Last night

[kyrie]

I can see why you would say that Drew, but this convo was actually a rerun of many, many prior arguments we've had over our M. Almost identical. It was bad.
Respect is not required of the H (for Christians). However, love is...and honor and cherish. So yeah, it's missing.

I'm Christian & I was taught & believe that respect is a mutual part of our marriage vows. Respect forms part of what we define as love, and being cherished, or so I believe. Maybe we are not defining "respect in the same way, (versus "submission" which many argue was also to be reciprocated)

so I don't know how to respond to your above comment. However, I also don't think it would be very productive to argue it. This isn't really a place for us to get off on theological points; (& I apologize for feeling compelled to comment on it.)

I would only ask how you can expect to be happy or well treated or how rewarding this marriage can be for you, with him as your life partner and co-parent,
if You yourself don't feel deserving of respect from him?

(When was the happiest time in your marriage, and what changed from then?)

The other important piece here is that you're trying to learn from the above argument, which is useful.

So What "mistake" did you make? (You can't change his, so let's keep the focus on what you CAN do)... What could you have done differently?

Is that choice a tolerable option for you?

RE the DB advice you presented above.

You said you don't want us to keep harping about the porn b/c you don't see it as big an obstacle as some here do (and I think you sort of asked us to move on from that as a topic--which is fine by me. I mean, you were clear here so, fair enough)

What I read is that your DB coach said to GAL, Detach, and confront about the porn.
Only the porn piece differs and only from some of the advice here...So is there more?

(And Maybe after another session the advice will vary if you tell him it's not as big a thing. Or maybe he has a point you overlooked??

I recall that you did say the porn is a symptom. Symptom of what, though?

And kyrie, don't give up on yourself or DBing yet. Lots of it is counter intuitive at first.

IF you are sure You were open/clear and that you heard the DB advice clearly...then

Follow the advice of the DB coach

don't let us get you off track.

((( )))

Thanks 25Ys,
Happiest time...that's tough. There have been good days, far outnumbered by uncertainty, anxiety, hurt, fear, anger.
Yes, learning from my mistakes. It never seems to "stick".
I didn't say the porn isn't an obstacle. I'm saying it's not my primary focus. It hurts, it's an issue, it's one he'll have to deal with sooner or later (the DB Counselor stressed that), but it's a symptom and not *THE* problem. You all sounded like I thought it was *the* make-or-break problem (well, it may come to that if the pathology continues to worsen), but I recognize there's a bigger picture here. Frankly him not even caring about the affair is a bigger reveal of the state of his soul and heart, for a Christian.
Yeah, didn't get much more than that with the DB counselor.
Hmmm, symptom of... brokenness. His poor choices with how to deal with my hard-headedness... symptom of sin that underlies all our lives. Pride. Selfishness.