Peace, Happiness and a New Year

[mleigh4]

Bttrfly, I too imagine what it must be like living in such mental disarray! Seems horrible.

Hawho, thanks for the pat on the back. Your stories help me to look at things a little lighter and with a comical twist. It makes it easier to deal with!

Aincare, I am sorry you are here. Yes, it can be a very long ride. That is why it is so important to turn your focus on yourself and to take care of yourself. I too have no desire to be BFF with H. It wasn't until I found my happy place, a good 1 1/2 years after BD, that I could be a genuine friend with H. My sitch is a little different, D has not come up in a long time so I keep the peace for that "just in case" he wakes up. I do suspect I would be different if we were in the process of D. In fact, I can guarantee it would not be pretty, H is feeling way to entitled these days. Anyway, I am glad my posts help. I do find keeping a "friendly" interaction with my H works much better. Especially for S. But I stay guarded!

Job, H never reads the directions. He even went as far as taping up the template to install the overhead screws, then ripped it down and threw it across the floor saying it was all wrong. This has been him forever. Anything he fixes or works on takes twice as long because..."they didn't include the correct accessories or screws, the directions are wrong or don't make sense, the product was not made correctly"....I have heard it all. He yells at China a lot!

Thanks again for all your support. Later that night, S and I were chatting about an upcoming wedding we are going to, his BFF mom is marrying her partner. S had a bunch of questions that we talked about, one being can you get married anywhere? I told him, yes pretty much, as long as you have someone who is certified to legally marry you. Then I blurted, the next time I get married, it will be on a beach. S and I quickly looked at each other and he sort of half smiled...I corrected myself by saying, that is if daddy and I can't get close again. I told him, if we do, I would love to renew our vows, but if we don't, I don't want to be alone forever. I told him, I don't believe in divorce and hope that does not happen, I believe in marriage and in the vows you say, for better or for worse, and that is why daddy and I are still married...but sometimes that is not enough. S was quiet a minute thinking, then he looked at me and said with a big smile, you can get remarried when I grow up! I said ok, that sounds fair!

I continue to feel that pull of letting H go for good. Another weird emotion that passes through me lately...I hate that I have H last name. I notice it every time I say it or write it. I don't like having anything to do with his family or name...has anyone experienced that!?

I also think often of Cali's words of figuring out what we WANT vs. what we NEED. There really is a big difference and I have been giving it a lot of thought. It's been helpful in seeing that H does not possess many of the qualities I need, not sure if he ever could. Much food for thought for me.