you will be willing to work on a schedule that works for him, that it is the right thing to do so you both don't hurt the kids even further with your own issues.
Rain, it is not going to be easy, and now it is the time you need to put your big girl pants and do the hard work.
You have a child man and he does need to grow up. He won't for a number of things, stuff from childhood, fear, rejection, whatever it is he needs to work on it. His path is his to own and he will need to make that decision himself. But it is you that will take charge on your own path, set your boundaries, tell it straight and serious about him to respect you.
And in all of this - do not include any OW, girls, phone calls - nothing that will bring you back to the nagging, complaining, letting him know how bad he is, all the wrongs he is doing. Remember that it is not about him, it is about you and what you want.
Only you know what this can cause on him, how much this can maybe change him and his perspective. But he does not need to know that.
Let me know what you think. In what order you may do some things. These are just ideas of how to keep moving forward. And remember, it is not something you need to do in a day, or week. You will know when you are ready to do it. What is the priority in this list that best fits you.
For me, I got my Anti-Ds, my IC, and then started working on me first. I was too much a mess and need the help first.
And yet, I made many mistakes. The difference is that I am happier now, even with all the troubles I still have coming from my XH. I can't change him and he chose to be miserable. But I have been changing me, and I am very thankful for that.
